Bloke having crisis on Facebook found enjoying himself in pub

man in pub

A man having an apparent crisis on Facebook has been found safe and sound, not upset at all and enjoying a pint in his local.

“Promise our wages won’t go up” British workers implore May

british workers

British workers have asked Prime Minister Theresa May for cast iron guarantees that their wages will carry on falling, and to ensure that they don’t have enough money to pay bills and get ideas above their station.

“Someone should have warned us about a recession” say Brexiters

ian duncan smith brexit

Furious Brexiters are criticising economists and credit agencies today for not warning them that stepping out of the largest free market in the world would somehow cause a clusterfuck of a recession.

Red people should piss off back to their own country

red people

Britain is being overrun by bright red people with peely skin, who should piss off back to their own country, according to foreign secretary Boris Johnson.

Surrey residents prepare to vote in labour leadership elections

surrey residents

Much of the population of Surrey are preparing to vote in the labour leadership elections following revelations that there is a £25 charge to keep the riff raff out.

Leadsom “Male zoo keepers will just try to shag the animals”

Andrea godbothering leadsom

Zoos should only employ female zoo keepers, as the male ones would only try to shag the animals, according to former Prime Ministerial candidate Andrea Leadsom. “I’m only saying what we all know. Would you leave a man in charge of your zebra? Not if you don’t want him to be up to his nuts […]

“No cure for Hunt” warn Doctors

doctors cure for hunt

Modern medicine as we know it has been infected by a severe case of Jeremy Fucking Hunt which is proving resistant to all known treatments Doctors have warned today.

New cabinet to meet at night

theresa may philip hammond

Theresa May’s new cabinet are to hold their meetings in the middle of the night, when most of the British public are tucked up safe and sound, according to sources close to the new Prime Minister.

Theresa May “I’m the big change you all wanted”

theresa may prime minister

Prime Minister in waiting Theresa May has congratulated the electorate for really sticking it to the man with the recent EU referendum with a warming message to the public. “I’m the fruit of your endeavours. I’m the big change you wanted.

Portsmouth park to become shrine to Margaret Thatcher

thatcher statue

A park in the centre of Portsmouth is to become a shrine to former Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher including a 30 foot statue surrounded by right wing topiary.

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