No foreigners to vote in referendum on multiculturalism

eu referendum

Foreigners are to be excluded from the forthcoming referendum on whether the United Kingdom wishes to remain part of Europe, which might result in more of that multiculturalism, according to David Cameron this morning. “We can’t have someone who is European born and has been working here and paying taxes for twenty years casting votes […]

Osborne “We can increase productivity if everyone wears a helmet”

osborne helmets

Britain is likely to increase productivity if everyone stands around wearing some sort of helmet and high visibility jacket, whether they have a job or not, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Himself wearing a safety helmet and proudly nowhere near the vicinity of any building site, the Chancellor took time out from […]

“Calm down dear” Cameron tells Sturgeon

cameron sturgeon marriage

David Cameron has today asked Nicola Sturgeon to “calm down dear” and not to get her knickers in a twist following demands for more fiscal powers for Scotland made by the SNP at a meeting held today. According to sources present the Premier who earlier told reporters that he was off on a hot date […]

New cabinet thinly veiled front for Dalek invasion

conservative dalek invasion

David Cameron’s new cabinet is merely a front for a Dalek invasion designed to destroy the word and everything in it according to according to former Doctor Who Christopher Eccleston. Speaking to John Humphreys on his Today Programme Mr Eccleston said “You don’t get to be Doctor Who for a whole series without noticing when […]

Non-voters celebrate really sticking it to the man

non voters

Non voters have spent the week-end celebrating the fact that they really stuck it to the man by not voting and thus let him know that they were disillusioned with the whole system. One such non-voter told us “I looked through the list of candidates, and none were in touch with me, and what I […]

Barry Chuckle to compete against brother Paul for Labour leadership

chuckle brothers

Barry Chuckle has this morning denied rumours of any sibling animosity  following the news that he will be running against his  brother Paul in the forthcoming labour leadership battle. One Labour insider told us “Paul Chuckle is furious. Over and above entertaining generations of children with the same joke he has never hidden his naked […]

Conservative voters confident they won’t ever get ill

conservative voters healthy

Conservative voters are looking forward to the next 5 years of a Conservative Government, confident that they themselves will never get ill and as a result won’t be affected by the inevitable demise of the NHS. One voter we spoke to trying to get a last GP check up in told us “I don’t want […]

Conservatives to bring 1980s cabinet back from beyond the grave

1980s government

Prime Minister David Cameron is understood to be bringing back the 1980s Conservative cabinet from beyond the grave using a combination of medical science and voodoo according to Downing street insiders. Former Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said “They’ve been trying to do this for the last five years. Up until now we’ve been able […]

Cameron prepares for his last poo at Number 10

cameron's last poo

David Cameron is preparing for what may be his very last poo at number 10 should he be forced out of his Prime Ministerial job and home by Ed Miliband after tomorrow’s general election. According to Downing Street insiders the long tradition of new Prime Ministers having to ‘give it ten minutes’ due to the […]

Conservatives hoping everyone forgets about Iain Duncan Smith

iain Duncan Smith

The Conservatives are hoping that everyone forgets about Iain Duncan Smith until at least Friday according to a secret report leaked this afternoon by Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg. Speaking to John Humphreys on the today programme Mr Clegg said “I’m not one for tittle tattle but I was told in private that the Tories […]

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