Allah chuffed to bits with all the jihading

jihadists

Celestial being Allah has gone on record to say that he’s chuffed to bits with all the jihading and has promised a special push to ensure every jihadist has plenty of ethereal virgins for their pleasure once they step into his virtual reality afterlife. In a rare interview the popular deity urged aspiring jihadists to […]

Americans to melt down all their guns and make them into one big gun

americans

Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]

Swiss Family Robinson cross Syrian Border

swiss family robinson isis

1960’s TV desert island castaways the Swiss Family Robinson are understood to have crossed the border in to Syria, in an alarming trend of fictional characters from the west leaving their relatively safe plot lines to join Islamic State. One expert told us that whilst the reasons for their trip were largely unknown he was […]

Australian couple to divorce over incorrect use of apostrophe’s

apostrophe's

An Australian couple has vowed to divorce “as a matter of conscience” unless societies across the English speaking world, reverse their apparent relaxed attitude to incorrect placement of apostrophes. Speaking to a heaving press conference married couple and grammar purist’s Nick and Sarah Jensen told us “We walked past a car supermarket which advertised Ford’s, […]

Putin “We’ll completely understand if Russia loses world cup”

putin blatter

Russian President Vladimir Putin has said that he will completely understand if Russia loses the right to host the 2018 World Cup should some evidence of bribery be uncovered in the current FBI investigation on FIFA. Speaking to a heaving press conference the Mr Putin said “We will of course launch a full investigation into […]

Revealed! Morrissey’s secret processed meat wonderland.

morrissey processed meat

Former Smiths front man Morrissey is said to be unavailable for comment following revelations that his LA mansion actually hides a private theme park dedicated to all forms of processed meat. Former Smiths bandmate Johnny Marr told us “Publicly he’s been a vegetarian for many years. Privately he loves a Big Mac or a chopped […]

Islamic State suspected as Kanye and Kim go missing

Kim and Kanye

Islamic State have refused to confirm or deny that they are responsible for the sudden disappearance of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as concern grows for their whereabouts, neither having appeared on any form of media for a matter of hours. One eye witness told us “I saw two people bundled into a car by […]

Boney M banned from Russia

boney m

Members of the 1970s band Boney M have been told that they will face a travel ban on any future trips to Russia should they be planning such a thing according to information released this morning. The band are reportedly on a list of almost a hundred public figures all banned from Russia which includes […]

Sepp Blatter “I’ve never even seen a football”

sepp blatter

FIFA president Sepp Blatter has responded robustly to accusations that his role as Godfather of a criminal organisation is actually a front for games of football. Speaking at the opening of FIFA’s congress Mr Blatter said  “I’ve never even seen a football, let alone kicked one. I can promise you I’m too concerned with bribery […]

Clinton to ban guns if elected as president

clinton guns

Former First Lady and now presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton has vowed to outlaw possession of all firearms throughout America, the moment she begins her term as President Speaking to a packed press conference Mrs Clinton said “We have 40 times as many gun deaths per head of population than Britain where it is illegal to […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 435 other followers