David Moyes “Women should stop getting their knickers in a twist”

Women should stop getting their knickers in a twist and make everyone a cup of tea according to Sunderland boss David Moyes.

Fury as athletes on drugs should be running faster

Athletes on drugs should really be running at 40 mph and should be able to jump nearly as high as a house, according to a report by the International Olympic Committee.

Murray “may be allowed to be English”

Prime Minister Theresa May has given her clearest indication yet that she may allow Andy Murray his life long dream of being English.

Portsmouth and Southampton to share football team

Portsmouth and Southampton will only need one football team once the new Solent authority comes into force according to Portsmouth City Council leader Donna Jones.

Lineker presents MOTD whilst taking a shit

Gary Lineker kept his promise and introduced the opening Match of the Day of the new season whilst taking a shit.

Armchair pundit called Gavin announced as new England Manager

Plucked from obscurity in a surprise move by the FA, Gavin Watson is set to become a household name after being announced as the replacement for Roy Hodgson who resigned last night.

Putin “I had nothing to do with the football violence or the invasion of Ukraine”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has confirmed today that he had absolutely nothing to do with the recent football violence in France and nothing to do with the invasion of Ukraine either.

Ravers angrily deny doping claims

Ravers from the late eighties through to the late nineties have reacted furiously to accusations that they used illegal drugs in order to award themselves with the title of having had the “best night ever” The revelations have caused upset amongst non drug using ravers who spent night out after night out dancing away to […]

Blatter to continue to run FIFA from prison

Sepp Blatter will continue to run FIFA from prison should he be found guilty according to sources close to the cash snaffling football boss. A spokesman for the hapless front for a sporting organisation said that Mr Blatter would not be the first head of an organisation to be prosecuted for criminal mismanagement, and still […]

Olympic medals awarded to fat man as all athletes fail narcotics tests

All Olympic medals are set to be reallocated to a fat man following the news that all athletes have tested positive on a mass retest of samples from 1954 to the present day. A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee said “We have to give these medals to someone. And as it turns out all […]