Pope is ‘just lazy’

Pope Benedict XVI has resigned, saying that at his age he cannot carry out all his tasks adequately and is losing strength in body and mind. However, information from those closest to him suggests that he just can’t be arsed.

A Vatican insider told us “This comes as no surprise to us. On numerous occasions people would be waiting for him to take Mass, and we would then find him in his room just sitting around in his pants. Then at bed time we would ask him if he had cleaned his teeth. The answer would always be yes but then you’d check the toothpaste tube and it would be un-opened and the tooth brush bone dry. We’re not even sure if he had ever actually read the bible. We think he might have been winging it.”

Another old friend from Benedicts Hitler Youth days told us “He was just the same back in the old days. He’d just go round saying ‘Seig’ all the time because he couldn’t be bothered to say ‘heil’. And he was the only one of us who managed to goose step whilst sitting down.”

This is the first time such an event has happened for 600 years. Pope Gregory XII, the last pope to resign, stepped down amid the Great Western Schism in 1415. According to available evidence, it appears that he was also incredibly idle and had to be suspended from a winch to give his sermons as he steadfastly refused to stand up under any circumstances.

Archbishop of Canterbury the Most Reverend Justin Welby has expressed his astonishment at the Pope’s decision. “He really needs to pull his finger out” he told us.

Pope Benedict has said he will cease his papal duties immediately, and will have his stuff out of the Vatican by next week. Or maybe the week after. But definitely before March. Or April.