Britain to bomb all venomous snakes

bombing snakes

Britain is to bomb all countries that have venomous snakes in order to stop them biting people once and for all according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking to a a packed press conference outside a COBRA meeting the premier said “We’re only going to be bombing countries that have these dangerous serpents. It’s the […]

George Bush Senior “My son didn’t blow up enough of the middle east”

george bushes

George Bush Senior, the 41st President of the United States, has lambasted his son in his new biography which complains that George W Bush Junior only spent a mere half to three quarters of his presidency bombing the absolute fuck out of the middle east. “If he’d just gotten himself out of bed and started […]

VW cars run off the tears of dying baby seals

vw baby seals

Volkswagen have been forced to admit that rather than using petrol or diesel their cars in fact run off the tears of dying baby seals, torn from their natural habitat by its ecological destruction, again caused by Volkswagen cars. The firm’s board will talk to regulators about the consequences of its discovery, the firm said […]

Australia in social turmoil as lack of British knighthoods gives them nothing to aspire to

australian knighthoods

Australians throughout Australia are thought to have spent the day largely sitting around in their underpants drinking tinnies, following revelations that none of them are now going to be knights or dames even if they pull their fingers out and don’t spend the day sitting around in their underpants drinking tinnies. One Australian, who had […]

Vatican announce Pride march

vatican pride march

The Vatican is to organise it’s own Gay Pride march later this year as part of the Catholic church’s new policy of inclusivity and celebrating diversity. Speaking to a supportive congregation, Pope Francis said “Historically we like our priests to be sexually repressed and frustrated because they don’t have sex with the opposite sex rather […]

Catholic church warns God to stop making gays

pope gay

The Catholic church have asked God to ruddy well pull his socks up and stop making gays, as the synod on family issues opens this morning. A spokesman for the Vatican said that God was being irresponsible and according to the esteemed book of Leviticus would risk being severely punished by himself. “If he insists […]

Native Americans celebrate as Trump vows to kick out immigrants

Native Americans Trump

Native Americans are celebrating today following Republican leadership hopeful Donald Trump’s assurances that should he become President then all immigrants and descendants of immigrants including himself will be sent back to their own countries. Mr Trump, full name Donald Trumpety-Trump said “Who do you trust to kick out all immigrants including myself. Trump! And you […]

Nestle and Coca-Cola fight over who owns Martian water

Mars water

Representatives of Nestlé and Coca-Cola are at loggerheads today as both laid claim to all the water apparently found on Mars, each arguing that they had bagsied it first. Nestlé chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe said “Now Mars has been shown to have water then it could conceivably sustain primitive subaquatic life forms. And if these basic fish […]

Blatter to continue to run FIFA from prison

sepp blatter prison

Sepp Blatter will continue to run FIFA from prison should he be found guilty according to sources close to the cash snaffling football boss. A spokesman for the hapless front for a sporting organisation said that Mr Blatter would not be the first head of an organisation to be prosecuted for criminal mismanagement, and still […]

Putin and Elton to meet “just as friends”

elton and putin not a date

A meeting to be held in the near future between Vladimir Putin and Elton John is “absolutely not a date” according to a statement from the Kremlin which has confirmed that the pair will be meeting up just as friends. “It is just a man suggesting meeting up with another man to discuss manly things […]


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