Cameron urges poor people to stop it

cameron poor people

David Cameron has today delivered a once in a generation speech to the nation in which he urged poor people to stop being poor right now and making everyone feel guilty. Speaking at the finale of the Conservative party conference the Prime Minister said “I’m going to end poverty once and for all with this […]

Short people to be excluded from living wage

U.K. Government's Business And Energy Minister Matt Hancock Interview

Workers who measure in at under 5ft 6″ in height are not “productive” enough to warrant being paid the new National Living Wage and as a result shouldn’t get it, according to Government Minister Matthew Hancock. Speaking at the Conservative Party conference Mr Hancock said “Everyone knows that short people are less likely to change […]

Osborne “We are the party of the night”

conservatives party of the night

George Osborne has confirmed today that all future Government meetings will be held during the night, with Ministers retreating to darkened rooms to sleep in the day time. The news will not surprise many journalists who have inexplicably found it impossible to arrange press conferences in the daytime, unless indoors with no windows, for some […]

Zac Goldsmith to give his butler day to day Mayoral duties

zac goldmith butler

Conservative mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith will hand over many of his day to day mayoral duties to his butler whilst he himself engages in such activities as eating canapés, drinking champagne and fart-arsing around on his yacht, should he win the election in May 2016. Speaking to a selection of constituents at the opening of […]

Applause as Osborne ends epidemic of children having lunch

osborne free school meals

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has silenced his critics and won widespread adoration from the public today on setting out his plans to end the epidemic of every single child having lunch at school. Speaking to a wildly cheering crowd Mr Osborne assured well wishers that the Government would face the ‘everyone having 3 […]

Sun outrage as Corbyn refuses to vote on X Factor

corbyn xfactor

Popular newspaper The Sun has called for newly appointed Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn to be strung up by his curlies following revelations that he will not be voting on, discussing or even watching X Factor. Today’s edition of the paper said “One minute he’s refusing to doff his cap to the Queen. Now he’s refusing […]

“Labour will bring back analogue TV” warns Cameron

analogue tv

A Jeremy Corbyn led Labour Government will bring back analogue TV, returning Britain to a world where you change channels with a dial whilst someone else arses about with the aerial trying in vain to get a decent picture, according to stark warnings from David Cameron. In an impassioned speech the Prime Minister warned that […]

Corbyn to tax saying ‘yah’

corbyn ok yah

Jeremy Corbyn will pass legislation that requires people to pay ten pounds every time they say yah, should he get into power. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Corbyn said “We’re mainly concerned with people in the city. Everyone will need to register their details and £10 will be debited from their account every […]

Burnham stages armed coup of Labour leadership

andy burnham

Andy Burnham has reportedly staged an armed coup of the Labour leadership, surrounding himself with trigger happy henchmen and claiming total control and leadership of the Labour party, according to news just in. In a televised message Mr Burnham said “I warned you I would do or say anything to get into power. It has […]

Government Trade Union bill to disperse groups of one

protester arrested

A new Government bill could give police powers to disperse groups of one unless they are wearing an arm band, a top hat, and have 14 forms of identification under proposed amendments to trade union laws announced today. Business Secretary Sajid Javid said  ” It’s not enough for these people that we have more job […]


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