Miliband to legalise kicking your boss up the arse

Ed Miliband kick bos up the arse

A Labour Government will put legislation into place to enable all workers to occasionally kick their boss up the arse without any risk of being fired or incurring criminal charges according to leader Ed Miliband. Speaking on the Marr show the shadow Prime Minister said “We still need to make difficult decisions in terms of […]

Greg Wallace run over by a cliché

greg wallace

Greg Wallace is reported to be critical but stable, having been run over by a cliché during today’s filming of Masterchef A source from the never-ending, swanky-nosh competition told us “It’s a dangerous job. He spouts this shit day in, day out knowing that at any point one of his nuggets of generic mediocrity could […]

Farage “If I don’t get elected at Thanet I’ll eat a paella”

farage paella

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has vowed to the British public that should he not win the Thanet parliamentary seat he will eat a paella. Launching the party’s manifesto, Mr Farage said “It’ll be a huge paella and not one of those microwave ones from Asda neither. This will be a proper Spanish one with snails […]

Conservatives to enable the Queen to buy her council house

conservative manifesto

A conservative only Government will enable the Queen to buy some or all of her council houses thus enabling her to finally get her foot on the property ladder rather than slumming it in state owned accommodation. Launching his election manifesto Mr Cameron said that all of Britain deserved the good life. It was just […]

Miliband promises more strikes and power cuts

ed miliband strikes

Ed Miliband has promised voters a shift away from new Labour and a return to regular power cuts and frequent industrial action based on the passing whims of shop stewards who just fancy a day in the pub. Having just unveiled the new Labour manifesto Mr Miliband told a heaving press conference  “We need the […]

Clinton to ban guns if elected as president

clinton guns

Former First Lady and now presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton has vowed to outlaw possession of all firearms throughout America, the moment she begins her term as President Speaking to a packed press conference Mrs Clinton said “We have 40 times as many gun deaths per head of population than Britain where it is illegal to […]

Green Party to ban competitive sports

Natalie Bennett

A Green Party Government will ban all forms of competitive sports, forcing sports channels on TV to instead show programmes about vegetarian cookery and eco-homes that run on poo. Already hitting the headlines for her promise to crack down on the illegal but widely practised sport of sheep fighting, party leader Natalie Bennett has gone […]

Ridiculous zebra like creatures set to run amok

grand national

In a new craze more perverse than dogging, Britain is reportedly set to watch a parade of zebra like creatures running amok with no particular sense of purpose, whilst being straddled and sporadically whipped by human dwarfs. One insider who wished to remain anonymous told us “I’ve been to these events, it’s like something out […]

UKIP find way back to the 1970s

UKIP time travel

UKIP scientists have found a way back to the 1970s and may be leaving en masse in a big racist space ship come time machine, taking all their supporters with them according to leader Nigel Farage. Speaking to John Humphrys on Radio 4’s Today Programme Mr Farage explained “All we ever wanted is to go […]

Blair “Cameron has weapons of mass destruction”

blair

Former Prime Minister and Labour leader Tony Blair has warned the public that they should not vote for David Cameron as he has weapons of mass destruction, that he can mobilise within 45 minutes. Addressing a heaving press conference Mr Blair said “Britain will take a lurch to the right under a conservative only Government. […]

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