Avid Merrion withdraws Jeremy Clarkson character

jeremy Clarkson avid merrion

Avid Merrion has confirmed that he will be withdrawing his character of Jeremy Clarkson with immediate effect and will now stick to entertaining the nation with his less offensive characters such as the small bear that keeps showing his penis. In a situation not dissimilar from the termination of the Dapper Laughs character last year, […]

Michael Eavis builds 40 foot high fence around eclipse

eavis wall

Michael Eavis has built a 40 foot high fence around tomorrow’s solar eclipse and hired a large security firm to ensure that only those who have paid him £400 a ticket or are on some sort of corporate guest list can sneak a peak. Speaking on Radio One’s Newsbeat Mr Eavis said “I’m very proud […]

Thompson Twins to headline Glastonbury

thompson twins

The Thompson Twins have been confirmed to headline Glastonbury festival according to organiser and land owner Michael Eavis. “It’s taken a lot of negotiation. We didn’t know where they were, we didn’t know what they look like now, and we weren’t even sure if they still lived together in the same house. Indeed, the band […]

Clarkson offered Top Gear Job in Argentina

clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson is thought to be seriously considering a job in South America after a petition signed by almost 500,000 people, all Argentinians, has asked for him to go over and present his unique blend of jingoistic banter and motoring information over there. President of Argentina and self confessed Anglophile Cristina Fernández de Kirchner said […]

Alan Titchmarsh tipped to replace Jeremy Clarkson

alan titchmarsh

Alan Titchmarsh has been hotly tipped to replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear according to BBC sources. The green fingered Housewives’ favourite is thought to be a breath of fresh air from Clarkson, widely known as the curly haired bastard love child of Prince Philip who has graced our screens since the 1980s but has […]

Eurovision viewers urged to start drinking now

eurovision

Anticipated spectators of 2015’s Eurovision song contest due to be held in Vienna in May have been urged by experts to start drinking alcohol immediately and in great quantities, in order to survive the relentless battering of absolute bollocks to the auditory cortex, which is widely tipped to be the worst since 1976. The move […]

Empty chair tipped to win TV debates

empty chair

The Conservative plan to send an empty chair to the forthcoming political debates between seven parties is looking to have worked in their favour today, as already, several weeks before their commencement the chair is leading dramatically in the polls. One member of the public told us that whilst he generally voted labour, he would […]

Fred Talbot guilty of indecently assaulting the weather

Fred Talbot

Former weather man Fred Talbot indecently assaulted the weather using his position of power and influence to force himself on meteorological variations who were powerless to stop him. Announcing the guilty verdict, presiding Judge Timothy Mort summarised that under the guise of a temperature predicting clown who jumped around a floating map of Britain to […]

Wolf of Wolf Hall a fucking triumph say important people

wolf of wolf fucking hall

The new television adaptation of Hilary Mantel’s Wolf of Wolf Hall is nothing short of a fucking triumph according to some very important and clever people indeed. With performances described as “marvellously humane”,  “smoothly acidic”, and “not shit”, journalists were this morning falling over each other to express their admiration of it’s sheer absolute fucking […]

Gary Glitter “It’s all a big misunderstanding”

Glitter

Gary Glitter has reassured fans that the whole thing is a big misunderstanding and he’ll be back and touring in a shake of a lamb’s tail. Speaking to a hastily assembled press conference the singer told  fans “These charges along with all the other ones and the ones in Vietnam and some others that might […]

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