George Osborne “Poor people must give us a kidney”

Osborne kidney

Poor people will be expected to donate a vital organ to cover any welfare payments according to new measures announced by George Osborne today. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch” Mr Osborne told Lorraine Kelly in a pre-conference briefing. We have lazy benefit claimants who are not contributing to society yet feel they […]

Eric B and Rakim defect to UKIP

eric b and rakim

David Cameron has had to endure yet another blow to his credibility this morning as news broke that 1980s rap and DJ duo Eric B and Rakim  have defected to UKIP. Political expert Nick Robinson told us “They actually can’t vote themselves as they come from Long Island, New York and as far as we’re […]

Catholic church fury as Bishop has normal relationship

catholic priest has girlfriend

The RT Reverend Kieran Conry, whose diocese covers Sussex and Surrey, has resigned this week-end after revelations that he had a girlfriend who was of a similar age and entered into a relationship with him under absolutely no coercion. The Catholic Bishop of Arundel and Brighton told reporters that he had brought “shame” on the […]

No 10 offers Scots the power of love

cameron the power of love

David Cameron has confirmed this morning that he will be offering the Scots the power of love in lieu of his pre-referendum devolution pledge. Speaking to members of the press, the Prime Minister explained “We had originally offered the Scottish Parliament greater autonomy in terms of taxation and welfare but it has come to our […]

Daily Mail readers to get own parliament

littlejohn

Daily Mail readers are to get their own parliament as discussions regarding regional devolution progress and following the acceptance that some people live not in a particular geographical location, but in a mythical version of Britain that is only in their head. A spokesman for the Daily Mail has described the move as a victory […]

Britain celebrates as devolution means lots and lots more politicians

celebrations

People across the British Isles have been celebrating throughout the night at news that and English Parliament, a London Parliament, a Cornwall parliament, an East Anglian Parliament and a Manchester Parliament on top of bigger Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish Assemblies mean lots and lots more politicians wittering on incessantly, and troughing it up, all […]

Cameron “Scotland must go to its room”

cameron scotland to its room

Scotland must go to its bedroom and stay there until it’s taken a good hard look at itself and is ready to join the rest of the United Kingdom without being Mr Shouty, according to Prime Minister of England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland, David Cameron “We’ve all had a good jolly. But it all […]

All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

scotsmen free valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband. It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt […]

Cameron “Independent Scotland will be like planet of the apes”

independent scotland planet of the apes

An independent Scotland will resemble the planet of the apes after a few generations away from Westminster rule according to predictions from a leading London think tank. Speaking in Aberdeen this afternoon, Prime Minister David Cameron said the report should serve as a stark warning to those who feel Scotland should go it alone. “After […]

Drugs prices to go up after a Yes vote

alex salmond drugs prices

  A spokesman for the National Association of Dealers has warned that retail prices for recreational drugs could go up in the event of a yes vote. “Up until now, any time we want to bring a big bag of dirty rugs into the country we just stick them in the back of a Ford […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 367 other followers