Britain to trial America’s successful gun laws

gun laws

Britain is to trial making gun ownership legal following its resounding success in America and the many convincing arguments from republicans that this  freedom to bear arms thing is actually very good idea. Prime Minister David Cameron said “You might think our cousins from over the pond are psychopathic buffoons with their insistence on keeping […]

Mark Steele “We should stop selling towels to Germany”

mark steele

Hi I’m Mark Steele. I’m a cheeky young lefty chappy in his fifties. I was just reading about Spanish authorities charging Germans for leaving their towels on sun loungers over night. And I thought to myself, this is our fault. More to the point it’s Thatcher’s. Ok everyone knows that the Germans annexe every bit […]

Vegemite “just shit marmite”

vegemite shit marmite

Australia are rubbish at cricket and Vegemite is just shit Marmite according to Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. Speaking to a heaving press conference the controversial Premier said “It’s time we faced a number of  facts regarding our national icons. Koala bears smell and they poo everywhere. And vegemite is simply awful. We’ve been banging […]

Cameron to authorise moat between Dover and Calais

cameron calais

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised to build a moat between Dover and Calais in an attempt to stop illegal immigrants and asylum seekers literally walking over the border. Speaking to a heaving press conference the Prime Minister said “The situation in Calais is not acceptable and it is absolutely this government’s priority to deal […]

Germany considers Greece’s proposal to shove their debt up their arse

greek prime minister

Eurozone finance ministers are thought to be seriously considering Greece’s proposal that, rather than discuss a new bail out, they actually take the whole debt and shove it up their arse. The proposal comes following a widely publicised referendum where they Greek people chose rectally depositing their debt as opposed to the other two options […]

Allah chuffed to bits with all the jihading

jihadists

Celestial being Allah has gone on record to say that he’s chuffed to bits with all the jihading and has promised a special push to ensure every jihadist has plenty of ethereal virgins for their pleasure once they step into his virtual reality afterlife. In a rare interview the popular deity urged aspiring jihadists to […]

Americans to melt down all their guns and make them into one big gun

americans

Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]

Swiss Family Robinson cross Syrian Border

swiss family robinson isis

1960’s TV desert island castaways the Swiss Family Robinson are understood to have crossed the border in to Syria, in an alarming trend of fictional characters from the west leaving their relatively safe plot lines to join Islamic State. One expert told us that whilst the reasons for their trip were largely unknown he was […]

Australian couple to divorce over incorrect use of apostrophe’s

apostrophe's

An Australian couple has vowed to divorce “as a matter of conscience” unless societies across the English speaking world, reverse their apparent relaxed attitude to incorrect placement of apostrophes. Speaking to a heaving press conference married couple and grammar purist’s Nick and Sarah Jensen told us “We walked past a car supermarket which advertised Ford’s, […]

Putin “We’ll completely understand if Russia loses world cup”

putin blatter

Russian President Vladimir Putin has said that he will completely understand if Russia loses the right to host the 2018 World Cup should some evidence of bribery be uncovered in the current FBI investigation on FIFA. Speaking to a heaving press conference the Mr Putin said “We will of course launch a full investigation into […]

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