Olympic medals awarded to fat man as all athletes fail narcotics tests

roland

All Olympic medals are set to be reallocated to a fat man following the news that all athletes have tested positive on a mass retest of samples from 1954 to the present day. A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee said “We have to give these medals to someone. And as it turns out all […]

Putin “We’ll completely understand if Russia loses world cup”

putin blatter

Russian President Vladimir Putin has said that he will completely understand if Russia loses the right to host the 2018 World Cup should some evidence of bribery be uncovered in the current FBI investigation on FIFA. Speaking to a heaving press conference the Mr Putin said “We will of course launch a full investigation into […]

Sepp Blatter “I’ve never even seen a football”

sepp blatter

FIFA president Sepp Blatter has responded robustly to accusations that his role as Godfather of a criminal organisation is actually a front for games of football. Speaking at the opening of FIFA’s congress Mr Blatter said  “I’ve never even seen a football, let alone kicked one. I can promise you I’m too concerned with bribery […]

We’ll never ever post goals on twitter again promise all football fans

football fans

  Football fans have come together to promise the Premier league that they will never ever post goals via vine on twitter again and that they are all jolly sorry that they ever did in the first place. One sorrowful fan  told us  “We know what we have done is wrong and we’re all wracked […]

Fury as tablet ban means Manchester United fans have to watch the football

computers man united

Manchester United fans are said to be livid today at news that an imminent ban on tablet computers at Old Trafford may mean having to watch football for virtually the whole duration of each visit. One furious fan told us “I paid 900 odd quid for my season ticket, well my company did anyway, and […]

Commonwealth Games end as Queen sends lions in

queen commonwealth games

The commonwealth games has ended abruptly today with reports that the Queen has used her ancient yet rarely used power to release a pride of hungry lions into the stadium. The Commonwealth Games, previously called the ‘British Commonwealth Games’, before that the ‘Countries Britain has Invaded and Colonised Games’ and before that the ‘See if […]

England offer a free owl to every fan

rooney

Roy Hodgson has confirmed that he and the entire England squad will be offering all England fans a free owl by way of appeasement for their humiliating defeat to Uruguay in the group stages of the world cup finals. “We all earn a ridiculous amount of money and it’s about time we gave something back […]

England now put their hopes on the tennis

engerland

The English public are pinning their hopes on England to win the tennis at Wimbledon and thus soften the blow of their shattered hopes and dreams in the football. One England fan told us “I’ve painted my house white with a red cross on it, I’ve got so many England flags hanging off my car […]

Paul Flowers set to replace David Moyes as Manchester United Boss

paul flowers

David Moyes is facing the sack in the next 24 hours and is set to be replaced by former Co-operative bank boss, the Reverend Paul Flowers, according to News Toad sources. The outgoing Premier League champions have refused to comment on the widespread reports circulating on Monday afternoon, but News Toad sources suggest Moyes will […]

City of Sheffield cancelled

Sheffield

Chaotic scenes surrounded Sheffield this morning after organisers cancelled the entire city due to a lack of water for runners at it’s annual half marathon. South Yorkshire Police said that they had originally thought of just cancelling the race but later decided that cancellation of the city itself was the best course of action with […]

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