Entire population driving to Cornwall today

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The Department of Transport have warned motorists to  allow plenty of extra time for their journeys today as it is thought that the entire population of Britain and much of Northern Europe will be heading for Cornwall today to enjoy a well earned break over the Easter week-end.

A spokesman explained “It’s all going to start off quite smoothly for the first half of your journey until you get to somewhere near Salisbury or Ringwood in Hampshire, depending on your route. After that your journey is likely descend into the bowels of traffic hell as you are stuck behind the same caravan for what may actually be weeks, with long static periods and occasional bursts of 6mph driving.

“The best advice we can offer is to leave early. By early we mean before you have heard this statement, ideally you should have completed the journey and already be there by now.”

One caravan owner we spoke to had stopped on a particularly narrow part of the A303 to make a cup of tea when we spoke to him. “I don’t even like Cornwall. It’s a stupid place. But to see the look of desperation on the faces of the other motorists who realise that their dream week-end away is going to be spent in the large part in one long endless four day traffic jam is just too good an opportunity to miss. And that interspersed with locals popping out of their front doors randomly growling and shouting “Private!” at strangers makes it the highlight of my year.”

Indeed, a Cornwall local we interviewed was already foaming at the mouth when we spoke to him.”I hate non locals. I don’t even like people from Devon. In fact I don’t even like people from the next village. Or this one. I even divorced my sister last year as she had her hair done differently so looked a little bit like a stranger. We should be allowed to live in our area of outstanding natural beauty without anyone else coming to have a look at it. It should be reserved just for us because we’re special.”

Opinion has been divided on the subject and another local we spoke to told us that he saw this weekend as an opportunity rather than an invasion.”I’ve been chopping up badgers from the cull and mixing them with potatoes and onion. When that runs out I’ve bought a job lot of Ginsters from the local garage which I’m going to mould with my hands to make them look rustic and sell for twice the price. According to ‘London rules’ I’m ‘banned’ from making food but luckily there’s no internet access here so it’s never a problem.”

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