Chuckle Brothers to cheer up goths

chuckle brothers cheer up goths

Goths throughout Britain who have barely cracked a smile since their invention in the 1980s may finally be able to cheer up a bit and stop sitting woefully in grave yards eating liver, according to a report highlighting plans to entertain them with the Chuckle Brothers. The leaked report details plans to replace forthcoming Sisters […]

Pub beer gardens to ban farting

farting in beer gardens

Farting is set to be banned in pub beer gardens following a report released today by the Royal Society for Public Health who said that the practise should be seen as “abnormal” and more controls are needed to cover areas where people gather. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said that regrettably despite Government intervention, people were […]

Olympic medals awarded to fat man as all athletes fail narcotics tests

roland

All Olympic medals are set to be reallocated to a fat man following the news that all athletes have tested positive on a mass retest of samples from 1954 to the present day. A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee said “We have to give these medals to someone. And as it turns out all […]

Mark Steele “We should stop selling towels to Germany”

mark steele

Hi I’m Mark Steele. I’m a cheeky young lefty chappy in his fifties. I was just reading about Spanish authorities charging Germans for leaving their towels on sun loungers over night. And I thought to myself, this is our fault. More to the point it’s Thatcher’s. Ok everyone knows that the Germans annexe every bit […]

Northerners warned to only drink beer

northerners beer

More than 300,000 households in Lancashire have been warned by the Department of Health to only drink alcoholic drinks after reports that all their water is now contaminated with a microbial parasite. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said “We’re going to sort it out at some point in the next few days, but until then all […]

Public relief as police start charging hipsters

hipsters

Prolific hipster Anjem Choudary has appeared at Westminster Magistrates Court today in what is expected to be a long awaited crackdown on hipsters and hipster-like activity. The arrest of Mr Choudary and some of his hipster associates is thought to have coincided with a video showing him telling his audience to shun supermarket breakfast cereals […]

Landlords must evict clowns from properties

clowns

Landlords will be directly responsible for recently much maligned clown houses according to new legislation announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron. The legislation stipulates that Landlords must assess all their tenants for clown type tendencies and Mr Cameron warned that repeat offenders would risk prosecution and even imprisonment. Whilst no-one wants to live next […]

Earth 2.0 “might have Jeremy Corbyn as Prime Minister”

earth 2.0

A newly discovered planet, thought to mirror Earth in many ways, may have Jeremy Corbyn as a Prime minister according to experts studying the planet today. Nasa’s science chief John Grunsfeld said “If life on Kepler-452b has advanced in the same way as on earth, then the chances are that there will be human like […]

Cyclist on Southsea seafront to try using the actual cycle lane just fucking once

cyclist

A cyclist on Southsea seafront has given his clearest indication yet that he might just might use the massive cycle lane, that the entire road was narrowed and reconstructed in order to accommodate, just fucking once. “I’d rather hold up the traffic on the road or have near misses with people, children and dogs on […]

Posh blokes to hunt dogs with foxes

hunting dogs with foxes

Posh blokes on horses have reportedly been spending a last few affectionate hours with their hounds following the failure of a government bill to re-legalise hunting foxes with dogs meaning the only loophole now available is to hunt dogs with foxes. A spokesman for the countryside alliance said “I’ve tried bondage but it just didn’t […]

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