Britain is being overrun by bright red people with peely skin, who should piss off back to their own country, according to foreign secretary Boris Johnson.
Revellers celebrating the summer solstice at Stonehenge this year will be expected to vacate the site by midnight, in order to make it clean and presentable for paying visitors the following day, according to the latest diktat by English Heritage. A spokesman for the charity, who are entrusted with charging people for things they already […]
McDonalds are to ban the only people who can bear to eat their food, following the revelation that some of them also like to get into fights. General Manager for Britain and Ireland, Filet O’Fish, said “We’ve no idea why cheap mass produced food in tacky surroundings brings in the wrong people. But we’re getting […]
An unemployed white man with dreadlocks is still banging on about chemtrails, emboldened by the lack of evidence for them. Tarquin Moonbeam of Amersham, Buckinghamshire, came into the spotlight having broken two world records. One for talking about the same thing constantly for nigh on 20 years and the other for making a single pint […]
British adventurer Ranulph Fiennes has announced today that he intends to prove that advancing years are no handicap by climbing the Bristol Stool Chart unassisted. Mr Fiennes full name (Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, 3rd Baronet, OBE) will climb to the very top of the chart whilst simultaneously performing the relevant bowel movements at each stage. The […]
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has extended his most heartfelt gratitude to acupuncturists who stepped up to the mark to stick pins in patients affected by today’s Junior Doctors’ strike. Speaking from outside St Mary’s hospital Paddington Mr Hunt said “We’ve been short of Doctors today, but luckily if you stick pins in people it’s better […]