Immigration caused me to grow women’s tits

womens tits

A Conservative/UKIP floating voter has appealed to the Government to do anything in its power to halt immigration for fears that it is causing him to grow women’s tits. Jobless Bert Onions from Burgess Hill told us that he had done very little himself but sit around and eat Iceland pies since the early 1990s, […]

Great Camerondo to magic 7 day a week NHS without paying for it

great camerondo

Prime Minister David Cameron has become the envy of magic circle heavyweights such as Paul Daniels and David Copperfield after announcing to the British public “I the great Camerondo will magic a seven day a week NHS without paying for it!” “And following that, for your delight and amazement I will recruit 500 extra GPs […]

UNITE back Ed Miliband as next Labour leader

Len McCluskey

UNITE leader Len McCluskey has told union members this morning that they’ll be backing Ed Miliband as new Labour party leader. A surprise for some who were expecting some sort of debate at the forthcoming July conference Mr McCluskey said “I’ve thought long and hard about this and we’re backing Ed all the way. And […]

Farage “I’ll piss off when George Galloway pisses off”

farage galloway

Former and now current UKIP leader Nigel Farage has told the British public that despite promises to the contrary he will not be pissing off out of the limelight, unless former Respect MP George Galloway does. Speaking to a heaving press conference, Mr Farage said “George isn’t pissing off because the people of Bradford west […]

Cameron offers heartfelt thanks to the Scottish people

cameron's last poo

David Cameron has offered his heartfelt thanks to the people of Scotland for tactically voting to keep him in power. Speaking at a heaving conference a gushing and grateful  Mr Cameron said “Not only did you drive Labour out of Scotland, you scared your English cousins with the idea of a labour SNP coalition and […]

Miliband promises more strikes and power cuts

ed miliband strikes

Ed Miliband has promised voters a shift away from new Labour and a return to regular power cuts and frequent industrial action based on the passing whims of shop stewards who just fancy a day in the pub. Having just unveiled the new Labour manifesto Mr Miliband told a heaving press conference  “We need the […]

Green Party to ban competitive sports

Natalie Bennett

A Green Party Government will ban all forms of competitive sports, forcing sports channels on TV to instead show programmes about vegetarian cookery and eco-homes that run on poo. Already hitting the headlines for her promise to crack down on the illegal but widely practised sport of sheep fighting, party leader Natalie Bennett has gone […]

Ridiculous zebra like creatures set to run amok

grand national

In a new craze more perverse than dogging, Britain is reportedly set to watch a parade of zebra like creatures running amok with no particular sense of purpose, whilst being straddled and sporadically whipped by human dwarfs. One insider who wished to remain anonymous told us “I’ve been to these events, it’s like something out […]

Lazy funeral services take 600 years to bury Richard III

richard 3rd

Funeral services have been branded lazy and slapdash following today’s revelations that they are only now burying people that popped their clogs in 1485. The funeral which was originally scheduled for “after lunch” circa the 15th century has come under fire from critics after repeatedly being delayed for “circumstances beyond our control” such as a […]

Rush hour traffic jams “caused by old drivers”

old drivers

A group of retired motorists have today claimed responsibility for a large proportion of rush hour traffic congestion due to deliberately getting up and driving around slowly and erratically between the hours of 7am and 9am despite having no reason to do so. Despite changing the subject and going off track a few times, a […]

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