Clinton to ban guns if elected as president

clinton guns

Former First Lady and now presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton has vowed to outlaw possession of all firearms throughout America, the moment she begins her term as President Speaking to a packed press conference Mrs Clinton said “We have 40 times as many gun deaths per head of population than Britain where it is illegal to […]

Britain First to defend Falklands

Britain First

Britain First are set to travel to the Falkland Islands to help defend against any threat from Argentina, according to Defence secretary Philip Hammond, who today unveiled a series of measures to bolster the British armed forces without spending any money. Speaking to a heaving press conference Mr Hammond said “They’ve got uniforms, they like […]

Clarkson offered Top Gear Job in Argentina

clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson is thought to be seriously considering a job in South America after a petition signed by almost 500,000 people, all Argentinians, has asked for him to go over and present his unique blend of jingoistic banter and motoring information over there. President of Argentina and self confessed Anglophile Cristina Fernández de Kirchner said […]

Eurovision viewers urged to start drinking now

eurovision

Anticipated spectators of 2015’s Eurovision song contest due to be held in Vienna in May have been urged by experts to start drinking alcohol immediately and in great quantities, in order to survive the relentless battering of absolute bollocks to the auditory cortex, which is widely tipped to be the worst since 1976. The move […]

Boko Haram swear allegiance to 808 State

boko haram

Nigerian militant group Boko Haram has pledged allegiance to 1990s electronic music band 808 State , according to an audio statement released this morning. The message, which has not been verified, was posted on Boko Haram’s Twitter account and is believed to be by the group’s leader, Abubakar Shekau who said: “We pledge to enhance […]

Clouds on Mars could mean alien invasion

mars swirling clouds

Swirling clouds spotted on Mars could mean some sort of invasion of earth by some sort of alien race, scientists admitted today. A spokesman from Jodrell Bank Observatory told us “We thought Mars did not have an atmosphere, but now it has clouds it clearly does. Or maybe it doesn’t. And that might be even […]

Australia to enter Eurovision with “Beds are burning”

eurovision

Australian band Midnight Oil are already being tipped as likely winners of the Eurovision song contest 2015 with their song “Beds are burning” Though this will be the first time the country have entered the competition due to it being in completely the wrong continent, the show has a long tradition of being broadcast in […]

Putin “Peppa pig to blame for Ukraine crisis”

peppa pig

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin has today laid the blame of the Ukraine crisis very firmly at the doors of the cartoon character Peppa Pig. In his toughest rhetoric yet on the matter Mr Putin said “Nobody wants peace more than I do. But whilst a family of talking cartoon pigs live in a house on […]

America to ban imports of dog eggs

dog eggs

America is set to ban the import of the British delicacy of dog eggs amidst apparent concerns about the ingredients according to reports released today via International press agency Reuters. The move is set to anger ex pats and American anglophiles already reeling from the bans on Chocolate, fois gras, and Newcastle Brown Ale, and […]

Tens of people join Pro-austerity marches

pro-austerity marches

Literally tens of people have taken part in pro-austerity marches held throughout Europe today. The march which included a mixture of politicians, corporations heads and landed gentry is thought to have sent a clear and decisive message to anti-austerity campaigners to know their place and stop being so silly. One marcher told us that the […]

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