Fred Talbot guilty of indecently assaulting the weather

Fred Talbot

Former weather man Fred Talbot indecently assaulted the weather using his position of power and influence to force himself on meteorological variations who were powerless to stop him. Announcing the guilty verdict, presiding Judge Timothy Mort summarised that under the guise of a temperature predicting clown who jumped around a floating map of Britain to […]

Wolf of Wolf Hall a fucking triumph say important people

wolf of wolf fucking hall

The new television adaptation of Hilary Mantel’s Wolf of Wolf Hall is nothing short of a fucking triumph according to some very important and clever people indeed. With performances described as “marvellously humane”,  “smoothly acidic”, and “not shit”, journalists were this morning falling over each other to express their admiration of it’s sheer absolute fucking […]

Gary Glitter “It’s all a big misunderstanding”


Gary Glitter has reassured fans that the whole thing is a big misunderstanding and he’ll be back and touring in a shake of a lamb’s tail. Speaking to a hastily assembled press conference the singer told  fans “These charges along with all the other ones and the ones in Vietnam and some others that might […]

Eastenders films its final episode


The cast and crew of BBC1 soap opera Eastenders are remaining tight lipped tonight as filming ended for the final ever episode. The plot, which staff are contractually obliged not to reveal, sees the ending of a series that will have spanned 30 years by the time it is seen on television towards the end […]

Meet the man who’s persuading jihadists to take up roller disco

roller disco

While politicians huff, puff and declare states of emergency, one man has taken it upon himself to directly address the entire culture of extremism and give it a more disco like feel. Surrey resident Daley Mayall who runs weekly Roller disco nights has told BBC’s the One Show that virtually nobody attending his classes has […]

Kanye West says something intelligent

kanye west intelligent

The worlds of music and celebrity have both been rocked to their core today after news broke that narcissistic performer Kanye West may have unwittingly said something intelligent. Jonathan Lager of Burgess Hill, Sussex was attempting to plant shallots in his garden when he received some unexpected advice from the self-absorbed crooner who just happened […]

Simple Minds found still playing at abandoned stadium

jim kerr

An Officer for the Royal Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Bands has told of one of the worst cases of neglect in his career, after finding eighties rockers Simple Minds still playing in an abandoned stadium from a concert some 30 years earlier. The 20,000 seater stadium situated between Chelmsford and Basildon was locked […]

One Direction “may have joined Isis”

one direction islamic state

The band One Direction may have joined Islamic extremist group ISIS according to unofficial reports released today. The band have been under suspicion for some time for their frequent air travel. A Home Office spokesman told us “People don’t usually travel straight to Syria. They usually dart around different countries first, sometimes only staying a […]

Queen urges a beer and a fight

queens speech

The Queen has used her Christmas day broadcast to highlight the importance of an alcohol fuelled punch up in sorting out personal differences in today’s society. Drunken fisticuffs she explained were a British institution that despite being used for hundreds of years to settle all manner of disagreements, was sadly dying out with pubs declining […]

Don’t make a fuss about my birthday says God

God's birthday

In a rare statement God has gone on record to say he’s not that arsed about his birthday this year and really doesn’t want people to make a fuss. Speaking via the medium of vicars the supreme being explained “I don’t want anyone taking time off work on my account, I’d rather people just treated […]


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