Salmond “All politicians are bastards except me”

alex salmond bastards

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him. Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and Yes vote monger told us “I’m focussing on people who are in the Better together camp but really even those in the Yes camp are […]

“It’s all gone too far” as Salmond hints at move to No camp

alex salmond wicker man

In his strongest hint yet at a move to the No camp, SNP leader Alex Salmond has told a heaving press conference that he sees himself very much as a floating voter. “I have to be honest. This was all supposed to be a protest vote against a very temporary Conservative led coalition, which would […]

New ridiculously posh lady to pretend to investigate parliamentary abuse

Lord Mayor Fiona Woolf

  Lord Mayor of London Ms Fiona Woolf has vowed to leave not a stone unturned in her pretence of uncovering historical sexual abuse in MPs many of whom she knows socially. “Let me be absolutely clear. The fact that I’ve always worked inside the square mile, am Lord Mayor of London, former president of […]

We’ll never ever post goals on twitter again promise all football fans

football fans

  Football fans have come together to promise the Premier league that they will never ever post goals via vine on twitter again and that they are all jolly sorry that they ever did in the first place. One sorrowful fan  told us  “We know what we have done is wrong and we’re all wracked […]

Russia sends Ukraine a giant horse as part of aid mission

giant horse

Russian premier Vladimir Putin has today pledged support for an international aid mission in Eastern Ukraine by donating a gargantuan metal horse Speaking on TV channel Russia Today Mr Putin said “Eastern Ukranians have endured a terrible time which is obviously nothing to do with us, but we would like to lift everyone’s spirits a […]

Drinkers urged to follow pints up with chasers

drink

Warnings on alcoholic drinks to remind people to have chasers should be mandatory according to the  All-Party Parliamentary Group on Alcohol Misuse. Speaking from the house of Commons subsidised bar, group chairwoman and Conservative MP Tracey Crouch told us “With food we encourage people to have a balanced diet and consume a wide variety of […]

Salmond “We’ll keep the pound even if it means joining the United Kingdom”

alex salmond's pound

Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond has said that Scotland will keep the pound even if it means joining the United Kingdom to do it. Speaking at a packed press conference Mr Salmond explained “It is Scotland’s pound. It doesn’t belong to George Osborne, it doesn’t belong to Ed Balls. It’s ours and we are keeping […]

Government to have more birds promises Cameron

birds in government

The Government is set to have more women to brighten the place up a bit, according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking on the Marr show the premier explained “We’ve been under fire for not having enough women in cabinet. And that’s obviously because we discuss politics and important men’s business. But if we’re being […]

Eavis tells Glastonbury revellers “you can never leave”

trapped in glastonbury

Michael Eavis has confirmed that he has permanently shut the gates to Glastonbury and will not be reopening them to let people out unless absolutely forced to by the courts. Speaking to middle aged sixth former Jo Whiley live on television Mr Eavis explained. “Did you honestly all think the 35 foot fence was to […]

Piers Morgan “not shitting his pants”

piers morgan not shitting himself

A spokesman for Piers Morgan has confirmed that despite the incarceration of journalist and political strategist Andy Coulson for conspiracy to intercept voice mails, the former Daily Mirror editor come celebrity is not at all shitting his pants. Our source told us “Far from it. His pants are most definitely squeaky clean. I can personally […]

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