Rush for loans as negative inflation means loan companies must pay borrowers interest


Lenders ranging from banks to pay day loan companies are thought to be furious at news that negative inflation forecast for later in the year could mean having to pay interest to people who have borrowed from them. Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, explained that in a society such as ours that […]

America to ban imports of dog eggs

dog eggs

America is set to ban the import of the British delicacy of dog eggs amidst apparent concerns about the ingredients according to reports released today via International press agency Reuters. The move is set to anger ex pats and American anglophiles already reeling from the bans on Chocolate, fois gras, and Newcastle Brown Ale, and […]

Supermarkets unable to charge for vegetables under ancient foraging laws


Britain’s Supermarkets apart from Iceland have told shareholders to stay calm at the news that ancient foraging laws mean they are unable legally to charge for fruit, meat or vegetables on the proviso that they could have been picked, dug up or hunted in Britain. A spokesman for the National Association of foragers told us […]

Tesco flees the country

tesco flees the country

Supermarket giant Tesco is rumoured this evening to have fled the country having been released today on bail following an interrogation by the serious fraud office. One industry insider told us “There’s no cast iron proof of guilt just yet but that Tesco’s not stupid and obviously decided to do a runner before they put […]

Tesco to offer free cheese

tesco free cheese

In a bold move designed to drastically change the fortunes of the ailing supermarket giant, Tesco have announced this morning they are going to stop charging for all mainstream varieties of cheese with immediate effect. Chief Executive Dave Lewis said customers who had turned their backs on Tesco would soon be coming back in droves […]

No more new houses says bloke who’s already got a house


A bloke who’s  already got a house has told reporters that he “won’t be taking it lying down” at news there are plans to build some more houses near where he lives. Speaking as part of a protest against the new village of Welbourne to be built near Fareham in Hampshire, he explained that it […]

Wonga to write off loans to dogs, cats and babies

fucking wonga

Fine, upstanding and not all predatory loans company Wonga have today confirmed that they will stop pursuing loans taken out by dogs, cats and babies. A spokesman for the not all parasitical debt mongers explained “We’re well aware that our loans are so easy to get that sometimes dogs, cats or babies can take out […]

Tesco to beat its staff with a shitty stick

tesco staff shitty stick

Supermarket giant Tesco is said to be taking the unusual step of beating its staff to within an inch of their lives using a shitty stick in order to get to the bottom of how its projected half year profits were overstated by £250 million. Tesco CEO Dave lewis told us “We’ve tried paying our […]

Shock as cat passes GCSE Maths


Portsmouth Grammar School are looking likely to increase their fees for the coming term having successfully tutored a 4 year old tabby cat through GCSE Maths. Known to class mates as Fiddles, the cat managed to break all records within feline academia by obtaining a grade C, despite not seeming fully engaged during the examination […]

Fury as tablet ban means Manchester United fans have to watch the football

computers man united

Manchester United fans are said to be livid today at news that an imminent ban on tablet computers at Old Trafford may mean having to watch football for virtually the whole duration of each visit. One furious fan told us “I paid 900 odd quid for my season ticket, well my company did anyway, and […]


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