Conservative voters confident they won’t ever get ill

conservative voters healthy

Conservative voters are looking forward to the next 5 years of a Conservative Government, confident that they themselves will never get ill and as a result won’t be affected by the inevitable demise of the NHS. One voter we spoke to trying to get a last GP check up in told us “I don’t want […]

Farage fury as Facebook take down pictures of bell-ends

Farage bell-end

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has spoken today of his fury that his own image is no longer viewable on popular social network site Facebook due to new rules regarding the display of photographic images of tits, arses and bell-ends. Speaking via the ruder and more sweary site Twitter, Mr Farage said “I’m shocked, outraged and […]

Some exercise more fattening than cheese

exercise cheese

Whilst most exercise has undoubted health benefits some exercise can actually cause you to put on weight, more so than eating cheese according to a new report released today by scientists at the University of Hove. Publicising the report Professor Brian Cox explained that exercise may be a good thing sometimes but other times you […]

You too can become a millionaire in five easy steps

millionaire

The more money you have the better a person you are. Everyone knows that. Prostituting yourself in a wide eyed evangelical fashion to the corporate Gods can be time consuming, leaving precious few hours for sitting in poncy wine bars making sure everyone knows that you are drinking expensive champagne which secretly you don’t even […]

“Three person babies will projectile vomit while their heads spin round” warns church

three person child

Babies created from three people will have spinning round heads, a tendency to projectile vomit and an absolutely filthy vocabulary according to a spokesman for the Church of England The Reverend Brendan McCarthy, C of E adviser on medical ethics, said of  the process: “We are concerned that this is being thought of as an […]

Participants in Dry January start queueing up for their award

queue

Participants in the celebrity endorsed social media advertised Dry January have already begun to form an orderly queue in order to collect their award. The award is rumoured to be a ‘fucking medal’ as many temporary non-drinkers claim to have been asked if they would like one of these. A spokesman for the National Association […]

Prince Charles “Everyone should stick a crystal up their arse”

prince charles crystal arse

Prince Charles has confirmed that on becoming King he will pass a law that everyone must embrace alternative therapies, beginning with inserting a crystal up their arse. Hitting back at “scientists”, who have criticised his unnerving support for alternative therapies, the Prince, also known as the Duke of Woo, said that the conventional medical world […]

Jeremy Hunt must have camera inserted in his arse say Doctors

jeremy hunt camera arse

Jeremy Hunt must have a camera inserted into his anal passage as a matter of urgency according to Doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals. A spokesman for St Mary’s hospital Paddington said “We can confirm that we will be sending out an ambulance to pick up Mr Hunt with a mind to bringing him to […]

Katie Hopkins to be turned into theme park

katie hopkins theme park

Former Apprentice contestant and twitter troll Katie Hopkins is set to be transformed into a theme park according to ambitious new plans which received planning permission this morning. Situated at the top of the Dover cliffs the park is likely to include white only knuckle rides A spokesman for Dover Council said the attraction could […]

Bloke on Motorway makes New year’s resolution to try indicating just fucking once

bad driver

A motorway driver has today made a new years resolution for 2015 to try actually indicating just fucking once before moving from lane to lane without contemplating the possibility of anyone else on the road. Ronald Shitbucket who drives his MPV mainly at week-ends told us that he was looking forward to starting the new […]

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