Hunt “Doctors must practice reiki healing”

jeremy hunt reiki

GP’s are going to have to practice Reiki healing in order to deal with a rapidly increasing workload, according to Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. Speaking to an audience of healthcare professionals, Mr Hunt explained “Doctors are always complaining about having to see so many patients but that’s because they’re not thinking outside the box. They’re […]

Morrissey warns Pubs and restaurants against overcooking beef on fathers day

morrissey roast beef warnings

Former Smiths front man Morrissey has sent out a heartfelt plea to Britains pubs and restaurants to not ruin what would otherwise be a nice family lunch out, by overcooking all meat at their special fathers day Sunday carveries to the extent that people might just as well have stayed at home and cooked the […]

Shock as loud girl says ‘Oh my God’ a lot to describe a somewhat mundane occurence

OMG phone

Drinkers in the beer garden at the Black Lion Pub in Hammersmith are said to be relieved and recovering at the news that the girl this afternoon shouting “Oh My God!” into her mobile phone loudly was actually overstating the importance of the situation she was discussing, to the extent that she may have in […]

Festivals to ban long hair

long hair at festivals

A group of more than 20 festivals including T in the park and Bestival have banned the practice of sporting long hair. Seen as part of a new drive to make festivals more streamlined and efficient a spokesperson told us: “We’ve no issue with smartly presented boys and girls who’ve come to sensibly listen to […]

Jeremy Hunt “Just send your Doctor a selfie”

jeremy fucking hunt

Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has told patients that rather than attend surgeries or hospitals they should merely obtain their GPs mobile phone number and send them a selfie. Speaking on the Marr show this morning Mr Hunt explained: “I’m not a Doctor but I saw one recently and I used to regularly […]

Easter bunny urges Christians to butt out of Easter

easter bunny

What appears to be a man dressed up in a rabbit costume has this morning issued a countrywide plea to the public to shun organised religion and remember the real meaning of Easter. “It’s all about the eggs, ideally ones that are mass produced by huge corporate confectionery companies. My job is to deliver chocolate […]

Entire population driving to Cornwall today

traffic

The Department of Transport have warned motorists to  allow plenty of extra time for their journeys today as it is thought that the entire population of Britain and much of Northern Europe will be heading for Cornwall today to enjoy a well earned break over the Easter week-end. A spokesman explained “It’s all going to […]

Smokers celebrate mystery fag packet roulette

smoking

Smokers throughout the country are today celebrating the Government’s decision to remove branding from cigarettes, making it impossible to distinguish which brand you have, and thus making smoking more unpredictable and exciting. One smoker in Australia which legislated to make smoking more fun 2 years ago explained “Life used to be so bloody predictable when […]

Calls to eat animals that have eaten seven portions of vegetables

sheep

A new study published today has urged people to consider their health and stick to eating animals that have eaten not just five but at least seven portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Lead investigator Dr Oyinlola Oyebode said  “We would suggest that people just ate seven portions of fruit and vegetables themselves but […]

Don’t worry about climate change. It’s all going to be fine.

climate change

A man on the television has today told members of the public that rather than the world heading straight for an environmental apocalypse, it’s actually all going to be fine. Speaking to housewives, the long term unemployed and people taking a crafty sickie, under the guise of a conversation with Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby […]

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