Government to have more birds promises Cameron

birds in government

The Government is set to have more women to brighten the place up a bit, according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking on the Marr show the premier explained “We’ve been under fire for not having enough women in cabinet. And that’s obviously because we discuss politics and important men’s business. But if we’re being […]

Eavis tells Glastonbury revellers “you can never leave”

trapped in glastonbury

Michael Eavis has confirmed that he has permanently shut the gates to Glastonbury and will not be reopening them to let people out unless absolutely forced to by the courts. Speaking to middle aged sixth former Jo Whiley live on television Mr Eavis explained. “Did you honestly all think the 35 foot fence was to […]

Piers Morgan “not shitting his pants”

piers morgan not shitting himself

A spokesman for Piers Morgan has confirmed that despite the incarceration of journalist and political strategist Andy Coulson for conspiracy to intercept voice mails, the former Daily Mirror editor come celebrity is not at all shitting his pants. Our source told us “Far from it. His pants are most definitely squeaky clean. I can personally […]

Festie goers fury as Boomtown festival bankrolled by Tesco

tesco festivals

Tesco have become the envy of Asda, Morrisons and Aldi as it has emerged that they are bankrolling the Boomtown Fair in Hampshire this year. Intended to provide a much needed injection of cool into the flagging supermarket giant and a much needed injection of chopped and shaped meat derivative products, such as twizzly chicken […]

“Please make your Facebook more interesting” beg Security Services

MI6

UK spy boss Charles Farr has made an impassioned plea to Facebook users to try to make their Facebook profile and status updates more interesting after complaints from his own agents. “We’ve read most of your profiles by now and I’ve got to say Christ what are you people thinking? It’s one thing to bore […]

Britain under threat from fundamentalist caravan owners

caravanners

Home Secretary Theresa May and the Minister for some Shit in a Field Owen Paterson are both said to be blaming each other today as the news broke of a leaked memo warning the Government of hard line caravanning extremists. A Government source told us “People just think they’ve always been there, but they don’t […]

Lib Dems say something or other about some stuff

Nick clegg something or other

A senior member of the Lib Dem party has reportedly said something or other about some stuff over the last few days. The Lib Dem politician who was most likely to be Nick Clegg, Danny Alexander or Vince Cable but could have been one of the others, if there actually are any others, reportedly covered […]

Controversy as all new cars built to face Mecca

cars facing mecca

Far right movements such as the BNP, Britain First and UKIP are considering a joint protest today following a leaked memo that all new cars manufactured in Britain are now designed to face Mecca. A spokesman for the Honda factory in Swindon explained that the change in production had not been universally popular but their […]

Blair “Only history can judge me but not yet”

tony invading blair

Tony Blair has told opportunists to stop using history to judge him as he quite clearly meant history at some point in the future when he said that only history could judge him. Addressing a packed press conference the former Prime Minister explained “Indeed only history can judge me. But I don’t mean recent history […]

Nick Clegg “I’m not resigning but I might grow a moustache”

nick clegg moustache

Deputy Prime Minister and Leader of the Liberal Democrats Nick Clegg has confirmed this morning that whilst he will not be heeding calls to step down from either position, he would be willing to grow a patch of facial hair above the lip in order to revive the fortunes of  the ailing party. The statement […]

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