Landlords must evict clowns from properties

clowns

Landlords will be directly responsible for recently much maligned clown houses according to new legislation announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron. The legislation stipulates that Landlords must assess all their tenants for clown type tendencies and Mr Cameron warned that repeat offenders would risk prosecution and even imprisonment. Whilst no-one wants to live next […]

Cameron to authorise moat between Dover and Calais

cameron calais

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised to build a moat between Dover and Calais in an attempt to stop illegal immigrants and asylum seekers literally walking over the border. Speaking to a heaving press conference the Prime Minister said “The situation in Calais is not acceptable and it is absolutely this government’s priority to deal […]

MPs to reduce use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% by 2018

Lord Sewel drugs and prostitutes

MPs are to face tough new targets to reduce their use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking to Andrew Neil on the television Mr Osborne said that the Government would be taking these targets seriously and would fully expect use of both to slow down slightly […]

“Ooh no don’t shift left” say career politicians

Labour-leadership

Career politicians throughout the Labour Party have come together en masse to say “Ooh no! Don’t shift left. Think about us and our important careers. What if we don’t get elected? What if we do get elected and have to promise to feed everyone or something? This nonsense has to stop.” Former Leadership favourite until […]

Earth 2.0 “might have Jeremy Corbyn as Prime Minister”

earth 2.0

A newly discovered planet, thought to mirror Earth in many ways, may have Jeremy Corbyn as a Prime minister according to experts studying the planet today. Nasa’s science chief John Grunsfeld said “If life on Kepler-452b has advanced in the same way as on earth, then the chances are that there will be human like […]

Labour to shit on the poor compassionately and fairly

images

Acting Labour Leader Harriet Harman has promised that despite a minor rebellion from do-gooders, Labour will now concentrate on taking a monumental shit on all poor people, albeit compassionately and fairly. Speaking to a heaving press conference the hapless interim said “We must listen to the voters and defecate on poor people from a great […]

Mr Potato elected Lib Dem leader

mr potato

The ill fated Lib Dems are widely reported to have turned a corner this afternoon following the announcement that fictional potato based cartoon character Mr Potato is to take over as leader. Though like Nicola Sturgeon, not actually an MP, the popular Euro-spud is widely predicted to shake the party up by doing some things […]

Cameron “Dead People are getting a free ride”

cameron and duncan smith

Dead people will no longer be able to simply lie underground or float around in the form of minute particles dispersed throughout the atmosphere without putting their hands in their pockets, according to a joint statement made today by Prime Minister David Cameron and Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. Speaking in unison to […]

SNP demand vote on 1976 Eurovision song contest

sturgeon

Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has described legislation that stops Scottish MPs voting retrospectively on the winning act in the 1976 Eurovision Song Contest as “Unacceptable”. Incensed that the winning song, ‘Save all your kisses for me’ by Brotherhood of Man, was seemingly pushed through without any consultation of Scottish MPs Ms Sturgeon said: “You […]

Public Sector to receive loans not wages

osborne budget speech

Public Sector workers will be required to pay back any remuneration they have received during their employment as part of George Osborne’s loans not wages policy announced during his emergency budget speech today. Addressing parliament and flanked by a smiling Iain Duncan Smith the Chancellor said “We’ve stopped financial assistance for students from poorer families […]

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