Russell brand tells people not to vote again

brand miliband

Russell Brand has changed his mind and appealed to the public not to vote. Speaking eloquently through the medium of the English language Mr Brand said “I revert forthwith to my original stance. Forsooth I mistook the emotions I experienced after meeting Ed Miliband for a desire to vote for him and persuade my less […]

Farage fury at Left Wing town criers

town crier

Nigel Farage has spoken today of his fury at left wing town criers who, despite not being around very much these days, are most likely pursuing some sort of Guardianista agenda and need to be banned. Speaking to a heaving press conference sadly populated by left wing journalists who were probably hand picked by the […]

David Cameron seen leaving Jim Davidson’s house

david cameron jim davidson

David Cameron has reportedly been seen leaving Jim Davidson’s house sparking rumours that he may be wooing the support of the popular comedian. The support of the veteran comedian whose popularity means that he regularly fills provincial town halls and civic centres, holds such power amongst middle England that a thumbs up from him could […]

UKIP fury at plans to make St Paul’s cathedral half mosque

St Pauls half mosque

Nigel Farage has promised that a UKIP Government will reverse the recent decision to make St Paul’s cathedral half mosque, following plans that deem it to be a mosque 50% of the time and an Anglican church the other 50%. Speaking from outside St Pauls an angry Mr Farage said “It doesn’t look like a […]

Boris offers free drugs to all voters

boris free drugs

The General Election took an unexpected turn this morning when aspiring Conservative leader Boris Johnson told all floating voters that a vote for his party would mean free drugs. Speaking this morning on the Andrew Marr show where he was vying with Labour Leader Ed Miliband for the best vote winning policies Mr Johnson said […]

HSBC to move to country where it can do what the fuck it likes

hsbc

HSBC are considering moving to a different country where it can do whatever the fuck it likes, as opposed to being more regulated, having to pay more tax and exhibit evidence of some sort of social conscience. The move follows plans announced in the budget to increase the bank levy. A spokesman for the bank […]

Babylon Zoo come out in support of Lib Dems

babylon zoo

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has welcomed the party’s latest celebrity endorsement in the form of the bloke out of 1990s super band Babylon Zoo who has come out of apparent obscurity to swear his full allegiance. Speaking from the Lib Dem tour bus, the star told a packed crowd “I had a hit once, […]

SNP have “Big plans for the home counties”

nicola sturgeon home counties

The SNP have “Big plans for the Home Counties” and are fully prepared to discuss non-Scottish things with non-Scottish people should they hold the balance of power following the General Election on May 7th. SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon told a press conference that should she find herself as Deputy Prime Minister she would immerse herself […]

Miliband to legalise kicking your boss up the arse

Ed Miliband kick bos up the arse

A Labour Government will put legislation into place to enable all workers to occasionally kick their boss up the arse without any risk of being fired or incurring criminal charges according to leader Ed Miliband. Speaking on the Marr show the shadow Prime Minister said “We still need to make difficult decisions in terms of […]

Farage “If I don’t get elected at Thanet I’ll eat a paella”

farage paella

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has vowed to the British public that should he not win the Thanet parliamentary seat he will eat a paella. Launching the party’s manifesto, Mr Farage said “It’ll be a huge paella and not one of those microwave ones from Asda neither. This will be a proper Spanish one with snails […]

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