Social housing to have lower ceilings

george osborne

All social housing is set to be refitted with lower ceilings as part of a new Government scheme to fit more people in a block of flats. The ambitious scheme was defended this morning on the Andrew Marr show by George Osborne who explained: “In days of yore people were shorter, mainly due to poor […]

Americans celebrate independence from not being allowed to shoot each other

americans shooting each other

Americans throughout America are today celebrating 240 years of independence from the UK and the subsequent freedoms associated with it, such as eating incredibly shit chocolate and running around shooting each other. One reveller told us “If the UK was still in charge they’d have taken away all our guns. In fact we probably wouldn’t […]

Britain to hold one minute silence for Russell Brand’s career

russellbrand minute silence

Britain is to hold a one minute silence en masse for the demise of Russell Brand’s career following the sad news that it may have drowned in a sea of its own bollocks. Reportedly enjoying itself splashing about in a sea of self indulgent pap, Mr Brand’s career is understood to have been pulled under […]

Government to make sick children do P.E

sick children made to do sports

The Government will be forcing unwell children to do competitive sports as part of their ‘make people do things that they’re not up to’ drive. Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “They’re faking it. Having temperatures and saying achoo a lot doesn’t mean that they can’t spend two hours a week running around […]

Asteroid “not guaranteed” to hit Britain

asteroid

Scientists have urged the British public to stay calm and not panic over the possibility that Britain might at some point be hit by an asteroid. Speaking to a heaving press conference Professor Brian Cox explained “At some point something is going to collide with something else. And if one of those things is Britain […]

British beaches to start charging

british beaches

Beaches throughout Great Britain are set to become chargeable as part of new reforms announced today by Home Secretary Theresa May. The charges which are thought to be set at £8 per person per day, or £11 if you want to go in the sea, will come in to place in August and will be […]

Donald Trump to headline Glastonbury 2016

trump glastonbury

Glastonbury organisers have denied that the festival is is descending into corporatism following news that wigged up tycoon and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is to headline next year on the main stage. The delighted business magnate told us “There’s no music involved  but people will want to hear my top ten hints for success. After […]

Allah chuffed to bits with all the jihading

jihadists

Celestial being Allah has gone on record to say that he’s chuffed to bits with all the jihading and has promised a special push to ensure every jihadist has plenty of ethereal virgins for their pleasure once they step into his virtual reality afterlife. In a rare interview the popular deity urged aspiring jihadists to […]

“3 more days before you can take a shit” Glastonbury punters assured

eavis shit

Glastonbury revellers who arrived on Wednesday and already have the ‘turtles head showing’ have been reassured by organisers that they only have 3 more days before they can drop the kids off at the pool in the comfort of their own home. Land owner, organiser and non-moustached beard type person,  Michael Eavis, hit back angrily […]

Americans to melt down all their guns and make them into one big gun

americans

Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 437 other followers