Mark E Smith to replace Jason Orange in Take That

mark e smith take that

The Fall front man Mark E Smith has confirmed today that he will be replacing Jason Orange in Take That with immediate effect. Front man Gary Barlow told us “We needed someone else called orange in a hurry. We couldn’t find one so the nearest we could get was Mark E Smith who’s 1988 album […]

Supermarkets to stop selling hairy cornflakes

dave lee travis convicted

Supermarkets throughout Britain are to stop selling hairy cornflakes with immediate effect after former radio one DJ and inspiration for the popular breakfast cereal Dave Lee Travis has today been found guilty of indecent assault. The verdict has seen boxes vanish from shelves at an unprecedented rate, perhaps only equalled by the sudden evacuation of […]

Northern Comedians sent to cheer up Islamic state

northern comedians

Britain is to send a crack team of 1970s northern comedians to Iraq and Syria in an attempt to cheer up members of extremist military organisation Islamic State as part of a series of  measures announced by the Government this morning. Speaking at a heaving press conference Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond said “They do seem […]

Duran Duran found still on boat singing Rio

Duran Duran Rio

Pop band Duran Duran have been found still sailing on a boat singing the song Rio, apparently unaware that it was no longer the 1980s. A spokesman for the production company that had made the original video told us that they would take full responsibility as no-one in the team had specifically told them to […]

Charles Bronson to join Celebrity Big Brother House

charles bronson

Channel 5 have confirmed today that the Celebrity Big Brother house will be getting a new house mate this week in the form of Britain’s most dangerous inmate Charles Bronson. A spokesman for the show’s production company Endemol explained  “It’s another twist in the saga. Everybody likes a bit of drama, and you don’t get […]

Kelly Hoppen to talk about herself

kelly hoppen

Kelly Hoppen is to forego the formality of deciding whether to invest in new businesses on TVs Dragons Den and simply talk about herself according to Kelly Hoppen whilst talking about herself on a recent episode of TVs Dragons Den. Speaking to a man pitching for a computer games business, Ms Hoppen explained “I get […]

BBC announce new show “Iain Duncan Smith’s BFF”

Iain Duncan Smith's BFF

The BBC have confirmed that from September Iain Duncan Smith will be appearing in a new reality TV series set to find him a Best friend Forever or BFF. In a promotional trailer for the show Mr Duncan Smith tells us: “People think that after a busy day dismantling the welfare state at a greater […]

Public advised to sing Cliff Richard songs while they still can

Cliff Richards

Members of the public with a penchant for singing Cliff Richard songs at work, whilst out walking or maybe just in the bath, are being told to get it out of their systems once and for all on the off chance that if the singer is arrested and convicted of something, then all his songs […]

Morrissey “If you must eat meat, eat me”

morrissey jamie oliver

Former Smiths front man Morrissey has silenced critics today by offering himself up as cuisine for anyone that eats meat so as to hopefully offer a nutritious  alternative to meat and thus save the life of a cow, lamb or otter. “It means I can encourage people to be herbivorous and musically whinge about being […]

Shock as Gary Glitter to headline Reading Festival

glitter

The organisers of Reading festival have today defended their decision to replace either Blink 182 or the Arctic Monkeys with former 1970s Glam Rock superstar Gary Glitter. The surprise line up change will be Glitter’s first major concert since the 1990s  and will play to a crowd who have been largely deprived of old favourites […]

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