May “British people could emigrate to make more room for immigrants”

emigrate

Do you like icebergs? Cacti? Foreign languages?  Paté? Well emigrating may well be the answer according to a new Government think tank who are recommending a drive to lessen net immigration figures, by asking indigenous Brits to move out for a while to make a little more room. Home secretary Theresa May explained “We can’t stop […]

Panic as 42 foot high Julian Assange leaves Ecuadorian embassy

giant julian assange

British authorities are firmly pointing the finger of blame at the Ecuadorian Ambassador this morning after a colossal Julian Assange left the Ecuadorian embassy to begin a rampage across London. Between seven and eight times larger than the one who went in there two years ago, the Wiki-Leaks founder is believed to have been cynically […]

Kelly Hoppen to talk about herself

kelly hoppen

Kelly Hoppen is to forego the formality of deciding whether to invest in new businesses on TVs Dragons Den and simply talk about herself according to Kelly Hoppen whilst talking about herself on a recent episode of TVs Dragons Den. Speaking to a man pitching for a computer games business, Ms Hoppen explained “I get […]

BBC announce new show “Iain Duncan Smith’s BFF”

Iain Duncan Smith's BFF

The BBC have confirmed that from September Iain Duncan Smith will be appearing in a new reality TV series set to find him a Best friend Forever or BFF. In a promotional trailer for the show Mr Duncan Smith tells us: “People think that after a busy day dismantling the welfare state at a greater […]

We’ll never ever post goals on twitter again promise all football fans

football fans

  Football fans have come together to promise the Premier league that they will never ever post goals via vine on twitter again and that they are all jolly sorry that they ever did in the first place. One sorrowful fan  told us  “We know what we have done is wrong and we’re all wracked […]

Public advised to sing Cliff Richard songs while they still can

Cliff Richards

Members of the public with a penchant for singing Cliff Richard songs at work, whilst out walking or maybe just in the bath, are being told to get it out of their systems once and for all on the off chance that if the singer is arrested and convicted of something, then all his songs […]

Fury as tablet ban means Manchester United fans have to watch the football

computers man united

Manchester United fans are said to be livid today at news that an imminent ban on tablet computers at Old Trafford may mean having to watch football for virtually the whole duration of each visit. One furious fan told us “I paid 900 odd quid for my season ticket, well my company did anyway, and […]

Russia sends Ukraine a giant horse as part of aid mission

giant horse

Russian premier Vladimir Putin has today pledged support for an international aid mission in Eastern Ukraine by donating a gargantuan metal horse Speaking on TV channel Russia Today Mr Putin said “Eastern Ukranians have endured a terrible time which is obviously nothing to do with us, but we would like to lift everyone’s spirits a […]

Morrissey “If you must eat meat, eat me”

morrissey jamie oliver

Former Smiths front man Morrissey has silenced critics today by offering himself up as cuisine for anyone that eats meat so as to hopefully offer a nutritious  alternative to meat and thus save the life of a cow, lamb or otter. “It means I can encourage people to be herbivorous and musically whinge about being […]

Drinkers urged to follow pints up with chasers

drink

Warnings on alcoholic drinks to remind people to have chasers should be mandatory according to the  All-Party Parliamentary Group on Alcohol Misuse. Speaking from the house of Commons subsidised bar, group chairwoman and Conservative MP Tracey Crouch told us “With food we encourage people to have a balanced diet and consume a wide variety of […]

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