David Cameron has announced tough new measures against non-Britishness in schools which will involve a new Ofsted task force headed by the Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip.
Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference the Prime Minister explained “Segregating pupils and force feeding religious ideology is completely unacceptable in our schools. OK, the school I went to was all boys and we were force fed Christianity but that was different because it was British and we were all very rich. So we’re employing Prince Philip who has vowed to shut down all schools that aren’t like Eton.”
“He’s going to make schools 110% British. At least. Probably 120% British. He’s going to give it his all. And put his heart and soul into it. It’s a yes from me for Prince Philip” he added.
Indeed the Duke of Edinburgh has already shut one free school, two academies and a secondary modern without actually visiting them but assuring the government that they would most likely be breeding grounds for salad eaters and picanninnies.
Speaking in a rare interview the Duke explained “The trouble with teachers these days is they never had to do national service, they’ve stopped smoking pipes and they probably don’t even have leather elbow patches on their suit jackets any more. The next thing you know their running amok like they’re at a fancy dress party, leaving the pupils only able to speak urdu and worshipping a garden hedge.”
Prince Philip has allegedly caused controversy at his first Ofsted meeting for mistaking Michael Gove as a truant schoolboy. “This one looks like he might plant a bomb or two. We better find out what school he’s bunking off from” he is reported as saying.