Mass school brawl probably over conkers or scrumping

mass-school-brawl-conkers

Secretary of State for Education Justine Greening has told critics that the recent mass brawl involving 100 school pupils in Northumberland Heath was probably due to lack of conkers due to the late autumn or perhaps someone scrumping more than their fair share of apples from nearby farms and gardens.

Cameron to start new life as a farmer

cameron-farmer

Former Prime Minister David Cameron is to start a new career as a farmer, following his resignation as an MP today.

Parents fury as son sent home from school for Oompa-Loompa attire

oompa-loompa-attire

Angry parents have today slammed the decision of their son’s headmaster to send him home from school simply because he was dressed up as an Oompa-Loompa, as ludicrous and akin to the actions of Adolf Hitler on a bad day.

Reiki healer jailed for misdiagnosing and treating wrong chakra

spitiually guided life force energy

A Reiki healer has been jailed today after a court heard that she misdiagnosed and subsequently transmitted Reiki to the wrong chakra which could have seriously affected her patient’s flow of chi.

“Tell them it was a bike accident” Corbyn tells Branson

branson corbyn fight

Sir Richard Branson is this morning still denying that he was duffed up by Jeremy Corbyn after a row about trains earlier in the week.

Pope urged to wear swimming trunks

pope swimming trunks

The Pope has been called on today to ditch his antiquated religious garb from the middle ages and wear swimming trunks round the clock on the off chance that he fancies a dip in the sea.

Modern medicine to blame as non-vaccinated people catch measles at festivals

measles at festivals

Pharmaceutical companies and so-called Doctors have been asked to account for the fact that people have been catching measles at festivals despite being at one with the earth and never having been vaccinated.

George Osborne’s dominatrix given knighthood

george osborne's dominatrix

George Osborne’s regular dominatrix has been awarded a knighthood today for services to pleasuring over privileged former public school boys with a piece of birch.

Bloke having crisis on Facebook found enjoying himself in pub

man in pub

A man having an apparent crisis on Facebook has been found safe and sound, not upset at all and enjoying a pint in his local.

Red people should piss off back to their own country

red people

Britain is being overrun by bright red people with peely skin, who should piss off back to their own country, according to foreign secretary Boris Johnson.