Tesco to offer free cheese

tesco free cheese

In a bold move designed to drastically change the fortunes of the ailing supermarket giant, Tesco have announced this morning they are going to stop charging for all mainstream varieties of cheese with immediate effect. Chief Executive Dave Lewis said customers who had turned their backs on Tesco would soon be coming back in droves […]

No more new houses says bloke who’s already got a house

welbourne

A bloke who’s  already got a house has told reporters that he “won’t be taking it lying down” at news there are plans to build some more houses near where he lives. Speaking as part of a protest against the new village of Welbourne to be built near Fareham in Hampshire, he explained that it […]

Wonga to write off loans to dogs, cats and babies

fucking wonga

Fine, upstanding and not all predatory loans company Wonga have today confirmed that they will stop pursuing loans taken out by dogs, cats and babies. A spokesman for the not all parasitical debt mongers explained “We’re well aware that our loans are so easy to get that sometimes dogs, cats or babies can take out […]

Tesco to beat its staff with a shitty stick

tesco staff shitty stick

Supermarket giant Tesco is said to be taking the unusual step of beating its staff to within an inch of their lives using a shitty stick in order to get to the bottom of how its projected half year profits were overstated by £250 million. Tesco CEO Dave lewis told us “We’ve tried paying our […]

Shock as cat passes GCSE Maths

cat

Portsmouth Grammar School are looking likely to increase their fees for the coming term having successfully tutored a 4 year old tabby cat through GCSE Maths. Known to class mates as Fiddles, the cat managed to break all records within feline academia by obtaining a grade C, despite not seeming fully engaged during the examination […]

Fury as tablet ban means Manchester United fans have to watch the football

computers man united

Manchester United fans are said to be livid today at news that an imminent ban on tablet computers at Old Trafford may mean having to watch football for virtually the whole duration of each visit. One furious fan told us “I paid 900 odd quid for my season ticket, well my company did anyway, and […]

Boots takeover gives dull managery types something to talk about

boots

Wide eyed but dull managery types throughout the country have filled wine bars, chain coffee shops and hotel lobbies today to excitedly discuss the fact that one huge faceless corporation has taken over another. One be-suited middle managery person told us “I lost most of my real friends years ago when I started endlessly talking […]

George Osborne promises steam engines to the north

George Osborne steam trains

A future North of England could see it’s major cities connected by a series of steam trains, running several times a week according to plans announced today by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking at a packed press conference in Manchester, Mr Osborne explained “For a northern economy to thrive, northerners are going to […]

Controversy as all new cars built to face Mecca

cars facing mecca

Far right movements such as the BNP, Britain First and UKIP are considering a joint protest today following a leaked memo that all new cars manufactured in Britain are now designed to face Mecca. A spokesman for the Honda factory in Swindon explained that the change in production had not been universally popular but their […]

Gary Barlow in OBE giving back avoidance scheme

Barlow

Former 1990s bland songsmith Gary Barlow has again been criticised today as evidence has emerged that he entered into an OBE giving back avoidance scheme, a scheme so complex that it managed to sidestep all OBE giving back laws and protocol, resulting in the scenario that he still has one. A parliamentary insider explained that […]

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