Clocks not to go back in Hampshire

clocks go back

Hampshire County Council have confirmed that the county will not be joining the rest of Britain in moving the clocks back this evening. A spokesman for HCC told us that the practice was in many ways outdated and it was hoped that other County Councils would follow suit at some point over the next few […]

Hunt to tackle ebola with cuts and privatisation

jeremy hunt ebola

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed to tackle the threat of an ebola epidemic in Britain through a series of stringent cuts, pay freezes and gradual privatisation of the Health Service. Speaking on the set of the Andrew Marr show and ignoring the fact that neither Marr nor any camera crew were present Mr Hunt […]

UEA students urged to poo in shower

poo in shower

University students are being urged to poo in the shower in order to save water as part of a new campaign launched by students Debs Torr and Chris Dobson, from the University of East Anglia (UEA) in Norwich. The Shit, Shower and Save (water) campaign is due to begin shortly on campus where they want the […]

Britain braces itself for heaviest snow on record

heaviest snow on record

Britain is bracing itself for the heaviest snow on record which when it happens is thought to be likely to cover Britain in a 3-4 metre blanket of snow, which it is thought will then take up to several months to thaw. Veteran TV weatherman Michael Fish who has seen, predicted and been complicit in […]

New Hearing Aid designed to cut out unwanted shouty Scotsmen

chris steele hearing aids

Can’t hear the television for Alex Salmonds? Avoiding social situations for fear of Gordon Browns? Missing the punchlines of jokes because of Alistair Darling? Fortunately help could be at hand as Swiss hearing aid manufacturer Phonak have announced the general release of a new hearing aid that improves speech intelligibility by cutting out unwanted shouty […]

“Please stay and relive your student days through us” freshers beg parents

freshers

Brand new students have come together as one to beg parents who haven’t left yet after dropping them off at their respective university towns and show no signs of doing so, that they should all stay indefinitely in order to relive their own student days through their offspring. “I want every experience I have to […]

Volunteers to paint Stonehenge

painting stonehenge

Volunteers are already assembling in Amesbury, Wiltshire this morning to give Stonehenge a much needed lick of paint in what is thought to be the largest organised multi-colour painting of an ancient monument in recent history. Chief Druid Arthur Uther Pendragon told us “The trouble with Stonehenge is that it was built 4.5k years ago […]

Drugs prices to go up after a Yes vote

alex salmond drugs prices

  A spokesman for the National Association of Dealers has warned that retail prices for recreational drugs could go up in the event of a yes vote. “Up until now, any time we want to bring a big bag of dirty rugs into the country we just stick them in the back of a Ford […]

Independent Scotland to get half of the Queen

salmond half the queen

An independent Scotland will most likely get half of the Queen according to legal experts. A spokesman for the palace told us “We’re all up for it but we’re not entirely sure about dividing up Royalty. It’s uncharted territory. Unless she’s very stretchy it would mean putting her on the border where negotiations would take […]

Currys roll out device that can detect horse meat

horse meat detector

Electrical retail giant Currys have confirmed that as of tomorrow it will be selling a hand held device that can detect horse meat in processed foods and take-aways by merely pointing it at the foodstuff in question. Originally meant only for use by the Government’s new food crime unit, the battery powered instrument will be […]

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