Catholic church warns God to stop making gays

pope gay

The Catholic church have asked God to ruddy well pull his socks up and stop making gays, as the synod on family issues opens this morning. A spokesman for the Vatican said that God was being irresponsible and according to the esteemed book of Leviticus would risk being severely punished by himself. “If he insists […]

Britain First vow to help keep racist night clubs afloat

Britain First clubbing

Members of Britain First have vowed to put their glad rags on, sport their dancing shoes and support any West end night clubs that might suffer a loss of business for racist door policies. Leader Paul Golding told us “We hadn’t realised these clubs were operating a racially prejudiced door policy and quite frankly we […]

London House Prices back to normal now cereal shop shut

ceral killer

London House prices have this evening gone back to roughly the same as the rest of the country thanks to a group of plucky protesters who today assisted in shutting a breakfast cereal shop in Shoreditch. One protester told us that he felt a warm glow knowing that not only could people once again buy […]

VW drivers to blame for global warming

vw drivers

Volkswagen drivers are entirely to blame for global warming, driving around their pretend eco-friendly armageddon mobiles, the company’s Chief Executive has admitted today. The statement comes following reports that the VW onboard computer was deliberately programmed to not display the global warming catastrophe light the moment the engine was started, leaving the drivers able to […]

Chris Packham to reintroduce Gonorroea to its natural habitat


Chris Packham has today applauded moves to release a new strain of Gonorrhoea back into it’s natural habitat, starting with Yorkshire, where in days gone by it was considered as much a part of the region as cloth caps and Eccles cakes. Speaking from a camouflaged tent in Leeds city centre, along with Bill Oddie […]

“Absolutely Fine to put petrol in diesel cars”

petrol in diesel cars

The AA have confirmed that it is absolutely fine to put petrol in diesel cars should Britain run out of diesel in the next few months as widely predicted by the British media. Speaking on popular TV motor show Top Gear a spokesman for the AA explained “It’s the big secret that the motor industry […]

Costa coffee employee sacked for getting Costa coffee tattoo

costa coffee tattoo

A former Costa coffee employee has said she is  “heartbroken” following her dismissal from Costa coffee, a company that she loved working for so much that she had the company logo tattooed on her arm. A tearful Tracey Crapper from Burgess Hill  told us “I loved everything about that job. I loved selling warm caffeinated drinks, marketed […]

Chuckle Brothers to cheer up goths

chuckle brothers cheer up goths

Goths throughout Britain who have barely cracked a smile since their invention in the 1980s may finally be able to cheer up a bit and stop sitting woefully in grave yards eating liver, according to a report highlighting plans to entertain them with the Chuckle Brothers. The leaked report details plans to replace forthcoming Sisters […]

Pub beer gardens to ban farting

farting in beer gardens

Farting is set to be banned in pub beer gardens following a report released today by the Royal Society for Public Health who said that the practise should be seen as “abnormal” and more controls are needed to cover areas where people gather. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said that regrettably despite Government intervention, people were […]

Olympic medals awarded to fat man as all athletes fail narcotics tests


All Olympic medals are set to be reallocated to a fat man following the news that all athletes have tested positive on a mass retest of samples from 1954 to the present day. A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee said “We have to give these medals to someone. And as it turns out all […]


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