George Osborne promises steam engines to the north

George Osborne steam trains

A future North of England could see it’s major cities connected by a series of steam trains, running several times a week according to plans announced today by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking at a packed press conference in Manchester, Mr Osborne explained “For a northern economy to thrive, northerners are going to […]

Controversy as all new cars built to face Mecca

cars facing mecca

Far right movements such as the BNP, Britain First and UKIP are considering a joint protest today following a leaked memo that all new cars manufactured in Britain are now designed to face Mecca. A spokesman for the Honda factory in Swindon explained that the change in production had not been universally popular but their […]

Gary Barlow in OBE giving back avoidance scheme

Barlow

Former 1990s bland songsmith Gary Barlow has again been criticised today as evidence has emerged that he entered into an OBE giving back avoidance scheme, a scheme so complex that it managed to sidestep all OBE giving back laws and protocol, resulting in the scenario that he still has one. A parliamentary insider explained that […]

Top 100 UK billionaires “bound to share it out sooner or later”

billionaires

Britain’s poorest families have today received a welcome boost to their spirits amidst benefit cuts and food banks at breaking point, as the new Sunday Times rich list published today shows that there’s actually enough money for everybody. Surely it has been argued, none of them would want to keep such an obscene amount of […]

Gary Barlow in dock for mis-selling Take That songs

A recent life time achievement award from the music industry has been sadly marred by revelations that Gary Barlow conspired to sell Take That songs to members of the public in a misleading fashion. Songs that they neither wanted nor needed. The right wing tax evading 1990s crooner was unavailable for comment today as charges […]

“Fuck you and fuck your bank holiday weekend” say retail workers.

retail workers

Several million retail workers have sent a united message to their non week-end working counterparts, “Fuck you and fuck your bank holiday weekend.” Speaking from behind the counter at a well known chain store and sporting a badge saying “Ask me about some shit or other” a spokesman told us: “The simple fact that many […]

Londoners cope with tube strike by way of cockney sing song

cockneys

Commuters in London are all said to be upbeat today having coped with the first day of a two day tube strike by having a proper cockney sing song to lift their spirits. The strike is in protest at measures announced by London Mayor Boris Johnson dispensing with the process where in order to commence […]

Bastard Barclays in bigger bumper bitching bankers bonuses bonanza

bankers

The City of London have spent this afternoon riding around on horses shooting guns in the air and drunkenly whooping at the news that Barclays bank shareholders have voted today to increase their spending on remuneration packages which include higher bonuses for staff despite a 30% drop in profits. One trader in a slightly contrived […]

Co-op members set to vote to carry on being shit

co-op

Former City Minister Lord Myners has said he is still confident he can persuade members of the Co-operative Group to vote for the troubled company to try not to be quite so shit, despite quitting the board due to growing opposition to his plans. Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political show ‘Afternoon bollocks’  Lord Myners explained “I […]

Customers desert Morrisons over allegations that Market Street isn’t actually a market

morrisons market street

Supermarket chain Morrisons have come under fire today after suspicions from customers that their much advertised ‘Market Street’ actually isn’t one. One frustrated would be market trader told us “It’s infuriating. I’ve been turning up with a van load of bananas at 4am every morning for the last 8 years. You would have thought they’d […]

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