We’ll never ever post goals on twitter again promise all football fans

football fans

  Football fans have come together to promise the Premier league that they will never ever post goals via vine on twitter again and that they are all jolly sorry that they ever did in the first place. One sorrowful fan  told us  “We know what we have done is wrong and we’re all wracked […]

Russia sends Ukraine a giant horse as part of aid mission

giant horse

Russian premier Vladimir Putin has today pledged support for an international aid mission in Eastern Ukraine by donating a gargantuan metal horse Speaking on TV channel Russia Today Mr Putin said “Eastern Ukranians have endured a terrible time which is obviously nothing to do with us, but we would like to lift everyone’s spirits a […]

Drinkers urged to follow pints up with chasers

drink

Warnings on alcoholic drinks to remind people to have chasers should be mandatory according to the  All-Party Parliamentary Group on Alcohol Misuse. Speaking from the house of Commons subsidised bar, group chairwoman and Conservative MP Tracey Crouch told us “With food we encourage people to have a balanced diet and consume a wide variety of […]

Salmond “We’ll keep the pound even if it means joining the United Kingdom”

alex salmond's pound

Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond has said that Scotland will keep the pound even if it means joining the United Kingdom to do it. Speaking at a packed press conference Mr Salmond explained “It is Scotland’s pound. It doesn’t belong to George Osborne, it doesn’t belong to Ed Balls. It’s ours and we are keeping […]

Government to have more birds promises Cameron

birds in government

The Government is set to have more women to brighten the place up a bit, according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking on the Marr show the premier explained “We’ve been under fire for not having enough women in cabinet. And that’s obviously because we discuss politics and important men’s business. But if we’re being […]

Eavis tells Glastonbury revellers “you can never leave”

trapped in glastonbury

Michael Eavis has confirmed that he has permanently shut the gates to Glastonbury and will not be reopening them to let people out unless absolutely forced to by the courts. Speaking to middle aged sixth former Jo Whiley live on television Mr Eavis explained. “Did you honestly all think the 35 foot fence was to […]

Piers Morgan “not shitting his pants”

piers morgan not shitting himself

A spokesman for Piers Morgan has confirmed that despite the incarceration of journalist and political strategist Andy Coulson for conspiracy to intercept voice mails, the former Daily Mirror editor come celebrity is not at all shitting his pants. Our source told us “Far from it. His pants are most definitely squeaky clean. I can personally […]

Festie goers fury as Boomtown festival bankrolled by Tesco

tesco festivals

Tesco have become the envy of Asda, Morrisons and Aldi as it has emerged that they are bankrolling the Boomtown Fair in Hampshire this year. Intended to provide a much needed injection of cool into the flagging supermarket giant and a much needed injection of chopped and shaped meat derivative products, such as twizzly chicken […]

“Please make your Facebook more interesting” beg Security Services

MI6

UK spy boss Charles Farr has made an impassioned plea to Facebook users to try to make their Facebook profile and status updates more interesting after complaints from his own agents. “We’ve read most of your profiles by now and I’ve got to say Christ what are you people thinking? It’s one thing to bore […]

Britain under threat from fundamentalist caravan owners

caravanners

Home Secretary Theresa May and the Minister for some Shit in a Field Owen Paterson are both said to be blaming each other today as the news broke of a leaked memo warning the Government of hard line caravanning extremists. A Government source told us “People just think they’ve always been there, but they don’t […]

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