Young people to be painted orange and set to work making chocolate

oompah loompah

Young people will be required to earn any social security benefits they may receive by painting themselves orange and assisting in the production of chocolate on a live-in basis, according to strict new measures announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron. “We have to end this entitlement culture. And young people are going to have […]

Government to roll fat people down hills

fat people hill

Obese people could face cuts to their benefits if they do not agree to be rolled down a steep hill, under new plans being outlined by Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith. Mr Duncan Smith has published a report looking at how benefit payments can be linked to claimants’ lifestyles, in […]

Cameron warns “Wealthy Tory donors will take their tax evasion elsewhere”

cameron tax avoidance

Wealthy Tory donors and other assorted friends of the Prime Minister will take their tax evasion elsewhere and fail to contribute to the public coffers in a completely different country unless left alone to do whatever they like, David Cameron has warned today. Speaking at a packed press conference an incensed Mr Cameron said that […]

Ed Miliband to intervene as 99p stores to start charging a pound

ed milband poundland

Labour leader Ed Miliband has promised to intervene in plans for 99p stores to start charging a pound. Speaking to a heaving press conference Mr Miliband said “There’s a cost of living crisis and fat cats putting the price of things up to a quid is just taking the piss. I’ve never been in one […]

“No cuts to your education” Cameron tells Eton pupils

Cameron eton

Prime Minister David Cameron has today assured pupils at Eton, Harrow and Westminster schools that their education will continue to be immune from cuts as long as they continue to have incredibly rich parents. As part of a whistle stop tour of Britain’s top public schools Mr Cameron promised the offspring of his friends that […]

Tens of people join Pro-austerity marches

pro-austerity marches

Literally tens of people have taken part in pro-austerity marches held throughout Europe today. The march which included a mixture of politicians, corporations heads and landed gentry is thought to have sent a clear and decisive message to anti-austerity campaigners to know their place and stop being so silly. One marcher told us that the […]

UKIP to turn Thanet into an “All inclusive”

Thanet

UKIP have vowed that if they get into power they will turn the entire Island of Thanet into an all inclusive resort where where everyone pays in advance and gets served up regular meals of sausage and mash, chicken and chips and watered down beer. UKIP leader and parliamentary candidate for Thanet Nigel Farage said […]

Westminster “No go area for non-arse-hats”

arse-hat westminster

London’s inner city of Westminster has become a no-go area for the majority of British people, unless you happen to be a complete arse-hat, according to the latest report from Fox News. Seen by much of the world as an “arse-hat ghetto” Westminster is thought to be a lawless place where people in suits strut […]

Government to launch inquiry inquiry

inquiry inquiry

The Government have announced plans to launch an inquiry into all Government inquiries in an effort to ascertain why all recent inquiries, especially ones regarding possible criminality of politicians, never seem to end or if they do never come to any logical conclusion. A spokesman for the new inquiry said “All inquiries such as Parliamentary […]

Marijuana to be legalised in Wales

marijuana in wales

The recreational use of Marijuana is to be legalised in Wales as of this summer, according to a spokesman for the Welsh assembly following recent revelations that it does in fact have the authority to pass such legislation. “The USA have done it in some states and not others, and to our knowledge the world […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 411 other followers