All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

scotsmen free valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband. It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt […]

Cameron “Independent Scotland will be like planet of the apes”

independent scotland planet of the apes

An independent Scotland will resemble the planet of the apes after a few generations away from Westminster rule according to predictions from a leading London think tank. Speaking in Aberdeen this afternoon, Prime Minister David Cameron said the report should serve as a stark warning to those who feel Scotland should go it alone. “After […]

Drugs prices to go up after a Yes vote

alex salmond drugs prices

  A spokesman for the National Association of Dealers has warned that retail prices for recreational drugs could go up in the event of a yes vote. “Up until now, any time we want to bring a big bag of dirty rugs into the country we just stick them in the back of a Ford […]

Westminster offer Scotland gift of fire

fire bagpipes

Westminster have outlined plans today to offer Scotland the gift of fire in the event of a no vote. In what is seen as part of a cynical last ditch attempt to persuade Scotland to remain part of the United Kingdom, Gordon brown was brought out of retirement to offer Scottish voters not only some […]

“It’s all gone too far” as Salmond hints at move to No camp

alex salmond wicker man

In his strongest hint yet at a move to the No camp, SNP leader Alex Salmond has told a heaving press conference that he sees himself very much as a floating voter. “I have to be honest. This was all supposed to be a protest vote against a very temporary Conservative led coalition, which would […]

Schools to arrange pupils in height order

pupils in height order

Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has dismissed claims that the Government is planning to oblige Secondary schools to arrange pupils in height order, so each pupil can be taught in an environment where their classmates are roughly the same size. “Do I look like Michael Gove in a dress? We’re not changing anything. Nothing at all. […]

Theresa May “Police must top up their wages with bribes”

bribery

Police officers will be expected to top up their wages with bribes for ‘drawing a blind eye’, according to Home Secretary Theresa May, as the Government announce plans to reduce the starting salary of a Police Constable by 20%. Speaking at press conference this morning, the Home Secretary told us “On a recent trip to […]

More MPs predicted to quit as scientists find cure for conservatism

cure for conservatism

Scientists have this morning confirmed that the most recent outbreak of conservatism may soon be under control. Dr Bertram Onions of GlaxoSmithKline told us that initial trials on members of parliament had proved promising and the drug was now ready to be administered to all MPs exhibiting symptoms of the debilitating condition. “We know sooner […]

Ban on Brits returning from holiday homes in France

brit in france

British people who have second homes in France may have to just stay there, according to new legislation announced today by the Government. In a move that is seen by some as pandering to potential UKIP voters, those who own second homes in France are to be targeted for their reputation for coming back into […]

Shock as right wing bigot leaves established bigot party for more wobbly eyed lot

douglas carswell

The political landscape has once again been altered beyond recognition after news that right wing backbencher Douglas Carswell MP has decided to leave the established long standing right wing, low income intolerant, bigoty, borderline racist, Conservative party, and instead embrace the proper all out wobbly eyed mad as a box of frogs lot. In an […]

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