UKIP to fill English Channel with crocodiles

crociles UKIP

The United Kingdom Independence Party will fill the English Channel with crocodiles in an effort to combat immigration should they be voted into Government or become part of a coalition. Speaking at a Press Conference UKIP’s MP for Clacton-on-Sea Douglas Carswell said “We’re basically surrounded by a huge moat but it’s still not stopping people […]

Osborne “Benefit claimants to blame for global share slump”

george osborne share crash

Benefit claimants in Britain are 100% to blame for the recent global share slump according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne who has today announced plans to introduce more austerity measures until such time as worldwide share prices stabilise. And then carry on introducing more. “Once again the global economy looks shaky, particularly in […]

Welfare Minister “I’m sorry you caught me being a vile shit”

Lord bastard Freud

Welfare Minister Lord Freud has apologised for being caught out being a vile shit as he gave his true opinions on people with disabilities. Lord Freud has promised that the views expressed that people with disabilities aren’t worth the minimum wage, were voiced under extenuating circumstances. “It was a conference fringe event where I was […]

Reiki Healers and Homeopaths to cover NHS strike

jeremy hunt

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed that medical services throughout the UK will continue unfettered, despite tomorrow’s NHS strike, thanks to an army of Reiki Healers, homeopaths and crystal therapists who are to be brought in to cover. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Hunt assured the public that whilst the replacement service might […]

Fines for parents as schools ban British cutlery at lunchtimes

ban on cutlery

Parents of children in new designated ‘cutlery free schools’ are set to face hefty fines from Local Education Authorities after warnings that the new ban on eating lunch in school canteens using a knife and fork will be strictly enforced. Increasingly being seen as an imperialistic, jingoistic and islamophobic method of eating, knives and forks […]

Britain braces itself for the noisiest winter on record

fish noisy weather

Britain has been warned to brace itself for the noisiest winter on record as longtitudinal waves formed from compressions and rarefactions of air are amplified by the gulf stream. A spokesman for the Met office said “I’ve no idea what temperatures we’re going to experience but whatever weather we do have is definitely going to […]

Salmond “All politicians are bastards except me”

alex salmond bastards

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him. Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and Yes vote monger told us “I’m focussing on people who are in the Better together camp but really even those in the Yes camp are […]

“It’s all gone too far” as Salmond hints at move to No camp

alex salmond wicker man

In his strongest hint yet at a move to the No camp, SNP leader Alex Salmond has told a heaving press conference that he sees himself very much as a floating voter. “I have to be honest. This was all supposed to be a protest vote against a very temporary Conservative led coalition, which would […]

New ridiculously posh lady to pretend to investigate parliamentary abuse

Lord Mayor Fiona Woolf

  Lord Mayor of London Ms Fiona Woolf has vowed to leave not a stone unturned in her pretence of uncovering historical sexual abuse in MPs many of whom she knows socially. “Let me be absolutely clear. The fact that I’ve always worked inside the square mile, am Lord Mayor of London, former president of […]

We’ll never ever post goals on twitter again promise all football fans

football fans

  Football fans have come together to promise the Premier league that they will never ever post goals via vine on twitter again and that they are all jolly sorry that they ever did in the first place. One sorrowful fan  told us  “We know what we have done is wrong and we’re all wracked […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 382 other followers