Commonwealth Games end as Queen sends lions in

queen commonwealth games

The commonwealth games has ended abruptly today with reports that the Queen has used her ancient yet rarely used power to release a pride of hungry lions into the stadium. The Commonwealth Games, previously called the ‘British Commonwealth Games’, before that the ‘Countries Britain has Invaded and Colonised Games’ and before that the ‘See if […]

Prince Charles steps down as royal

prince charles abdicates

Prince Charles has today abdicated from his position as King-in-Waiting following revelations that he sought to influence Government decisions Speaking from outside Buckingham Palace and now known simply as Chas Windsor, the former royal explained “It’s the only decent thing to do really, I’ve overplayed my card and been caught trying to act out a […]

Prince Philip appointed schools inspector

prince philip

David Cameron has announced tough new measures against non-Britishness in schools which will involve a new Ofsted task force headed by the Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference the Prime Minister explained “Segregating pupils and force feeding religious ideology is completely unacceptable in our schools. OK, the school I […]

Prince Charles to become King of Spain

Prince Charles King of Spain

Prince Charles is to take over from King Juan Carlos of Spain who has abdicated today.  A shock to many, the ruling is apparently due to a  recent European directive that went largely unnoticed at the time, where the appointment of new monarchs within the EU will be decided on how long they’ve been endlessly […]

Prince Charles “Putin is just like Arnold out of Different Strokes”

arnold

Relationships between the Kremlin and Buckingham Palace have deteriorated further today after the Prince Charles is widely to believed to have passed comments seemingly accusing the Russian Premier of looking and acting like Arnold out of Different Strokes. The hapless monarch in waiting is said to have voiced his feelings at a recent visit to […]

“You can all come and stay at my house” Queen tells evictees

queen in pub

People living in properties owned by the Crown who have been campaigning against being evicted from their homes have been  told today that they will all be able to shack up at Buckingham Palace at least until they sort themselves out with somewhere else to live. The Crown Estate has confirmed it is proposing the sale […]

“Kneel minions” Prince William tells Australia

Royals Australia

In a surprise change of tack today on the Royal visit to Australia  Prince William has called an end to engaging with people on an informal level and promised a return to general haughtiness and looking down his nose at the public in general. Speaking to a hastily assembled press conference through a megaphone from […]

Queen disappointed that Irish Prime Minister not Bono

oirish president

The Queen is said by Royal sources to be ‘deeply disappointed’ that the President of Ireland who arrived today for a state visit is not actually Bono out of 1980s rock band U2. A palace insider told us “It was just a shock for her. Every time she turned on the TV that Bono was […]

Princess Anne “We must introduce badgers to booze, fags and crack”

Anne

The only humane way to cull badgers is by introducing them to alcohol, cigarettes and crack cocaine according to the Princess Royal. Speaking to BBC One’s Countryfile programme at her Gatcombe Park estate, Princess Anne explained “The trouble with badgers is they live quite a healthy lifestyle. All those root vegetables they scoff mean that […]

Prince Edward announces his retirement

prince edward

Eighth in line to the throne Prince Edward has marked his 50th birthday today with the sad news that he will be retiring from the things that he does, whatever they might be, with immediate effect. Speaking from outside Buckingham Palace, where he was due to celebrate his half century with other royals and fellow […]

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