Matt Le Blanc in last ditch attempt to flog a dead horse

Matt le blanc top gear dead horse

Matt Le Blanc has been called in to co-host Top Gear, in a last ditch attempt to flog a dead horse before finally sending it to the knackers yard. A spokesman for the BBC defending the move said “Unless we get casual racism from a big teethy bloke with curly hair, no-ones interested in cars […]

Jeremy Hunt “Parents to perform appendectomies”

Jeremy Hunt appendectomies

Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt. Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a […]

House of Lords to go on strike

house of fucking lords

Members of the House of Lords have warned in no uncertain terms that they will go on strike unless their payment of £300 a day for turning up at the Houses of Parliament is increased. Millionaire conservative donor Lord Farmer said “No-one wants to go on strike but how can anyone survive on £1500 a […]

Immigration policy to be decided by punch up in Dover

dover riots

MPs are anxiously awaiting the results of the punch up in Dover today in order to finalise British policy on immigration. One Dover local said “I had previously regarded the far right with some amusement and I was planning to ignore them and get on with my day. Now it’s all going to be decided […]

“They’re just a bunch of migrants” says leader of a pack of cunts

cameron pack of cunts

The leader of a monumentally wealthy pack of cunts that have found themselves born into the ruling classes has this morning denounced all Calais refugees as a bunch of migrants. “They’ve been told by that Jeremy Corbyn that they can simply come over here and have free cake.” Mr Cameron explained whilst simultaneously reaching for […]

Britain First to hold next Christian patrol in Syria

britain first christian patrol

Britain First are set to fly out to Syria to preach Christian values and wave British flags about, following the success of their recent Christian patrol in Luton. Leader Paul Golding said that the trip would prove once and for all that his group was committed to defending British values of tolerance and equality, even […]

Vacuous celebrity’s book can stop you being fat

vacuous celebrity diet book

A vacuous celebrity has published a book that can stop you being fat and it is available at all good book shops. The book which follows hot on the heels of the success of another book, by another celebrity, who also wished to use their experience of being on a television show or something to […]

Jimmy Savile waxwork to be removed from Madame Tussauds

jimmy savile

Britain’s most famous waxwork museum, Madame Tussauds, have confirmed this morning that they will be removing their replica of Jimmy Savile following complaints from some members of the public. The decision, which comes after an original plan to keep the wax work on display but stop the controversial recording of “Urgh-ee-Urgh-ee Urgh” that played in […]

Heterosexual couple demand to be marginalised

heterosexual civil partnerships

A heterosexual couple have today demanded that they be in some way marginalised from society despite being white, heterosexual and middle class, and have demanded exactly the same rights as gay people had before they were allowed to get married. Charles Keidan and Rebecca Steinfeld spoke of their fury at being categorically denied access to […]

Murdoch and Hall to have honeymoon in Milton Keynes

murdock Hall Milton Keynes

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch and actress-model Jerry Hall are to have an extended honeymoon in Milton Keynes following their recently announced wedding, planned for later on in the year. One News Corp insider said “They’ve been to every posh restaurant and stayed in every 6 star hotel on the planet. They shit opulence. I think […]

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