Miliband promises more strikes and power cuts

ed miliband strikes

Ed Miliband has promised voters a shift away from new Labour and a return to regular power cuts and frequent industrial action based on the passing whims of shop stewards who just fancy a day in the pub. Having just unveiled the new Labour manifesto Mr Miliband told a heaving press conference  “We need the […]

Green Party to ban competitive sports

Natalie Bennett

A Green Party Government will ban all forms of competitive sports, forcing sports channels on TV to instead show programmes about vegetarian cookery and eco-homes that run on poo. Already hitting the headlines for her promise to crack down on the illegal but widely practised sport of sheep fighting, party leader Natalie Bennett has gone […]

Ridiculous zebra like creatures set to run amok

grand national

In a new craze more perverse than dogging, Britain is reportedly set to watch a parade of zebra like creatures running amok with no particular sense of purpose, whilst being straddled and sporadically whipped by human dwarfs. One insider who wished to remain anonymous told us “I’ve been to these events, it’s like something out […]

Lazy funeral services take 600 years to bury Richard III

richard 3rd

Funeral services have been branded lazy and slapdash following today’s revelations that they are only now burying people that popped their clogs in 1485. The funeral which was originally scheduled for “after lunch” circa the 15th century has come under fire from critics after repeatedly being delayed for “circumstances beyond our control” such as a […]

Rush hour traffic jams “caused by old drivers”

old drivers

A group of retired motorists have today claimed responsibility for a large proportion of rush hour traffic congestion due to deliberately getting up and driving around slowly and erratically between the hours of 7am and 9am despite having no reason to do so. Despite changing the subject and going off track a few times, a […]

Some shit, bland formulaic nonsense tipped to win Brit awards

brit awards

Some sort of shit, bland, formulaic, lowest common denominator, factory produced nonsense made for the entertainment of dull people who don’t really understand music has been tipped by the smart money to win tonight’s Brit awards. The Awards which are being broadcast live, today or tomorrow, or possibly yesterday are seen as the British answer […]

Rifkind fury as police refuse to pay for questions

Malcolm Rifkind

Sir Malcolm Rifkind has spoken today of his fury that Police questioning him in his alleged involvement in the latest  cash for questions scandal,  have refused to pay for any questions they have asked him or he has asked them. “Just because they’re police and I may be guilty of a criminal offence, it doesn’t […]

UKIP to “Open door to gay foreigners as they cancel each other out”

Rozanne Duncan UKIP

A spokesman for the UK Independence Party has confirmed that if voted in at the next general election, a UKIP Government using its existing points system would be forced to have an open door for all foreigners if they were gay. “We don’t want anyone foreign or gay in Britain obviously but if an immigrant […]

Daily Telegraph urges readers to have a Pot Noodle

telegraph

The Daily Telegraph has urged readers to go on and have a Pot Noodle as from an impartial point of view it’s fun and it’s convenient whilst still being highly nutritional and a tasty snack. Speaking from an objective editorial point of view in its Sunday edition, a spokesman for the ailing broadsheet explained that […]

Chelsea fans to attend equality workshops

equality workshops

Chelsea football club are to require all fans to attend equality workshops of the type usually arranged for public sector workers and run by someone called Ros according to a statement released today. The newly appointed Director of PC also called Ros told us “We’d like football to be a pillar of political correctness starting […]

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