Fury at EU plans to spend Britain’s £1.7 billion on world’s largest baguette

baguette

Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be furious at plans to spend some or all the recent EU demand for an extra £1.7 billion on a record breaking giant baguette. Speaking angrily and pointing his finger Mr Cameron said “We’re fed up of subsidising euro things. Last time it was a giant paella, the […]

UKIP Calypso song reaches number one in Jamaica

Mike read calypso

The UKIP Calypso song has reached number one in Jamaica, Trinidad and Barbados leaving critics of UKIP red faced following accusations of racism. The song is written and sung by former Saturday Superstore presenter Mike Read who told us “I’m white. But I’ve made myself sound like a black man. Not one of those new […]

UKIP fury as immigrants flood in from Dolaria

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UKIP’s only MP, Douglas Carswell, has told of his fury that the first week of his term has been marred by a sudden and unexpected influx of immigrants from the country of Dolaria, which is situated between Bulgaria, Romania and Spain. A spokesman for the foreign office explained “Romanians and Bulgarians did not arrive in […]

Kim Jong-un wins at hide and seek

kim jong-un hide and seek

Pyongyang have hailed none other than the supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un, as the winner of what has been described as the worlds largest game of hide and seek. Seen by many as an orchestrated display of sabre rattling, the portly despot has shown the world that he is […]

Dull people get excited by George Clooney’s stupid wedding

clooney's stupid fucking wedding

Dull people who cling desperately to the perceived life of celebrities in order to mask the blandness of their own uneventful lives, have begun a three day television vigil in order to ensure they don’t miss a minute of George Clooney’s stupid fucking attention seeking wedding. Clooney, who is best known for playing Joey in […]

Atos declare Kim Jong Un fit for work

atos kim jong un

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un will need to pull his finger out and get back to public engagements according to healthcare assessment company ATOS who have declared the portly despot fit for work. A spokesman for ATOS said “We have reason to believe that despite his protests to the contrary he’s perfectly fit and […]

Abu Qatada boards plane back to Britain

abu qatada plane

Radical muslim cleric Abu Qatada  is in the process of boarding a plane after a not guilty verdict in Jordan means that he is free to carry on his life back in Britain. Thought to be flying first class at the Home Office’s expense sources close to Mr Qatada say that he is looking forward […]

New Hearing Aid designed to cut out unwanted shouty Scotsmen

chris steele hearing aids

Can’t hear the television for Alex Salmonds? Avoiding social situations for fear of Gordon Browns? Missing the punchlines of jokes because of Alistair Darling? Fortunately help could be at hand as Swiss hearing aid manufacturer Phonak have announced the general release of a new hearing aid that improves speech intelligibility by cutting out unwanted shouty […]

All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

scotsmen free valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband. It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt […]

Salmond “All politicians are bastards except me”

alex salmond bastards

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him. Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and Yes vote monger told us “I’m focussing on people who are in the Better together camp but really even those in the Yes camp are […]

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