Government to decriminalise middle class drug use

Lines of cocaine at a weekend party

The Government has strongly hinted that recreational drug use may soon be legal on the strict proviso that the drugs used are middle class drugs or at a push working class drugs that are being used by the middle classes. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Prime Minister David Cameron said “We can’t just […]

Tesco flees the country

tesco flees the country

Supermarket giant Tesco is rumoured this evening to have fled the country having been released today on bail following an interrogation by the serious fraud office. One industry insider told us “There’s no cast iron proof of guilt just yet but that Tesco’s not stupid and obviously decided to do a runner before they put […]

Kate Bush to run for U.S presidency

kate bush

Kate Bush has confirmed that she will be running for United States presidency in 2016 in what is seen to be a new chapter in the Bush family political dynasty and could also mean the first ever female president. For many the choice may seem odd, Ms Bush having enjoyed a singing career in Britain […]

Islamic State’s Christmas tips

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Hi all, my name is  Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and you may know me as leader of rapidly growing jihad mongers Islamic State, What you may not realise is that when we’re not beheading people in the name of jihad we like nothing more that a good knees up. And what better time to let your […]

Fury at EU plans to spend Britain’s £1.7 billion on world’s largest baguette

baguette

Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be furious at plans to spend some or all the recent EU demand for an extra £1.7 billion on a record breaking giant baguette. Speaking angrily and pointing his finger Mr Cameron said “We’re fed up of subsidising euro things. Last time it was a giant paella, the […]

Tesco to offer free cheese

tesco free cheese

In a bold move designed to drastically change the fortunes of the ailing supermarket giant, Tesco have announced this morning they are going to stop charging for all mainstream varieties of cheese with immediate effect. Chief Executive Dave Lewis said customers who had turned their backs on Tesco would soon be coming back in droves […]

Doctors warn of outbreak of S club 7

s club fucking 7

The British Medical Association have warned of an imminent outbreak of S club 7 set to threaten the entire United Kingdom and any foreigners who accidentally tune into British TV. Symptoms include nausea, anxiety and severe mood swings, often causing violent attacks on laptops, radios and any other infected electrical items. In rare cases sufferers […]

No more new houses says bloke who’s already got a house

welbourne

A bloke who’s  already got a house has told reporters that he “won’t be taking it lying down” at news there are plans to build some more houses near where he lives. Speaking as part of a protest against the new village of Welbourne to be built near Fareham in Hampshire, he explained that it […]

UKIP Calypso song reaches number one in Jamaica

Mike read calypso

The UKIP Calypso song has reached number one in Jamaica, Trinidad and Barbados leaving critics of UKIP red faced following accusations of racism. The song is written and sung by former Saturday Superstore presenter Mike Read who told us “I’m white. But I’ve made myself sound like a black man. Not one of those new […]

Clocks not to go back in Hampshire

clocks go back

Hampshire County Council have confirmed that the county will not be joining the rest of Britain in moving the clocks back this evening. A spokesman for HCC told us that the practice was in many ways outdated and it was hoped that other County Councils would follow suit at some point over the next few […]

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