Commonwealth Games end as Queen sends lions in

queen commonwealth games

The commonwealth games has ended abruptly today with reports that the Queen has used her ancient yet rarely used power to release a pride of hungry lions into the stadium. The Commonwealth Games, previously called the ‘British Commonwealth Games’, before that the ‘Countries Britain has Invaded and Colonised Games’ and before that the ‘See if […]

England offer a free owl to every fan

rooney

Roy Hodgson has confirmed that he and the entire England squad will be offering all England fans a free owl by way of appeasement for their humiliating defeat to Uruguay in the group stages of the world cup finals. “We all earn a ridiculous amount of money and it’s about time we gave something back […]

England now put their hopes on the tennis

engerland

The English public are pinning their hopes on England to win the tennis at Wimbledon and thus soften the blow of their shattered hopes and dreams in the football. One England fan told us “I’ve painted my house white with a red cross on it, I’ve got so many England flags hanging off my car […]

Paul Flowers set to replace David Moyes as Manchester United Boss

paul flowers

David Moyes is facing the sack in the next 24 hours and is set to be replaced by former Co-operative bank boss, the Reverend Paul Flowers, according to News Toad sources. The outgoing Premier League champions have refused to comment on the widespread reports circulating on Monday afternoon, but News Toad sources suggest Moyes will […]

City of Sheffield cancelled

Sheffield

Chaotic scenes surrounded Sheffield this morning after organisers cancelled the entire city due to a lack of water for runners at it’s annual half marathon. South Yorkshire Police said that they had originally thought of just cancelling the race but later decided that cancellation of the city itself was the best course of action with […]

Russia to use Olympic snow to make giant gay snowman

gay snowman

Russia has confirmed that it will not be breaking with Olympic tradition and will be marking the end of the Winter Olympics at Sochi by using all the snow to make a giant gay snowman. Russian President Vlamir Putin explained that the snowman would be bigger that the 150 foot gay snowman built at the […]

England beat Monty Don 4-1

monty don

England have proved themselves a force to be reckoned with this evening  having destroyed middle aged celebrity gardener Monty Don with a final score of of 4-1 “I know I lost but I had a lovely time admiring such a well mown lawn so I don’t begrudge the victory.  And you all looked so pleased. […]

Football in turmoil after badgers accused of ‘moving the goalposts’

owen paterson badgers

The fate of the beautiful game over the coming week is hanging in the balance following a statement by Environment secretary Owen Paterson that badgers have been moving the goalposts. “The badgers moved the goalposts. We’re dealing with a wild animal, subject to the vagaries of the weather,disease and breeding patterns, that likes nothing more […]

John McCririck offered new job as a horse

john mccririck

A spokesman for Channel 4 has today asked that the John McCririck age discrimination issue be finally laid to rest as the veteran broadcaster is to continue working for Channel 4 where he will start his new position on Monday, as a horse. Sacked from his previous position of wearing a silly hat, hanging around […]

We must cheer on Andy Murray 24 hours a day through a megaphone

andy murray

The  British public are going to have to follow Andy Murray around 24 hours a day cheering him on through  megaphones if he is to stand a chance of winning this years Wimbledon tournament according to former British number one Timmy Henman. “I’m very confident that he can win but only if everyone cheers him […]

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