Heath witnesses “None of it happened and everything is all right”

Heath

Members of the public concerned about any possible link between former Prime Minister Edward Heath and any alleged child abuse scandal have had their minds set to rest today as all witnesses concerned have now confirmed that none of it happened and everything is in fact all right. One former witness who had promised to […]

America to launch airstrikes on wild animals

airstrikes

America is to up its game in it’s war against wild animals in Africa and launch a series of air strikes according to a statement from the White House issued this morning. “We’ve had to rely on brave men and women who go out and shoot these animals, armed only with jeeps, high powered assault […]

Iain Duncan Smith to get his own show

Iain Duncan Smith tv show

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith is to get his own show as part of tough new stipulations on the BBC announced today. The Government has denied that it will be directly commissioning programmes but has insisted that certain impartial Government ministers be employed to host a handful of popular shows as a caveat […]

Social housing to have lower ceilings

george osborne

All social housing is set to be refitted with lower ceilings as part of a new Government scheme to fit more people in a block of flats. The ambitious scheme was defended this morning on the Andrew Marr show by George Osborne who explained: “In days of yore people were shorter, mainly due to poor […]

Americans celebrate independence from not being allowed to shoot each other

americans shooting each other

Americans throughout America are today celebrating 240 years of independence from the UK and the subsequent freedoms associated with it, such as eating incredibly shit chocolate and running around shooting each other. One reveller told us “If the UK was still in charge they’d have taken away all our guns. In fact we probably wouldn’t […]

Britain to hold one minute silence for Russell Brand’s career

russellbrand minute silence

Britain is to hold a one minute silence en masse for the demise of Russell Brand’s career following the sad news that it may have drowned in a sea of its own bollocks. Reportedly enjoying itself splashing about in a sea of self indulgent pap, Mr Brand’s career is understood to have been pulled under […]

Donald Trump to headline Glastonbury 2016

trump glastonbury

Glastonbury organisers have denied that the festival is is descending into corporatism following news that wigged up tycoon and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is to headline next year on the main stage. The delighted business magnate told us “There’s no music involved  but people will want to hear my top ten hints for success. After […]

Americans to melt down all their guns and make them into one big gun

americans

Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]

Jeremy Corbyn “We’ll take back all the money and dish it out equally”

corbyn

Labour leadership hopeful Jeremy Corbyn has confirmed that if successful in his bid and subsequently successful in a General Election he will take back all the money in Britain and give it out again so everyone has exactly the same. “It’s like monopoly. It’s all great fun but sooner or later just one person has […]

Top Gear to have bird saying if cars are a nice colour

evans top gear

Top Gear will be departing from it’s misogynistic roots by featuring a bird every week who tells us whether she prefers a pink car or a white car, according to new presenter Chris Evans. “I’ll never get accused of sexism if there’s a bird on it.” He explained cheerfully. Sandy Toksvig who is the bookie’s […]

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