Panic as traders’ bonuses could be a bit lower

traders panic

Stock market traders in London, Paris and Frankfurt have slightly lowered their proposed bonus expectations as fears of a Chinese economic slowdown continue to worry state endorsed corporate gamblers worldwide. Selfishly other people have just carried on with their lives. One trader told us of the sorrow he felt at the prospect of an annual […]

Germany considers Greece’s proposal to shove their debt up their arse

greek prime minister

Eurozone finance ministers are thought to be seriously considering Greece’s proposal that, rather than discuss a new bail out, they actually take the whole debt and shove it up their arse. The proposal comes following a widely publicised referendum where they Greek people chose rectally depositing their debt as opposed to the other two options […]

Gay cake row bakery ordered to make cake shaped like enormous cock

gay cake row

Ashers bakery in Northern Ireland has been ordered by a judge to make a cake shaped like an enormous todger as part of a compensation package for its homophobic practices under the guise of religion. The firm which offers ‘exclusively heterosexual and God fearing patisserie’ was found to have discriminated against a couple who may […]

HSBC to move to country where it can do what the fuck it likes


HSBC are considering moving to a different country where it can do whatever the fuck it likes, as opposed to being more regulated, having to pay more tax and exhibit evidence of some sort of social conscience. The move follows plans announced in the budget to increase the bank levy. A spokesman for the bank […]

Michael Eavis builds 40 foot high fence around eclipse

eavis wall

Michael Eavis has built a 40 foot high fence around tomorrow’s solar eclipse and hired a large security firm to ensure that only those who have paid him £400 a ticket or are on some sort of corporate guest list can sneak a peak. Speaking on Radio One’s Newsbeat Mr Eavis said “I’m very proud […]

Drinkers’ joy as pint of Peroni down from £4.58 to £4.57

beer drinkers

Drinkers throughout the UK have reacted with pure unbridled joy at the news that a pint of Peroni in their local chain pub will now be reduced from £4.58 to £4.57 after Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne announced a reduction of a whole penny per pint in beer duty as part of today’s budget. […]

Rush for loans as negative inflation means loan companies must pay borrowers interest


Lenders ranging from banks to pay day loan companies are thought to be furious at news that negative inflation forecast for later in the year could mean having to pay interest to people who have borrowed from them. Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, explained that in a society such as ours that […]

America to ban imports of dog eggs

dog eggs

America is set to ban the import of the British delicacy of dog eggs amidst apparent concerns about the ingredients according to reports released today via International press agency Reuters. The move is set to anger ex pats and American anglophiles already reeling from the bans on Chocolate, fois gras, and Newcastle Brown Ale, and […]

Supermarkets unable to charge for vegetables under ancient foraging laws


Britain’s Supermarkets apart from Iceland have told shareholders to stay calm at the news that ancient foraging laws mean they are unable legally to charge for fruit, meat or vegetables on the proviso that they could have been picked, dug up or hunted in Britain. A spokesman for the National Association of foragers told us […]

Tesco flees the country

tesco flees the country

Supermarket giant Tesco is rumoured this evening to have fled the country having been released today on bail following an interrogation by the serious fraud office. One industry insider told us “There’s no cast iron proof of guilt just yet but that Tesco’s not stupid and obviously decided to do a runner before they put […]


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