Britain overrun with poisonous spiders

venomous spiders in britain

Britain not only now has highly poisonous spiders but is actually overrun with them to a level approaching plague proportions according to a new study released today. The unsubstantiated report from an unnamed source states “They don’t seem to be biting people just yet and hardly anyone has seen them but that doesn’t mean that […]

Government to decriminalise middle class drug use

Lines of cocaine at a weekend party

The Government has strongly hinted that recreational drug use may soon be legal on the strict proviso that the drugs used are middle class drugs or at a push working class drugs that are being used by the middle classes. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Prime Minister David Cameron said “We can’t just […]

Islamic State’s Christmas tips

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Hi all, my name is  Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and you may know me as leader of rapidly growing jihad mongers Islamic State, What you may not realise is that when we’re not beheading people in the name of jihad we like nothing more that a good knees up. And what better time to let your […]

Doctors warn of outbreak of S club 7

s club fucking 7

The British Medical Association have warned of an imminent outbreak of S club 7 set to threaten the entire United Kingdom and any foreigners who accidentally tune into British TV. Symptoms include nausea, anxiety and severe mood swings, often causing violent attacks on laptops, radios and any other infected electrical items. In rare cases sufferers […]

Clocks not to go back in Hampshire

clocks go back

Hampshire County Council have confirmed that the county will not be joining the rest of Britain in moving the clocks back this evening. A spokesman for HCC told us that the practice was in many ways outdated and it was hoped that other County Councils would follow suit at some point over the next few […]

Hunt to tackle ebola with cuts and privatisation

jeremy hunt ebola

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed to tackle the threat of an ebola epidemic in Britain through a series of stringent cuts, pay freezes and gradual privatisation of the Health Service. Speaking on the set of the Andrew Marr show and ignoring the fact that neither Marr nor any camera crew were present Mr Hunt […]

UEA students urged to poo in shower

poo in shower

University students are being urged to poo in the shower in order to save water as part of a new campaign launched by students Debs Torr and Chris Dobson, from the University of East Anglia (UEA) in Norwich. The Shit, Shower and Save (water) campaign is due to begin shortly on campus where they want the […]

Britain braces itself for heaviest snow on record

heaviest snow on record

Britain is bracing itself for the heaviest snow on record which when it happens is thought to be likely to cover Britain in a 3-4 metre blanket of snow, which it is thought will then take up to several months to thaw. Veteran TV weatherman Michael Fish who has seen, predicted and been complicit in […]

New Hearing Aid designed to cut out unwanted shouty Scotsmen

chris steele hearing aids

Can’t hear the television for Alex Salmonds? Avoiding social situations for fear of Gordon Browns? Missing the punchlines of jokes because of Alistair Darling? Fortunately help could be at hand as Swiss hearing aid manufacturer Phonak have announced the general release of a new hearing aid that improves speech intelligibility by cutting out unwanted shouty […]

“Please stay and relive your student days through us” freshers beg parents

freshers

Brand new students have come together as one to beg parents who haven’t left yet after dropping them off at their respective university towns and show no signs of doing so, that they should all stay indefinitely in order to relive their own student days through their offspring. “I want every experience I have to […]

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