Government to make sick children do P.E

sick children made to do sports

The Government will be forcing unwell children to do competitive sports as part of their ‘make people do things that they’re not up to’ drive. Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “They’re faking it. Having temperatures and saying achoo a lot doesn’t mean that they can’t spend two hours a week running around […]

Cameron “Britain must sell its own Grandmothers”

cameron magna carta

Britain must sell its own Grandmothers to whichever corporation either offers the best price or has Tory party donors on its board of directors according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking at an event celebrating 800 years of the Magna Carta the Prime Minister explained that whilst such a policy was not proposed in 1215, […]

Government pass law making it illegal not to be conservative

fucking osborne

George Osborne has confirmed today that he will be passing a law banning any future Governments not being Conservative. Speaking ahead of his annual Mansion House speech on Wednesday, George Osborne outlined his plans to ensure future governments “act like a bit of a git” even when there is no evidence based reason for doing […]

Government to bring back National Service

national service

Grass roots conservative campaigners have hailed the Government’s announcement to bring back National service as a victory for common sense, one that will finally herald a welcome return to how things used to be. The news comes after the Conservatives failed to pass a law to “String them all up” blaming meddling from Europe and […]

Queen urges legal high binge before law changes

queens speech

The Queen has urged all subjects to have a proper binge on legal highs before they are made illegal in her speech today. Speaking on the first day of parliament her majesty said “My Government will ban anything that looks like a drug, sounds like a drug or smells like a drug with the obvious […]

No foreigners to vote in referendum on multiculturalism

eu referendum

Foreigners are to be excluded from the forthcoming referendum on whether the United Kingdom wishes to remain part of Europe, which might result in more of that multiculturalism, according to David Cameron this morning. “We can’t have someone who is European born and has been working here and paying taxes for twenty years casting votes […]

Osborne “We can increase productivity if everyone wears a helmet”

osborne helmets

Britain is likely to increase productivity if everyone stands around wearing some sort of helmet and high visibility jacket, whether they have a job or not, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Himself wearing a safety helmet and proudly nowhere near the vicinity of any building site, the Chancellor took time out from […]

“Calm down dear” Cameron tells Sturgeon

cameron sturgeon marriage

David Cameron has today asked Nicola Sturgeon to “calm down dear” and not to get her knickers in a twist following demands for more fiscal powers for Scotland made by the SNP at a meeting held today. According to sources present the Premier who earlier told reporters that he was off on a hot date […]

New cabinet thinly veiled front for Dalek invasion

conservative dalek invasion

David Cameron’s new cabinet is merely a front for a Dalek invasion designed to destroy the word and everything in it according to according to former Doctor Who Christopher Eccleston. Speaking to John Humphreys on his Today Programme Mr Eccleston said “You don’t get to be Doctor Who for a whole series without noticing when […]

Non-voters celebrate really sticking it to the man

non voters

Non voters have spent the week-end celebrating the fact that they really stuck it to the man by not voting and thus let him know that they were disillusioned with the whole system. One such non-voter told us “I looked through the list of candidates, and none were in touch with me, and what I […]

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