UKIP membership to be classed as a disability

ukip membership

UKIP membership can constitute a disability in certain circumstances according to a ruling today by EU’s highest court. The European Court of Justice was asked to consider the case of a rather bigoted English male and UKIP voter who says he was sacked on the ambiguous technicality of being an immense twat, having refused to […]

Benito Mussolini resigns as UKIP candidate

benito

Former fascist dictator of Italy Benito Mussolini has resigned as a UKIP parliamentary candidate following claims that he is dead, ineligible to vote in Britain and allegedly voiced extreme right wing views during his time as Prime Minister of Italy between 1922 and 1943. Lifetime UKIP leader Nigel Farage denied that the party was facing […]

Conservatives to hunt the deficit on horses with dogs

fox hunting tory bastards

David Cameron has pledged to reduce the deficit at all costs even if it means hunting it down on horses with a huge pack of beagles. “We’ll have Christmas day off” he explained “and then on Boxing Day we’ll assemble en masse for a cheeky glass of sherry before riding around the countryside blowing horns […]

UKIP fury at revelations Father Christmas originates from Turkey

farage christmas

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has blamed foreigners for ruining the British institution of Christmas as revelations emerge that the original Santa Claus or Father Christmas, St Nicholas, actually originated from the part of Asia now known as Turkey. Speaking to a hastily assembled press conference an angry Mr Farage said “Flying on an unregistered foreign […]

Osborne announces cuts to pretending to give a shit

osborne cuts to giving a shit

A Conservative only Government will attempt to reduce the deficit by holding back funds previously earmarked for the Department of Half Heartedly Pretending to Give a Shit, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Osborne said “Do you realise how much it costs to tell people […]

Plucky UKIP dog stops immigrant from taking all our jobs

ukip dog

The people of Rochester and Strood have come together to show their appreciation for an unlikely four legged hero who single handedly prevented an immigrant from taking all our jobs. Oswald, a red setter, barked at a man who looked like he might well come from somewhere else and this most likely prevented him from […]

Piece of toast to contest labour leadership

toast

Labour Leader Ed Miliband has said that he will fight every step of the way to keep his leadership and stand for Prime Minister in the forthcoming 2015 elections, as news broke that he has been formally challenged to a leadership vote by a slice of toast. One Labour insider told us “It was just […]

Mark Reckless defects back to Conservative Party

mark reckless racist

Conservative MP for Rochester Mark Reckless has announced this evening that he is to defect back to the Conservative Party, having set the record straight, ruffled the feathers of the establishment and rocked the boat. “I’m being blown from one metaphorical borderline racist tree to another like a leaf in the wind” he explained. “But […]

Cameron “Northerners to blame for next recession”

northerners

Every single person from the north of England is responsible for the next recession according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking to Parliament following his return from the G20 summit Mr Cameron said “The last recession was finally brought to an end by us, in a rather heroic fashion if I may say so, by […]

EU restriction on migrant’s benefits leaves UKIP supporters with nothing to talk about

ukip benefits

A European Court of Justice ruling backing Germany’s attempts to restrict unemployed migrants’ rights to welfare has been criticised for leaving UKIP supporters with nothing to talk to each other about. Whilst some UKIPers it is thought have been easily able to make the transition and start talking about other things that might interest them, […]

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