May “British people could emigrate to make more room for immigrants”

emigrate

Do you like icebergs? Cacti? Foreign languages?  Paté? Well emigrating may well be the answer according to a new Government think tank who are recommending a drive to lessen net immigration figures, by asking indigenous Brits to move out for a while to make a little more room. Home secretary Theresa May explained “We can’t stop […]

Panic as 42 foot high Julian Assange leaves Ecuadorian embassy

giant julian assange

British authorities are firmly pointing the finger of blame at the Ecuadorian Ambassador this morning after a colossal Julian Assange left the Ecuadorian embassy to begin a rampage across London. Between seven and eight times larger than the one who went in there two years ago, the Wiki-Leaks founder is believed to have been cynically […]

BBC announce new show “Iain Duncan Smith’s BFF”

Iain Duncan Smith's BFF

The BBC have confirmed that from September Iain Duncan Smith will be appearing in a new reality TV series set to find him a Best friend Forever or BFF. In a promotional trailer for the show Mr Duncan Smith tells us: “People think that after a busy day dismantling the welfare state at a greater […]

Conservatives to stick to being posh white blokes

conservative white blokes

The Conservative Party are to stick to being led by posh white blokes with  just the merest smattering of upper middle class totty for a bit of window dressing and of course to make the tea, as part of new moves announced today. Speaking on this morning’s Andrew Marr show prime Minister David Cameron explained […]

Cameron set to nearly criticise Israel

cameron warsi

Prime Minister David Cameron is likely to very nearly, almost, verging on it but then again not quite, criticise the government of  Israel later on today according to political sources. Following the dramatic exit of Baroness Warsi from the cabinet it’s thought that the Premier will finally bite the bullet and mumble something incoherently into […]

UKIP to have annual seance

UKIP seance

The UK Independence Party have today announced that their first annual seance is to be held later on this year. Speaking from outside a meeting held today in Glastonbury, UKIP leader Nigel Farage told us “In order to respect the fact that many of our members have ties to spiritualism, angelic reiki healing and direct […]

Osborne “Lifting people out of poverty will be bad for the economy”

osborne poor people

Labour’s plans to lift poor people above the breadline by working towards a living wage for all have been slammed by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne as bad for the economy and unconducive to growth Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political chat show ‘Afternoon Bollocks’ Mr Osborne explained “It’s all very well someone going out […]

Shock as David Cameron’s Big Society might be bollocks

big society

The political world has been turned on its head this morning following revelations that David Cameron’s “Big Society” might actually have been a load of old bollocks the whole time from its inception to the present day. Bertram Onions from the Royal Society for Things that are Total Bollocks (RSFTTATB) told us “It certainly fulfils […]

Shit no longer a rude word

david cameron shit

The word shit has been downgraded from swearing to merely slang according to new Government measures announced this morning. Speaking to a packed press conference Prime Minister David Cameron said “I can confirm that shit is now a perfectly normal word. Shitty shit. Shit shit shitterty shit. Shit.” The move is seen as yet another […]

Students must adapt and eat grass

students eating grass

Students must offset their dire financial situation by altering their own physiology in order to gain sustenance from eating grass, according to new Government advice issued today. Newly appointed Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has pledged to create a lean mean education system with self sufficient students munching away on grass and hedgerows in lieu of […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 341 other followers