SNP demand vote on 1976 Eurovision song contest

sturgeon

Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has described legislation that stops Scottish MPs voting retrospectively on the winning act in the 1976 Eurovision Song Contest as “Unacceptable”. Incensed that the winning song, ‘Save all your kisses for me’ by Brotherhood of Man, was seemingly pushed through without any consultation of Scottish MPs Ms Sturgeon said: “You […]

“3 more days before you can take a shit” Glastonbury punters assured

eavis shit

Glastonbury revellers who arrived on Wednesday and already have the ‘turtles head showing’ have been reassured by organisers that they only have 3 more days before they can drop the kids off at the pool in the comfort of their own home. Land owner, organiser and non-moustached beard type person,  Michael Eavis, hit back angrily […]

Gary Barlow to receive second knighthood

barlow

Take That songsmith Gary Barlow is said to be “jubilant, delighted and over the moon” following news that he is going to be knighted once again as part of the Queen’s birthday honours list. The inland revenue dodging songsmith who has reportedly played at a number of cabinet members’ birthday parties will now be known […]

Taylor Swift takes a shit or something

Taylor Swift takes a shit

Taylor Swift has once again hit the headlines following reports that she has taken a shit or something. Famous for a number of hits including that one that goes doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doooo, der-derr, de-der-derr.  Swift has recently bagged the front page for antic such as walking backwards, getting into a car and sitting down on a number […]

Revealed! Morrissey’s secret processed meat wonderland.

morrissey processed meat

Former Smiths front man Morrissey is said to be unavailable for comment following revelations that his LA mansion actually hides a private theme park dedicated to all forms of processed meat. Former Smiths bandmate Johnny Marr told us “Publicly he’s been a vegetarian for many years. Privately he loves a Big Mac or a chopped […]

Islamic State suspected as Kanye and Kim go missing

Kim and Kanye

Islamic State have refused to confirm or deny that they are responsible for the sudden disappearance of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as concern grows for their whereabouts, neither having appeared on any form of media for a matter of hours. One eye witness told us “I saw two people bundled into a car by […]

Boney M banned from Russia

boney m

Members of the 1970s band Boney M have been told that they will face a travel ban on any future trips to Russia should they be planning such a thing according to information released this morning. The band are reportedly on a list of almost a hundred public figures all banned from Russia which includes […]

Gove hints at releasing Florence Welch in time for Glastonbury

florence welch holloway prison

Justice Secretary Michael Gove has given his strongest hints yet that lead singer of Florence and the Machine, Florence Welch could well be granted parole in time for festival season. “We all like listening to Florence and the Machine at home but it’s not quite the same as watching it in a field whilst drinking […]

Barry Chuckle to compete against brother Paul for Labour leadership

chuckle brothers

Barry Chuckle has this morning denied rumours of any sibling animosity  following the news that he will be running against his  brother Paul in the forthcoming labour leadership battle. One Labour insider told us “Paul Chuckle is furious. Over and above entertaining generations of children with the same joke he has never hidden his naked […]

Russell brand tells people not to vote again

brand miliband

Russell Brand has changed his mind and appealed to the public not to vote. Speaking eloquently through the medium of the English language Mr Brand said “I revert forthwith to my original stance. Forsooth I mistook the emotions I experienced after meeting Ed Miliband for a desire to vote for him and persuade my less […]

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