Nestle and Coca-Cola fight over who owns Martian water

Mars water

Representatives of Nestlé and Coca-Cola are at loggerheads today as both laid claim to all the water apparently found on Mars, each arguing that they had bagsied it first. Nestlé chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe said “Now Mars has been shown to have water then it could conceivably sustain primitive subaquatic life forms. And if these basic fish […]

London House Prices back to normal now cereal shop shut

ceral killer

London House prices have this evening gone back to roughly the same as the rest of the country thanks to a group of plucky protesters who today assisted in shutting a breakfast cereal shop in Shoreditch. One protester told us that he felt a warm glow knowing that not only could people once again buy […]

Isle of Wight chosen for Britain’s first autobahn

isle of wight autobahn

The Isle of Wight has been chosen as the setting for Britain’s first speed limit free motorway according to the Department of Transport. Secretary of State for Transport Patrick McLoughlin said “We want to create a southern offshore powerhouse. And we’re not going to have that pootling around at 40 mph. It’s time the Island […]

VW drivers to blame for global warming

vw drivers

Volkswagen drivers are entirely to blame for global warming, driving around their pretend eco-friendly armageddon mobiles, the company’s Chief Executive has admitted today. The statement comes following reports that the VW onboard computer was deliberately programmed to not display the global warming catastrophe light the moment the engine was started, leaving the drivers able to […]

“Absolutely Fine to put petrol in diesel cars”

petrol in diesel cars

The AA have confirmed that it is absolutely fine to put petrol in diesel cars should Britain run out of diesel in the next few months as widely predicted by the British media. Speaking on popular TV motor show Top Gear a spokesman for the AA explained “It’s the big secret that the motor industry […]

Government Trade Union bill to disperse groups of one

protester arrested

A new Government bill could give police powers to disperse groups of one unless they are wearing an arm band, a top hat, and have 14 forms of identification under proposed amendments to trade union laws announced today. Business Secretary Sajid Javid said  ” It’s not enough for these people that we have more job […]

Super-rich arse-hat furious at workers having enough to eat

justin king arse hat

Super rich arse-hat and former Sainsbury boss Justin King told today of his fury at a 50p an hour pay rise meaning many full time workers might be able to run amok paying bills and having enough to eat willy nilly. Mr King who trousered almost £2 million in his last year working for Sainsbury […]

Panic as traders’ bonuses could be a bit lower

traders panic

Stock market traders in London, Paris and Frankfurt have slightly lowered their proposed bonus expectations as fears of a Chinese economic slowdown continue to worry state endorsed corporate gamblers worldwide. Selfishly other people have just carried on with their lives. One trader told us of the sorrow he felt at the prospect of an annual […]

Germany considers Greece’s proposal to shove their debt up their arse

greek prime minister

Eurozone finance ministers are thought to be seriously considering Greece’s proposal that, rather than discuss a new bail out, they actually take the whole debt and shove it up their arse. The proposal comes following a widely publicised referendum where they Greek people chose rectally depositing their debt as opposed to the other two options […]

Gay cake row bakery ordered to make cake shaped like enormous cock

gay cake row

Ashers bakery in Northern Ireland has been ordered by a judge to make a cake shaped like an enormous todger as part of a compensation package for its homophobic practices under the guise of religion. The firm which offers ‘exclusively heterosexual and God fearing patisserie’ was found to have discriminated against a couple who may […]


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