Salmond will rule an independent Scotland like an African dictator

An independent Scotland will be forced to accept Alex Salmond as a life long President who is likely to desperately cling to power by force until he reaches his mid eighties according to a statement from Prime Minister David Cameron.

Speaking whilst fending off missiles being thrown at him by Somerset locals, the Premier warned “He’ll promise leadership elections, but when it comes to actually voting there will just be two people called Alex Salmond on the ballot paper. One of them him, and other one a fellow with the same name as him but with badly applied false moustache. This always happens every time we give countries back to people. That’s why Canada is in such a state.

“He’ll start by driving English people off their farms and replacing them with Scottish cronies who have no idea how to run a farm. The whole country will naturally descend into chaos and inflation will  spiral out of control to the extend that it will cost £1000 for a deep fried mars bar. Well obviously not a thousand pounds because they can’t have sterling. They’ll probably use Scottish dollars or Salmondcoins or something.”

First Minister Alex Salmond has hit back at Mr Cameron’s predictions saying “The Prime Minister is simply clutching at straws which is why he won’t enter into a direct debate with me. Any future Scottish elections will be free and fair and in an atmosphere of peace. And the huge posters of me on every wall and a heavily armed Salmond youth will make sure it’s all done by the book.”