Participants in Dry January start queueing up for their award

queue

Participants in the celebrity endorsed social media advertised Dry January have already begun to form an orderly queue in order to collect their award. The award is rumoured to be a ‘fucking medal’ as many temporary non-drinkers claim to have been asked if they would like one of these. A spokesman for the National Association […]

Prince Charles “Everyone should stick a crystal up their arse”

prince charles crystal arse

Prince Charles has confirmed that on becoming King he will pass a law that everyone must embrace alternative therapies, beginning with inserting a crystal up their arse. Hitting back at “scientists”, who have criticised his unnerving support for alternative therapies, the Prince, also known as the Duke of Woo, said that the conventional medical world […]

Jeremy Hunt must have camera inserted in his arse say Doctors

jeremy hunt camera arse

Jeremy Hunt must have a camera inserted into his anal passage as a matter of urgency according to Doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals. A spokesman for St Mary’s hospital Paddington said “We can confirm that we will be sending out an ambulance to pick up Mr Hunt with a mind to bringing him to […]

Katie Hopkins to be turned into theme park

katie hopkins theme park

Former Apprentice contestant and twitter troll Katie Hopkins is set to be transformed into a theme park according to ambitious new plans which received planning permission this morning. Situated at the top of the Dover cliffs the park is likely to include white only knuckle rides A spokesman for Dover Council said the attraction could […]

Bloke on Motorway makes New year’s resolution to try indicating just fucking once

bad driver

A motorway driver has today made a new years resolution for 2015 to try actually indicating just fucking once before moving from lane to lane without contemplating the possibility of anyone else on the road. Ronald Shitbucket who drives his MPV mainly at week-ends told us that he was looking forward to starting the new […]

People to start saying Jimmy Hill again

jimmy hill

A Government think tank has today predicted that people are going to start saying Jimmy Hill to each other again on occasions that they doubt the validity of what has just been described to them. The terminology which may be subject to regional variations such as saying itchy chin or Jimmy reckon is thought likely […]

Supermarkets urge public to stop whinging on about their filthy chickens

chicken

Supermarkets throughout Britain are urging the public to stop whinging on about their filthy chickens and get on with the serious business of panic buying all sorts of shit in time for the festive bank holiday later in December. A spokesman for the National Association of Supermarkets explained “We could spend money on non-filthy chickens […]

Couple fined for bad review of fat man’s arse

fat man's arse

A couple have been fined £100 by a Blackpool hotel for leaving a bad review after they were denied accommodation within the hotel itself and told they had instead been booked to stay in a fat man’s arse. Tony and Jan Jenkinson posted the negative comment on Trip advisor after being unimpressed with the one […]

Calls to ban Antiques Roadshow as Hugh Skully says c*nt

antiques roadshow

The BBC have refused to confirm or deny whether they will be axing the long running television show Antiques road show after footage has emerged of presenter Hugh Skully quite clearly calling one of the exhibits brought in by a member of the public a c*nt. Unbroadcast footage shows a lady speaking to Arthur Negus […]

Britain overrun with poisonous spiders

venomous spiders in britain

Britain not only now has highly poisonous spiders but is actually overrun with them to a level approaching plague proportions according to a new study released today. The unsubstantiated report from an unnamed source states “They don’t seem to be biting people just yet and hardly anyone has seen them but that doesn’t mean that […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 409 other followers