Lazy funeral services take 600 years to bury Richard III

richard 3rd

Funeral services have been branded lazy and slapdash following today’s revelations that they are only now burying people that popped their clogs in 1485. The funeral which was originally scheduled for “after lunch” circa the 15th century has come under fire from critics after repeatedly being delayed for “circumstances beyond our control” such as a […]

Rush hour traffic jams “caused by old drivers”

old drivers

A group of retired motorists have today claimed responsibility for a large proportion of rush hour traffic congestion due to deliberately getting up and driving around slowly and erratically between the hours of 7am and 9am despite having no reason to do so. Despite changing the subject and going off track a few times, a […]

Some shit, bland formulaic nonsense tipped to win Brit awards

brit awards

Some sort of shit, bland, formulaic, lowest common denominator, factory produced nonsense made for the entertainment of dull people who don’t really understand music has been tipped by the smart money to win tonight’s Brit awards. The Awards which are being broadcast live, today or tomorrow, or possibly yesterday are seen as the British answer […]

Rifkind fury as police refuse to pay for questions

Malcolm Rifkind

Sir Malcolm Rifkind has spoken today of his fury that Police questioning him in his alleged involvement in the latest  cash for questions scandal,  have refused to pay for any questions they have asked him or he has asked them. “Just because they’re police and I may be guilty of a criminal offence, it doesn’t […]

UKIP to “Open door to gay foreigners as they cancel each other out”

Rozanne Duncan UKIP

A spokesman for the UK Independence Party has confirmed that if voted in at the next general election, a UKIP Government using its existing points system would be forced to have an open door for all foreigners if they were gay. “We don’t want anyone foreign or gay in Britain obviously but if an immigrant […]

Daily Telegraph urges readers to have a Pot Noodle


The Daily Telegraph has urged readers to go on and have a Pot Noodle as from an impartial point of view it’s fun and it’s convenient whilst still being highly nutritional and a tasty snack. Speaking from an objective editorial point of view in its Sunday edition, a spokesman for the ailing broadsheet explained that […]

Chelsea fans to attend equality workshops

equality workshops

Chelsea football club are to require all fans to attend equality workshops of the type usually arranged for public sector workers and run by someone called Ros according to a statement released today. The newly appointed Director of PC also called Ros told us “We’d like football to be a pillar of political correctness starting […]

Senior Conservatives “not at all shitting it” at Swiss bank raid

tory grandees

David Cameron has confirmed that senior Tories, cabinet ministers and party donors are not at all shitting it over today’s raids on the Geneva subsidiary of HSBC bank. “You can rest assured that neither this nor any future raids are going to turn up any sort of impropriety whatsoever. And if anyone we know just […]

Tax evading tycoon having a wank in a big pile of money

Paul Bloomfield

Tax evading tycoon Paul Bloomfield is said to be having a wank in a big pile of money this morning at news that HMRC are unable to sting him for a penny of his £60 million plus fortune. Speaking candidly via his diamond encrustred cellphone and giving an explanation peppered with intermittent groaning the contribution […]

Merkel anger as Greece does moonlight flit


German Chancellor Angela Merkel is said to be incensed today following reports that the entire Greek islands have disappeared over night without leaving a forwarding address. According to neighbours Turkey, some rustling and “shhh” sounds were heard from across across the border, smattered with occasional giggling, but reports on when the country actually disappeared vary. […]


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