Britain to hold one minute silence for Russell Brand’s career

russellbrand minute silence

Britain is to hold a one minute silence en masse for the demise of Russell Brand’s career following the sad news that it may have drowned in a sea of its own bollocks. Reportedly enjoying itself splashing about in a sea of self indulgent pap, Mr Brand’s career is understood to have been pulled under […]

Donald Trump to headline Glastonbury 2016

trump glastonbury

Glastonbury organisers have denied that the festival is is descending into corporatism following news that wigged up tycoon and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is to headline next year on the main stage. The delighted business magnate told us “There’s no music involved  but people will want to hear my top ten hints for success. After […]

Americans to melt down all their guns and make them into one big gun

americans

Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]

Jeremy Corbyn “We’ll take back all the money and dish it out equally”

corbyn

Labour leadership hopeful Jeremy Corbyn has confirmed that if successful in his bid and subsequently successful in a General Election he will take back all the money in Britain and give it out again so everyone has exactly the same. “It’s like monopoly. It’s all great fun but sooner or later just one person has […]

Top Gear to have bird saying if cars are a nice colour

evans top gear

Top Gear will be departing from it’s misogynistic roots by featuring a bird every week who tells us whether she prefers a pink car or a white car, according to new presenter Chris Evans. “I’ll never get accused of sexism if there’s a bird on it.” He explained cheerfully. Sandy Toksvig who is the bookie’s […]

George Galloway “Everyone must listen to me”

galloway

Former Respect MP and Big Brother contestant George Galloway has said that he will not stop on his political mission until everyone in Britain has stopped whatever else they are doing and is listening to him. Famous for holding a parliamentary seat in Bradford West for half a term and pretending to be a cat […]

Eating this food could add 12 years to your life

healthy food

Scientists are predicting a significant increase in life expectancy for people who eat a certain type of food that when chewed, swallowed and ingested could add up to 12 years to your life. At least. The study is thought to have come from scientific research of a number of people eating different types of food […]

Portsmouth locals fury as Gunwharf to become alcohol free

emirates spinnaker tower

Portsmouth locals have been up in arms following the recent news that the United Arab Emirates airline has demanded popular retail and leisure outlet Gunwharf be made alcohol free as condition of them sponsoring the famous Spinnaker tower. The ban which will include anywhere within a 1/4 mile radius of the tower itself is thought […]

Smiling people to be arrested for use of legal highs

smiling people

People caught smiling, laughing, dancing or exhibiting a cheerful persona are to be arrested on suspicion of use of legal highs as part of the Government’s ‘arrest everyone for everything except alcohol and tobacco’ drive. Prime Minister David Cameron warned anyone of a lower social stature but a suspiciously sunny disposition to expect the full […]

Immigration caused me to grow women’s tits

womens tits

A Conservative/UKIP floating voter has appealed to the Government to do anything in its power to halt immigration for fears that it is causing him to grow women’s tits. Jobless Bert Onions from Burgess Hill told us that he had done very little himself but sit around and eat Iceland pies since the early 1990s, […]

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