Lets not pretend it’s ok to be a Daily Mail Reader

Hi, I’m Richard Littlejohn and as you may have read I’ve just been banned from Centreparcs for being a bigot. But am I? Am I really? Obviously yes but it’s not my fault. It’s yours. And that’s not ok.

Bananas recalled over spider risk

Customers who have bought bananas from any outlet in the past 4 days have been urged today to take them immediately back for a refund as fears grow that they may contain Brazilian Wandering spiders.

Public urged not to participate in Panda on the Veranda tradition.

Members of the public have been urged today to shun the Christmas tradition of leaving a live panda outside on some decking for the month of December apparently due to the poor survival rate of the rare bear like creatures in sub zero temperatures.

50 metre fatberg to be used to make world’s largest burger

A 50 metre fatberg recently removed from a London sewer is to be used to cook the world’s biggest burger, London mayor Sadiq Kahn has confirmed today.

“Many people have impurities in their arses” David Wolfe warns

Much of the western world is suffering with impurities in their arses, caused by modern living and conventional science, according to alternative medicine advocate David Wolfe.

Butchers prepare for busiest day of the year as vegans take day off

Butchers are preparing for their busiest trading day outside Christmas as vegans throughout Britain approach their annual day off this week.

Corbyn’s daughter to market own range of fragrances

Jeremy Corbyn has today denied any conflict of interest with his position as leader of the opposition and his recent promotion of his daughter’s new range of fragrances which came on the market this week.

Scientists discover pride of vegan lions

Scientists studying lions in Africa have stumbled upon a tribe of vegan lions that have shunned the normal carnivorous diet associated with their species and instead live solely on fruit and vegetables.

God wants you to have diabetes

God wants you to have diabetes and he shows this by sending us his only rabbit, laden with mass produced chocolates, made by faceless corporations, according to Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby.

Brighton Council to ban wind chimes

Brighton Council is to issue on the spot fines for residents who have wind chimes in their gardens, as part of a crack down on anti-social behaviour.