Blue Peter viewers vote to name new royal baby “Motorbike”

blue peter

Blue Peter viewers have voted to name the  imminent new Royal baby ‘Motorbike’, as the results have come in from one of the most successful nationwide competitions ever run by the show. The show was previously facing tough scrutiny from regulators after a similar competition to name one of the show’s cats ended up in […]

Hopkins to be pneumatically inflated and used as boat

Hopkins

Katie Hopkins is to be pneumatically inflated and used as a boat in order to transport people on essential sea voyages according to sources close to the right wing shock monger. One source told us  “She just wants to do the right thing. She may come across via the media as a rather unpleasant person, […]

Greg Wallace run over by a cliché

greg wallace

Greg Wallace is reported to be critical but stable, having been run over by a cliché during today’s filming of Masterchef A source from the never-ending, swanky-nosh competition told us “It’s a dangerous job. He spouts this shit day in, day out knowing that at any point one of his nuggets of generic mediocrity could […]

Will i Am buys house in Cockfosters

Will i Am cockfosters

Former Black eyed peas front man and now chief chair spinner apart from Tom Jones on TV show ‘The voice’ has fuelled rumours that he is indeed setting down roots in Britain and buying a house in Cockfosters. Though contracts are yet to be exchanged Mr i Am is believed to have had an offer […]

Avid Merrion withdraws Jeremy Clarkson character

jeremy Clarkson avid merrion

Avid Merrion has confirmed that he will be withdrawing his character of Jeremy Clarkson with immediate effect and will now stick to entertaining the nation with his less offensive characters such as the small bear that keeps showing his penis. In a situation not dissimilar from the termination of the Dapper Laughs character last year, […]

Michael Eavis builds 40 foot high fence around eclipse

eavis wall

Michael Eavis has built a 40 foot high fence around tomorrow’s solar eclipse and hired a large security firm to ensure that only those who have paid him £400 a ticket or are on some sort of corporate guest list can sneak a peak. Speaking on Radio One’s Newsbeat Mr Eavis said “I’m very proud […]

Thompson Twins to headline Glastonbury

thompson twins

The Thompson Twins have been confirmed to headline Glastonbury festival according to organiser and land owner Michael Eavis. “It’s taken a lot of negotiation. We didn’t know where they were, we didn’t know what they look like now, and we weren’t even sure if they still lived together in the same house. Indeed, the band […]

Clarkson offered Top Gear Job in Argentina

clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson is thought to be seriously considering a job in South America after a petition signed by almost 500,000 people, all Argentinians, has asked for him to go over and present his unique blend of jingoistic banter and motoring information over there. President of Argentina and self confessed Anglophile Cristina Fernández de Kirchner said […]

Alan Titchmarsh tipped to replace Jeremy Clarkson

alan titchmarsh

Alan Titchmarsh has been hotly tipped to replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear according to BBC sources. The green fingered Housewives’ favourite is thought to be a breath of fresh air from Clarkson, widely known as the curly haired bastard love child of Prince Philip who has graced our screens since the 1980s but has […]

Eurovision viewers urged to start drinking now

eurovision

Anticipated spectators of 2015’s Eurovision song contest due to be held in Vienna in May have been urged by experts to start drinking alcohol immediately and in great quantities, in order to survive the relentless battering of absolute bollocks to the auditory cortex, which is widely tipped to be the worst since 1976. The move […]

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