Putin promises G20 environmentally friendly Ukraine invasion

putin envirnmental invasion

Viewed as an olive branch to ease tensions between himself and other world leaders, Russia’s President Vladimir Putin has today pledged to make his invasion of Ukraine greener and more ecologically sound. Mr Putin admonished the other leaders attending the G20 in Brisbane for avoiding such a serious issue. “The rest of you are putting […]

Jihadists to be quarantined on the Isle of Wight and forced to watch Strictly Come Dancing

david cameron jihad

British jihadists who travel abroad to fight will have their UK citizenship partially revoked, restricting their access to the Isle of Wight, where they will be forced to spend an indefinite period of time watching every episode of Strictly Come Dancing as part of tough new measures announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron. “It’s […]

Fifa report clears Ernst Stavro Blofield of all impropriety

blofield

Ernst Stavro Blofield, head of international organisation SPECTRE has been cleared of all impropriety in a report released yesterday by Fifa. Provoking a very mixed response, the report also cleared the entire organisation of any wrongdoing along with a huge man with metal teeth and another with a top hat, make up and an evil […]

“I will stick my finger up your arse” Merkel tells Cameron

merkel cameron finger arse

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has told David Cameron in no uncertain terms that whether the UK remains in the EU or not she will exercise her right to stick her index finger up his arse, most probably when he least expects it. “Whether Britain leaves the EU or not I have my index finger primed […]

Putin wins interim Eurovision song contest

putin eurovision

Russian President Vladimir Putin has won an interim Eurovision song contest. Whilst the Premier has yet to be congratulated officially by other world leaders for his success, he has sent himself congratulations on behalf of Poland, Estonia and Sweden. Held behind closed doors it is reported that Putin sung a very catchy song about himself […]

Kate Bush to run for U.S presidency

kate bush

Kate Bush has confirmed that she will be running for United States presidency in 2016 in what is seen to be a new chapter in the Bush family political dynasty and could also mean the first ever female president. For many the choice may seem odd, Ms Bush having enjoyed a singing career in Britain […]

Fury at EU plans to spend Britain’s £1.7 billion on world’s largest baguette

baguette

Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be furious at plans to spend some or all the recent EU demand for an extra £1.7 billion on a record breaking giant baguette. Speaking angrily and pointing his finger Mr Cameron said “We’re fed up of subsidising euro things. Last time it was a giant paella, the […]

UKIP Calypso song reaches number one in Jamaica

Mike read calypso

The UKIP Calypso song has reached number one in Jamaica, Trinidad and Barbados leaving critics of UKIP red faced following accusations of racism. The song is written and sung by former Saturday Superstore presenter Mike Read who told us “I’m white. But I’ve made myself sound like a black man. Not one of those new […]

UKIP fury as immigrants flood in from Dolaria

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UKIP’s only MP, Douglas Carswell, has told of his fury that the first week of his term has been marred by a sudden and unexpected influx of immigrants from the country of Dolaria, which is situated between Bulgaria, Romania and Spain. A spokesman for the foreign office explained “Romanians and Bulgarians did not arrive in […]

Kim Jong-un wins at hide and seek

kim jong-un hide and seek

Pyongyang have hailed none other than the supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un, as the winner of what has been described as the worlds largest game of hide and seek. Seen by many as an orchestrated display of sabre rattling, the portly despot has shown the world that he is […]

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