America to launch airstrikes on wild animals

airstrikes

America is to up its game in it’s war against wild animals in Africa and launch a series of air strikes according to a statement from the White House issued this morning. “We’ve had to rely on brave men and women who go out and shoot these animals, armed only with jeeps, high powered assault […]

MPs to reduce use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% by 2018

Lord Sewel drugs and prostitutes

MPs are to face tough new targets to reduce their use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking to Andrew Neil on the television Mr Osborne said that the Government would be taking these targets seriously and would fully expect use of both to slow down slightly […]

“Ooh no don’t shift left” say career politicians

Labour-leadership

Career politicians throughout the Labour Party have come together en masse to say “Ooh no! Don’t shift left. Think about us and our important careers. What if we don’t get elected? What if we do get elected and have to promise to feed everyone or something? This nonsense has to stop.” Former Leadership favourite until […]

Earth 2.0 “might have Jeremy Corbyn as Prime Minister”

earth 2.0

A newly discovered planet, thought to mirror Earth in many ways, may have Jeremy Corbyn as a Prime minister according to experts studying the planet today. Nasa’s science chief John Grunsfeld said “If life on Kepler-452b has advanced in the same way as on earth, then the chances are that there will be human like […]

Labour to shit on the poor compassionately and fairly

images

Acting Labour Leader Harriet Harman has promised that despite a minor rebellion from do-gooders, Labour will now concentrate on taking a monumental shit on all poor people, albeit compassionately and fairly. Speaking to a heaving press conference the hapless interim said “We must listen to the voters and defecate on poor people from a great […]

Queen “I was hailing a bus”

queen nazi salute

Her Majesty the Queen has gone on record today to reassure the public that pictures of her and the late Queen Mother performing nazi salutes were in fact merely the family hailing a bus. “Obviously on special occasions we would travel in an ornate horse drawn carriage with a big gold knob on the top […]

Mr Potato elected Lib Dem leader

mr potato

The ill fated Lib Dems are widely reported to have turned a corner this afternoon following the announcement that fictional potato based cartoon character Mr Potato is to take over as leader. Though like Nicola Sturgeon, not actually an MP, the popular Euro-spud is widely predicted to shake the party up by doing some things […]

Cyclist on Southsea seafront to try using the actual cycle lane just fucking once

cyclist

A cyclist on Southsea seafront has given his clearest indication yet that he might just might use the massive cycle lane, that the entire road was narrowed and reconstructed in order to accommodate, just fucking once. “I’d rather hold up the traffic on the road or have near misses with people, children and dogs on […]

Posh blokes to hunt dogs with foxes

hunting dogs with foxes

Posh blokes on horses have reportedly been spending a last few affectionate hours with their hounds following the failure of a government bill to re-legalise hunting foxes with dogs meaning the only loophole now available is to hunt dogs with foxes. A spokesman for the countryside alliance said “I’ve tried bondage but it just didn’t […]

Cameron “Dead People are getting a free ride”

cameron and duncan smith

Dead people will no longer be able to simply lie underground or float around in the form of minute particles dispersed throughout the atmosphere without putting their hands in their pockets, according to a joint statement made today by Prime Minister David Cameron and Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. Speaking in unison to […]

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