Fury as Osborne family win lottery jackpot

george osborne lottery

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has refused to confirm or deny that either he or a member of his close family scooped a lottery jackpot of almost £30 million yesterday. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Osborne denied that the win would change him. “It’s not that much really. And anyway it’s not […]

Still more time to run around panic buying shit

christmas shopping

Despite the fact that the shops are shut for a day on Friday there are still a few more days to run around panic buying shit according to retailers. A spokesman for the National Association of Generic Shopping Centres said “If you ran around yesterday buying ill thought out presents and you’ve woken up this […]

Company lightens minumum wage hell with compulsory christmas hats

santa hat minimum wage

A large company has today taken the edge of its employees’ anguish at working for the minimum wage at the most expensive time of year by making them wear Christmas hats. In a memo to all employees a spokesman for the company’s senior management and directors said “We’re not giving you a pay rise or […]

Black-cab drivers to be forced to forget “The knowledge”

black cab driver

Black-cab drivers are to be forced to forget the knowledge and instead use either a sat-nav or just drive around in circles like a twat hoping to finally stumble on their destination, according to new legislation announced by the Government. David Cameron warned that climbing into a taxi whose driver had some sort of fucking […]

Sisters of Mercy to accompany black Friday sales

sisters of mercy

A spokesman for Lakeside shopping centre has confirmed that Sisters of Mercy will be playing live in the shopping centre throughout Black Friday in what will be one of their longest shows ever and free of charge to all bargain hunters. “It’s always manic in here on Black Friday, but with an ageing Andrew Eldritch […]

Ham shop owner defends decision to ban Muslims

ham

The owner of a speciality ham shop in Oxfordshire has defended his recent decision to refuse to serve all Muslims until such time as they take responsibility for events instigated in a different country by people they had no connection to. Dave England, proprietor of “Out of Hams way” in Bicester village, said “I can’t […]

VW cars run off the tears of dying baby seals

vw baby seals

Volkswagen have been forced to admit that rather than using petrol or diesel their cars in fact run off the tears of dying baby seals, torn from their natural habitat by its ecological destruction, again caused by Volkswagen cars. The firm’s board will talk to regulators about the consequences of its discovery, the firm said […]

1980s band Talk Talk suffer cyber attack

talk talk

1980s band Talk Talk have suffered a cyber attack potentially endangering the security of anyone who bought their LPs, saw them in concert or hummed one of their tunes in the bath or maybe up a ladder. Band front man Mark Hollis admitted that the former New Wave act had made fundamental errors in terms […]

“You’re our special little soldier” Coca Cola tell David Cameron

david Cameron coca-cola

Multinational beverage corporation Coca Cola has today issued a statement hailing David Cameron as their ‘special little soldier’ following his decision today to rule out taxing sugary drinks. Part of the statement reads “We’re very grateful that David has seen sense and children are now able to spend all their pocket money on carbonated drinks […]

Government to impose Jamie Oliver tax

jamie oliver tax

A spokesman for the department of Health has confirmed today that the Government will be taxing any food, phrases or general behaviour that can be traced back to cheeky mockney dinner-monger Jamie Oliver. “We’ve been under pressure to think about public health and well being and admittedly we may have had our heads in the […]

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