Vegans to take a month off

vegans month off

Vegans are planning to take a month off in order to take stock, realign their life goals and eat ham, according to a statement issued today by the vegan society.

Jeremy Hunt “Parents to perform appendectomies”

Jeremy Hunt appendectomies

Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt. Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a […]

New strain of scurvy resistant to oranges and lemons

scurvy

Scientists have warned today that a new strain of scurvy which may be resistant to oranges and lemons is on the rise. The vitamin industry has come under fire after repeated calls to invent new vitamins have been ignored. A spokesman for the British Medical Association said “We’ve been a little bit too reliant on […]

Vacuous celebrity’s book can stop you being fat

vacuous celebrity diet book

A vacuous celebrity has published a book that can stop you being fat and it is available at all good book shops. The book which follows hot on the heels of the success of another book, by another celebrity, who also wished to use their experience of being on a television show or something to […]

New planet to “Fuck off back to its own solar system”

planet 9 fuck off

Newly discovered Planet 9 can fuck off back to its own solar system and stop enjoying a free orbit around our sun according to right wing astronomers. “I’ve just taught my kids the solar system, dutifully missing out Pluto now that isn’t a planet any more. I thought I was doing the right thing. And […]

Heterosexual couple demand to be marginalised

heterosexual civil partnerships

A heterosexual couple have today demanded that they be in some way marginalised from society despite being white, heterosexual and middle class, and have demanded exactly the same rights as gay people had before they were allowed to get married. Charles Keidan and Rebecca Steinfeld spoke of their fury at being categorically denied access to […]

Fury as Osborne family win lottery jackpot

george osborne lottery

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has refused to confirm or deny that either he or a member of his close family scooped a lottery jackpot of almost £30 million yesterday. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Osborne denied that the win would change him. “It’s not that much really. And anyway it’s not […]

Hunt “No GP call outs for monkeys jumping on the bed”

jeremy hunt monkeys

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed today to press on with cuts to the NHS that would virtually eliminate funds for GPs to carry out home visits where they strongly advise monkeys to desist from jumping on the bed. Speaking on the Marr show, Mr Hunt said “Obviously we expect Doctors to turn up at […]

“Last chance to catch gonorrhoea” warn scientists

gonnorrhoea

Sexually promiscuous people trying to pick up a dose of gonorrhoea have been urged to get on with it, whilst it can still be cured in the event that they decide afterwards that they don’t actually like it and want to get better. A spokesman for the Department of Health told us “Right now we […]

Government to sort out flooding with austerity measures

austerity measure flooding

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has confirmed today that the Government will sort out all the recent flooding by way of a series of harsh cuts in public spending. Speaking to people in the north of England via the television, where he was being interviewed in a nice dry government building in a city […]

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