New Hearing Aid designed to cut out unwanted shouty Scotsmen

chris steele hearing aids

Can’t hear the television for Alex Salmonds? Avoiding social situations for fear of Gordon Browns? Missing the punchlines of jokes because of Alistair Darling? Fortunately help could be at hand as Swiss hearing aid manufacturer Phonak have announced the general release of a new hearing aid that improves speech intelligibility by cutting out unwanted shouty […]

All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

scotsmen free valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband. It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt […]

Salmond “All politicians are bastards except me”

alex salmond bastards

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him. Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and Yes vote monger told us “I’m focussing on people who are in the Better together camp but really even those in the Yes camp are […]

Westminster offer Scotland gift of fire

fire bagpipes

Westminster have outlined plans today to offer Scotland the gift of fire in the event of a no vote. In what is seen as part of a cynical last ditch attempt to persuade Scotland to remain part of the United Kingdom, Gordon brown was brought out of retirement to offer Scottish voters not only some […]

“It’s all gone too far” as Salmond hints at move to No camp

alex salmond wicker man

In his strongest hint yet at a move to the No camp, SNP leader Alex Salmond has told a heaving press conference that he sees himself very much as a floating voter. “I have to be honest. This was all supposed to be a protest vote against a very temporary Conservative led coalition, which would […]

Cee Lo Green pleads with fans to stop shoving things up his arse

cee lo green

Rapper Cee Lo Green has made a heartfelt plea to fans, non fans and the public in general to cease and desist from the recent craze of shoving inanimate objects up his arse. The  rapper best known for singing  ‘crazy’ made the announcement via twitter, facebook and telepathy from his room in a private hospital where […]

Ban on Brits returning from holiday homes in France

brit in france

British people who have second homes in France may have to just stay there, according to new legislation announced today by the Government. In a move that is seen by some as pandering to potential UKIP voters, those who own second homes in France are to be targeted for their reputation for coming back into […]

Islamic state space hopper attack imminent

space hopper jihad

  A covert attack on Britain from terrorist cell Islamic State is likely to involve the use of 1970s Space Hoppers, according to intelligence sources. “Space Hoppers are such an intrinsic part of British culture that an entire army of jihadists could bounce into a city centre without people raising so much as an eye […]

America hails new drug to cure atheists

omniprezole

American scientists have hailed a breakthrough in medical science with a drug that finally cures atheism. The drug named Omniprezole is said to be so effective that it is to be made available immediately without any further clinical trials. Politician and pro-omniprezole campaigner Sarah Palin told us “It’s a nightmare trying to start wars and […]

Fox news blames humans for alien invasion

sean hannity

Fox News Anchorman Sean Hannity has today caused further controversy by blaming the human race for any future attack by aliens. “Any invasion is likely to be by aliens that already inhabit a number of different planets and have a far superior arsenal of weapons. And should we be attacked by an alien race wishing […]

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