Vegans are planning to take a month off in order to take stock, realign their life goals and eat ham, according to a statement issued today by the vegan society.
Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt. Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a […]
Scientists have warned today that a new strain of scurvy which may be resistant to oranges and lemons is on the rise. The vitamin industry has come under fire after repeated calls to invent new vitamins have been ignored. A spokesman for the British Medical Association said “We’ve been a little bit too reliant on […]
Newly discovered Planet 9 can fuck off back to its own solar system and stop enjoying a free orbit around our sun according to right wing astronomers. “I’ve just taught my kids the solar system, dutifully missing out Pluto now that isn’t a planet any more. I thought I was doing the right thing. And […]
A heterosexual couple have today demanded that they be in some way marginalised from society despite being white, heterosexual and middle class, and have demanded exactly the same rights as gay people had before they were allowed to get married. Charles Keidan and Rebecca Steinfeld spoke of their fury at being categorically denied access to […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has refused to confirm or deny that either he or a member of his close family scooped a lottery jackpot of almost £30 million yesterday. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Osborne denied that the win would change him. “It’s not that much really. And anyway it’s not […]
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed today to press on with cuts to the NHS that would virtually eliminate funds for GPs to carry out home visits where they strongly advise monkeys to desist from jumping on the bed. Speaking on the Marr show, Mr Hunt said “Obviously we expect Doctors to turn up at […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has confirmed today that the Government will sort out all the recent flooding by way of a series of harsh cuts in public spending. Speaking to people in the north of England via the television, where he was being interviewed in a nice dry government building in a city […]