All celebrities made out of plasticine by Tony Hart

richard and judy plasticine

The BBC and other television companies are facing further investigation today as news has emerged that every single celebrity, that we as normal people, look up to and aspire to, is not real and has actually been made out of plasticine by artist and former Vision On presenter Tony Hart. A remorseless and unrepentant Tony […]

Absolute idiot pays £2.2 million for Tracey Emin’s stupid bed

tracey emin's stupid bed

The art world is said to be “vibrating with pretentiousness” today following the news that an undisclosed absolute idiot with a lot of money has bought Tracey Emin’s stupid bed for £2.2 million. One art critic told us that Tracey Emin’s stupid bed had turned the art world on its head. “It has turned the […]

Prison now indistinguishable from a royal variety performance

rolf harris royal variety

Criminals throughout the country are reportedly owning up to their crimes and then committing more in order to ensure a custodial sentence where they will stand a good chance of being entertained for free by a plethora of music hall talent from the 1970s. One judge we spoke to told us “We’re getting through convictions […]

Illegal not to like Dolly parton

dolly parton

Britain has today been coming to terms with the fact that as of the week-end it is now illegal not to like Dolly Parton. After what has been named the biggest concert by anyone ever, (aside from North Korea’s Kim Jong Un fest where the entire country’s population come to see their great leader play […]

Matt Damon to play Ice Cube in Straight Outta Compton film

matt damon

Matt Damon has confirmed today that he will be taking on the role of rapper Ice Cube in the forthcoming film about the meteoric rise and fall of the rap band NWA. Damon who admits that this may be his most challenging role so far told us “People have commented that I may not look […]

Morrissey warns Pubs and restaurants against overcooking beef on fathers day

morrissey roast beef warnings

Former Smiths front man Morrissey has sent out a heartfelt plea to Britains pubs and restaurants to not ruin what would otherwise be a nice family lunch out, by overcooking all meat at their special fathers day Sunday carveries to the extent that people might just as well have stayed at home and cooked the […]

Metallica eaten by bears

metallica

Heavy Metal group Metallica look unlikely to perform their headline slot at Glastonbury 2014 after all, as according to industry insiders,  the entire band have been eaten by bears. Bear hunting is a sport widely advocated by the National Rifle Association in America. It’s leader Charlton Heston apparently lived in fear of the world turning […]

Eavis confirms Glastonbury will be alcohol free

eavis

Michael Eavis has confirmed today that Glastonbury 2014 will be setting the standard for music festivals around the country by becoming Britain’s first dry festival. In what is seen as the next phase of making the festival more corporate, organisers have promised breath tests at the entrance to each field with those over the limit […]

BNP youth release cover of Pass the dutchie pon the left hand side

bnp youth

Teen heart throbs the BNP Youth are looking to capitalise on their new found fame by releasing a series of cover versions of British number one hit singles, starting with “Pass the dutchie pon the left hand side” by Musical Youth, a band with a very similar name. Looking very serious when they spoke to […]

Rolf Harris to paint his defence

rolf harris painting defence

Rolf Harris has today begun his defence against charges of indecent assault by way of puffing, panting and playing the wobble board whilst simultaneously painting a 24 foot high mural, an action that he says will prove him innocent of all charges. One juror told us of his surprise that instead of cross examining the […]

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