More MPs predicted to quit as scientists find cure for conservatism

cure for conservatism

Scientists have this morning confirmed that the most recent outbreak of conservatism may soon be under control. Dr Bertram Onions of GlaxoSmithKline told us that initial trials on members of parliament had proved promising and the drug was now ready to be administered to all MPs exhibiting symptoms of the debilitating condition. “We know sooner […]

End of summer means bloke can stop driving his convertible up and down the seafront

convertibles on seafront

The official end of summer this week has been hailed by convertible drivers throughout the country as it now means they can so something else at weekends other than endlessly drive their cars up and down the seafront. One driver told us that for him the move to autumn couldn’t have come sooner. “It’s shit. […]

British public in shit bucket challenge frenzy

shit bucket challenge

The old adage of a butterfly flapping it’s wings can cause a tsunami the other side of the planet, or in this case a poonami as the much publicised new craze of shit bucket challenge has gone viral in recent weeks. Stories are coming in thick and fast from people are choosing not to avail […]

Reiki healers urged to help with ebola epidemic

reiki ebola

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised to help Britain’s best Reiki healers to fly over to West Africa to help with the Ebola virus outbreak. “We haven’t tried connecting sufferers with their inner wholeness. As far as we can work out the World Health Organisation has no strategy for tackling the virus through intangible energy […]

Hunt “Doctors must practice reiki healing”

jeremy hunt reiki

GP’s are going to have to practice Reiki healing in order to deal with a rapidly increasing workload, according to Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. Speaking to an audience of healthcare professionals, Mr Hunt explained “Doctors are always complaining about having to see so many patients but that’s because they’re not thinking outside the box. They’re […]

Morrissey warns Pubs and restaurants against overcooking beef on fathers day

morrissey roast beef warnings

Former Smiths front man Morrissey has sent out a heartfelt plea to Britains pubs and restaurants to not ruin what would otherwise be a nice family lunch out, by overcooking all meat at their special fathers day Sunday carveries to the extent that people might just as well have stayed at home and cooked the […]

Shock as loud girl says ‘Oh my God’ a lot to describe a somewhat mundane occurence

OMG phone

Drinkers in the beer garden at the Black Lion Pub in Hammersmith are said to be relieved and recovering at the news that the girl this afternoon shouting “Oh My God!” into her mobile phone loudly was actually overstating the importance of the situation she was discussing, to the extent that she may have in […]

Festivals to ban long hair

long hair at festivals

A group of more than 20 festivals including T in the park and Bestival have banned the practice of sporting long hair. Seen as part of a new drive to make festivals more streamlined and efficient a spokesperson told us: “We’ve no issue with smartly presented boys and girls who’ve come to sensibly listen to […]

Jeremy Hunt “Just send your Doctor a selfie”

jeremy fucking hunt

Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has told patients that rather than attend surgeries or hospitals they should merely obtain their GPs mobile phone number and send them a selfie. Speaking on the Marr show this morning Mr Hunt explained: “I’m not a Doctor but I saw one recently and I used to regularly […]

Easter bunny urges Christians to butt out of Easter

easter bunny

What appears to be a man dressed up in a rabbit costume has this morning issued a countrywide plea to the public to shun organised religion and remember the real meaning of Easter. “It’s all about the eggs, ideally ones that are mass produced by huge corporate confectionery companies. My job is to deliver chocolate […]

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