Sisters of Mercy to accompany black Friday sales

sisters of mercy

A spokesman for Lakeside shopping centre has confirmed that Sisters of Mercy will be playing live in the shopping centre throughout Black Friday in what will be one of their longest shows ever and free of charge to all bargain hunters. “It’s always manic in here on Black Friday, but with an ageing Andrew Eldritch […]

Ham shop owner defends decision to ban Muslims


The owner of a speciality ham shop in Oxfordshire has defended his recent decision to refuse to serve all Muslims until such time as they take responsibility for events instigated in a different country by people they had no connection to. Dave England, proprietor of “Out of Hams way” in Bicester village, said “I can’t […]

VW cars run off the tears of dying baby seals

vw baby seals

Volkswagen have been forced to admit that rather than using petrol or diesel their cars in fact run off the tears of dying baby seals, torn from their natural habitat by its ecological destruction, again caused by Volkswagen cars. The firm’s board will talk to regulators about the consequences of its discovery, the firm said […]

1980s band Talk Talk suffer cyber attack

talk talk

1980s band Talk Talk have suffered a cyber attack potentially endangering the security of anyone who bought their LPs, saw them in concert or hummed one of their tunes in the bath or maybe up a ladder. Band front man Mark Hollis admitted that the former New Wave act had made fundamental errors in terms […]

“You’re our special little soldier” Coca Cola tell David Cameron

david Cameron coca-cola

Multinational beverage corporation Coca Cola has today issued a statement hailing David Cameron as their ‘special little soldier’ following his decision today to rule out taxing sugary drinks. Part of the statement reads “We’re very grateful that David has seen sense and children are now able to spend all their pocket money on carbonated drinks […]

Government to impose Jamie Oliver tax

jamie oliver tax

A spokesman for the department of Health has confirmed today that the Government will be taxing any food, phrases or general behaviour that can be traced back to cheeky mockney dinner-monger Jamie Oliver. “We’ve been under pressure to think about public health and well being and admittedly we may have had our heads in the […]

Nestle and Coca-Cola fight over who owns Martian water

Mars water

Representatives of Nestlé and Coca-Cola are at loggerheads today as both laid claim to all the water apparently found on Mars, each arguing that they had bagsied it first. Nestlé chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe said “Now Mars has been shown to have water then it could conceivably sustain primitive subaquatic life forms. And if these basic fish […]

London House Prices back to normal now cereal shop shut

ceral killer

London House prices have this evening gone back to roughly the same as the rest of the country thanks to a group of plucky protesters who today assisted in shutting a breakfast cereal shop in Shoreditch. One protester told us that he felt a warm glow knowing that not only could people once again buy […]

Isle of Wight chosen for Britain’s first autobahn

isle of wight autobahn

The Isle of Wight has been chosen as the setting for Britain’s first speed limit free motorway according to the Department of Transport. Secretary of State for Transport Patrick McLoughlin said “We want to create a southern offshore powerhouse. And we’re not going to have that pootling around at 40 mph. It’s time the Island […]

VW drivers to blame for global warming

vw drivers

Volkswagen drivers are entirely to blame for global warming, driving around their pretend eco-friendly armageddon mobiles, the company’s Chief Executive has admitted today. The statement comes following reports that the VW onboard computer was deliberately programmed to not display the global warming catastrophe light the moment the engine was started, leaving the drivers able to […]


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