Aussie women vote Prince Philip “Sexiest man of the year”

prince philip

The results are in: Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh may be known for his sexist gaffes but it seems the women of Australia are more interested in what the ageing Prince has in his trousers, voting him Sexiest Man of the Year 2015. In a double-win for the geriatric Duke, the results were published only days […]

Eight ways to tell if he’s the one

the one

He might look like the one. He might sound like the one. But is he the one? Is he? Is he the one? Find out with this uncannily accurate scientific test.

Immune system under threat unless you eat stupid yoghurts

probiotic fucking yoghursts

Advertisers have warned that the British public run the risk of having no immune systems left by 2018 unless they start eating yoghurts, but not the normal type that come in black cherry or peach melba, but the special type that have germs in. A man in a white coat in what looked vaguely like […]

Ice Cube to replace Cameron in TV debate

icey cube

Prime Minister David Cameron has been told he may have actually missed the boat in terms of appearing in the forthcoming televised election debates, after finding his assigned podium had apparently been hijacked by rapper Mr Ice Cube who, without warning, stood on it this morning and has showed no signs of moving, even when […]

Fox News employs battery powered talking anus as anchorman

anus fox news

Fox news have employed a talking anus as their new anchorman who is capable of reporting his own unusual brand of news 24 hours a day due to being powered by a car battery. A spokesman for the factually challenged, far right, gun toting, news station told us that the electrically powered talking arse had […]

Blair “Labour should be right wing and start wars”

blair murdoch

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has told Labour Party MPs that they must become a right wing party and promise to start a few wars in order to be successful in this year’s general election. “Labour need to go far more towards the right. In fact more right than the conservative party. That’ll confuse them. […]

2015 to be longest year on record

2015

2015 is likely to be the longest year on record according to experts. A combination of longer days and nights that stay the same length, along with several public events that are set to drag on incessantly will serve to make 2015 7% longer than 2014 in real terms. Whilst the extra length of 2015 […]

Roadside drug tests ineffective if users eat onion

drug test onion

Mandatory roadside drug tests to be introduced in London, Hampshire and greater Manchester have been criticised as a waste of public funds, following the revelation that the tests which take a sample of saliva, are ineffective if the user has recently eaten an onion. The onion which must be eaten raw and in its entirety […]

Co-op bank chiefs urged to start taking drugs again

bring back paul flowers

Co-op bank chiefs have been urged to start taking drugs again following reports that their new policy of narcotic abstinence amongst senior management has caused them to fail a Bank of England stress test. A spokesman for the hapless financial institution told us that regrettably, mistakes had clearly been made. “We’re OK when the economy […]

Cameron “A Labour Government would ruin everything”

Cameron labour ruin everything

A Labour Government would ruin every single thing according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Cameron said “You name it they’d ruin it. Anything that’s good now wouldn’t be once they got their crappy socialist hands on it. Mark my words should they weasel their way back into […]

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