UKIP Calypso song reaches number one in Jamaica

Mike read calypso

The UKIP Calypso song has reached number one in Jamaica, Trinidad and Barbados leaving critics of UKIP red faced following accusations of racism. The song is written and sung by former Saturday Superstore presenter Mike Read who told us “I’m white. But I’ve made myself sound like a black man. Not one of those new […]

Clocks not to go back in Hampshire

clocks go back

Hampshire County Council have confirmed that the county will not be joining the rest of Britain in moving the clocks back this evening. A spokesman for HCC told us that the practice was in many ways outdated and it was hoped that other County Councils would follow suit at some point over the next few […]

“I’m not bothered if people are gay or not” God tells Catholics

god likes gays

In a further blow to Catholic church synod members who today voted against the Pope in his proposals for wider acceptance of gay people, God has gone on record in a rare statement to say that he’s not actually that bothered if people are gay or not. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference the […]

UKIP to fill English Channel with crocodiles

crociles UKIP

The United Kingdom Independence Party will fill the English Channel with crocodiles in an effort to combat immigration should they be voted into Government or become part of a coalition. Speaking at a Press Conference UKIP’s MP for Clacton-on-Sea Douglas Carswell said “We’re basically surrounded by a huge moat but it’s still not stopping people […]

Osborne “Benefit claimants to blame for global share slump”

george osborne share crash

Benefit claimants in Britain are 100% to blame for the recent global share slump according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne who has today announced plans to introduce more austerity measures until such time as worldwide share prices stabilise. And then carry on introducing more. “Once again the global economy looks shaky, particularly in […]

Welfare Minister “I’m sorry you caught me being a vile shit”

Lord bastard Freud

Welfare Minister Lord Freud has apologised for being caught out being a vile shit as he gave his true opinions on people with disabilities. Lord Freud has promised that the views expressed that people with disabilities aren’t worth the minimum wage, were voiced under extenuating circumstances. “It was a conference fringe event where I was […]

Green party kept off TV to save energy

murdoch green party

The Green Party are being denied a voice in forthcoming television debates preceding the general election in order to save energy according to the BBC, ITV, Sky and Channel 4. A spokesman for all four channels told us “If we put them on the television, loads of people will watch it which will use more […]

Hunt to tackle ebola with cuts and privatisation

jeremy hunt ebola

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed to tackle the threat of an ebola epidemic in Britain through a series of stringent cuts, pay freezes and gradual privatisation of the Health Service. Speaking on the set of the Andrew Marr show and ignoring the fact that neither Marr nor any camera crew were present Mr Hunt […]

Reiki Healers and Homeopaths to cover NHS strike

jeremy hunt

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed that medical services throughout the UK will continue unfettered, despite tomorrow’s NHS strike, thanks to an army of Reiki Healers, homeopaths and crystal therapists who are to be brought in to cover. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Hunt assured the public that whilst the replacement service might […]

UKIP fury as immigrants flood in from Dolaria

23759_10151368366401285_1930732953_n

UKIP’s only MP, Douglas Carswell, has told of his fury that the first week of his term has been marred by a sudden and unexpected influx of immigrants from the country of Dolaria, which is situated between Bulgaria, Romania and Spain. A spokesman for the foreign office explained “Romanians and Bulgarians did not arrive in […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 382 other followers