Government to make sick children do P.E

sick children made to do sports

The Government will be forcing unwell children to do competitive sports as part of their ‘make people do things that they’re not up to’ drive. Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “They’re faking it. Having temperatures and saying achoo a lot doesn’t mean that they can’t spend two hours a week running around […]

Asteroid “not guaranteed” to hit Britain

asteroid

Scientists have urged the British public to stay calm and not panic over the possibility that Britain might at some point be hit by an asteroid. Speaking to a heaving press conference Professor Brian Cox explained “At some point something is going to collide with something else. And if one of those things is Britain […]

British beaches to start charging

british beaches

Beaches throughout Great Britain are set to become chargeable as part of new reforms announced today by Home Secretary Theresa May. The charges which are thought to be set at £8 per person per day, or £11 if you want to go in the sea, will come in to place in August and will be […]

Red trousers given health warning

bloke in red trousers

Blokes who wear red trousers are exposing themselves and others to a wide variety of health issues according to a report released today by the Department of Health. The report is thought to be the first to make a firm connection between wearing red trousers and symptoms such as sticking out a mile on country […]

Billy Whizz accused of historic drug use

Billy Whizz

Cartoon athlete Billy Whizz has denied accusations that he deliberately missed drug tests throughout the 1980s when he enjoyed the accolade of World’s fastest boy. Lawyers representing the Beano have robustly denied any drug abuse within the comic citing as an example a weekly story about unruly school children who live on Bash street, who […]

Fracking absolutely safe and everyone should have a go

fracking in garden

Fracking is absolutely safe and everyone should be doing it in their own back gardens according to a new report by Lancashire County Council which looks set to be used as a blue print for the country as a whole. The report entitled ‘random drilling and shooting jets of water at great velocity into the […]

Australian couple to divorce over incorrect use of apostrophe’s

apostrophe's

An Australian couple has vowed to divorce “as a matter of conscience” unless societies across the English speaking world, reverse their apparent relaxed attitude to incorrect placement of apostrophes. Speaking to a heaving press conference married couple and grammar purist’s Nick and Sarah Jensen told us “We walked past a car supermarket which advertised Ford’s, […]

Scientists dumbfounded as Stonehenge producing electricity

stonehenge

Scientists have admitted that they are at a loss to explain why Stonehenge appears to be producing electricity at a rate that seems to be increasing every day as we move towards the summer solstice. A spokesman for the National Trust said “We’re not sure why this is suddenly happening but it seems you can […]

This man’s knob fell out accidentally in busy street. What happened next will amaze you

man's knob

Juan Caunetto (38) experienced a drama that all men secretly dread whilst walking briskly to catch a tube train from Baker Street station in London. Just before entering the station he checked his flies only to find out that not only were they open but his own knob was hanging out for all to see. […]

Britain braces itself for hottest weekend on record

alexis green

Britain is bracing itself for what is likely to be the hottest week-end on record after news from the Met office has suggested that at some stage we are likely to have a weekend hotter than any other weekend that there has ever been before. High street retailers are thought to be anticipating record sales […]

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