Catholic church warns God to stop making gays

pope gay

The Catholic church have asked God to ruddy well pull his socks up and stop making gays, as the synod on family issues opens this morning. A spokesman for the Vatican said that God was being irresponsible and according to the esteemed book of Leviticus would risk being severely punished by himself. “If he insists […]

Native Americans celebrate as Trump vows to kick out immigrants

Native Americans Trump

Native Americans are celebrating today following Republican leadership hopeful Donald Trump’s assurances that should he become President then all immigrants and descendants of immigrants including himself will be sent back to their own countries. Mr Trump, full name Donald Trumpety-Trump said “Who do you trust to kick out all immigrants including myself. Trump! And you […]

Nestle and Coca-Cola fight over who owns Martian water

Mars water

Representatives of Nestlé and Coca-Cola are at loggerheads today as both laid claim to all the water apparently found on Mars, each arguing that they had bagsied it first. Nestlé chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe said “Now Mars has been shown to have water then it could conceivably sustain primitive subaquatic life forms. And if these basic fish […]

Blatter to continue to run FIFA from prison

sepp blatter prison

Sepp Blatter will continue to run FIFA from prison should he be found guilty according to sources close to the cash snaffling football boss. A spokesman for the hapless front for a sporting organisation said that Mr Blatter would not be the first head of an organisation to be prosecuted for criminal mismanagement, and still […]

Putin and Elton to meet “just as friends”

elton and putin not a date

A meeting to be held in the near future between Vladimir Putin and Elton John is “absolutely not a date” according to a statement from the Kremlin which has confirmed that the pair will be meeting up just as friends. “It is just a man suggesting meeting up with another man to discuss manly things […]

Pope relaxes Catholic rules on felching

pope felching

Pope Francis has unveiled reforms intended to relax formerly strict Catholic rules on felching in a speech made today. Speaking to a heaving press conference outside the Vatican, his Holiness said “We don’t want to alienate half our flock who may at some time have had cause to engage in felching, perhaps through no fault […]

Sarah Palin warns immigrants to speak the language of earlier immigrants

sarah palin

All immigrants in America must speak American, but not native American, according to former Governor of Alaska, and anti-recent immigration politician, Sarah Palin. Speaking to a large gathering of people waving flags and chanting ‘USA!’, Mrs Palin said “If you want to be in America, let’s speak American. None of that indigenous American from before […]

Britain to trial America’s successful gun laws

gun laws

Britain is to trial making gun ownership legal following its resounding success in America and the many convincing arguments from republicans that this  freedom to bear arms thing is actually very good idea. Prime Minister David Cameron said “You might think our cousins from over the pond are psychopathic buffoons with their insistence on keeping […]

Mark Steele “We should stop selling towels to Germany”

mark steele

Hi I’m Mark Steele. I’m a cheeky young lefty chappy in his fifties. I was just reading about Spanish authorities charging Germans for leaving their towels on sun loungers over night. And I thought to myself, this is our fault. More to the point it’s Thatcher’s. Ok everyone knows that the Germans annexe every bit […]

Vegemite “just shit marmite”

vegemite shit marmite

Australia are rubbish at cricket and Vegemite is just shit Marmite according to Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. Speaking to a heaving press conference the controversial Premier said “It’s time we faced a number of  facts regarding our national icons. Koala bears smell and they poo everywhere. And vegemite is simply awful. We’ve been banging […]


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