Co-op bank chiefs urged to start taking drugs again

bring back paul flowers

Co-op bank chiefs have been urged to start taking drugs again following reports that their new policy of narcotic abstinence amongst senior management has caused them to fail a Bank of England stress test. A spokesman for the hapless financial institution told us that regrettably, mistakes had clearly been made. “We’re OK when the economy […]

Cameron “A Labour Government would ruin everything”

Cameron labour ruin everything

A Labour Government would ruin every single thing according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Cameron said “You name it they’d ruin it. Anything that’s good now wouldn’t be once they got their crappy socialist hands on it. Mark my words should they weasel their way back into […]

Premier foods take another hit as Mr Kipling arrested under operation yewtree

Kipling

Share prices for Premier foods have taken yet another hit this morning at news that the figurehead of one of it’s biggest brands Mr Kipling has been arrested under operation Yew tree. Drawing unsuspecting people in under the premise of “Exceedingly good cakes” the seemingly kindly face of mass produced mediocre pastries belied a more […]

Bicester to become enormous brothel

bicester brothel

Residents of the market town of Bicester are said to be divided over news that it is to be expanded by up to 100%  before being turned into a giant brothel servicing the needs of shifty looking men throughout the home counties. Some locals have hailed the project as one that will put Bicester on […]

Osborne pledges £2 billion to chums he sold the NHS to

NHS cash

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has pledged £2 billion of public money to some of his former schoolmates via the formality of the NHS which he has helped sell to his rich chums. The news released in the middle of the night on Saturday has been heralded by the owners of private healthcare suppliers […]

Reckless in rage as Rochester white van filled with illegal immigrants

rochester strood

Newly appointed UKIP MP Mark Reckless has told of his rage that the now famous Rochester show home and white van rather than being a symbol for working class white Britain were in fact both filled to the brim with illegal immigrants. Foaming at the mouth Mr Reckless bemoaned “The flags and the white van […]

Myleene Klass fury at proposed smug tax

myleene klass smug

Television celebrity Myleen Klass has publicly hit out against Labour leader Ed Miliband over his plans to tax people who are overtly smug about their wealth, success or media attention. As Miliband sought to defend the so-called smug tax as a principled way of raising extra funding for the NHS, Klass said the levy would […]

Osborne negotiates half price Rotisserie chicken

osborne half price chicken

George Osborne has reportedly brokered a 50% discount off a ready cooked chicken in the latest of a string of discounts declared by the Chancellor for and on behalf of the British people. “It’s normally £3.50 for one of these bad boys but I proved my metal today and as my receipt will prove I […]

Alternative rockers to continue to dress exactly the same

alternative rockers

The National Association of Alternative Rockers have confirmed this evening that all members will be continuing to express their individuality from the norm by dressing up identically, sporting the same haircuts, going to the same places and listening to exactly the same playlist in a display of uniformity that would make Kim Jong Un jealous. […]

Ebola case reported in Dorset

ebola dorset

Residents of Dorset and the surrounding counties are being urged today not to panic after a case of the Ebola virus was reported this morning. Bert Onions of Poole who this morning discovered he had the disease immediately called the local branch of Robert Dyas where he was due to work and announced that he […]

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