Immigrants disguising themselves as Elf on the Shelf

elf-on-the-shelf-immigrant

Many families hosting an Elf on the Shelf this Christmas may unwittingly be harbouring an illegal immigrant who left unattended would most likely take your job and convert your children to Islam according to UKIP leader Paul Nuttall.

“£5 notes made from free range cows” assure Bank of England

5-notes-beef

The Bank of England have assured the public today that all cows used to produce the new £5 note lived a wonderfully free life, gambolling through the meadows, before being slaughtered and used to emboss the Queen’s head on legal tender.

Britain to pull out of drinking in moderation

theresa-bloody-may

Britain is to opt out of the EU policy of moderate drinking at meal times in favour of the traditional British policy of getting as drunk as a monkey on an empty stomach on a Friday night.

Waitress “unable” to exchange tomato for extra sausage on full English

Portrait of happy young waitress filling coffee in cup from machine at cafe

The Equality and Human Rights Commission has reported one of the worst cases of Disability discrimination following the sad tale of a waitress with afflictions so severe that she was unable to exchange tomato for an extra sausage on the menu of a full English breakfast.

Marauding clowns just leaderless UKIP members

marauding-clowns

The recent spell of marauding clowns throughout the UK is comprised of UKIP members who have had their referendum, lost their leader and now don’t know what to do, according to former leader Nigel Farage. “They’ve had their vote, they’ve worked out that all their problems are going to be there whether we’re in Europe […]

Welsh language just gibberish

welsh-language

The Welsh language is merely gibberish made up on the spot according to scientists studying it to see if it is in fact a real language or just nonsense.

Mass school brawl probably over conkers or scrumping

mass-school-brawl-conkers

Secretary of State for Education Justine Greening has told critics that the recent mass brawl involving 100 school pupils in Northumberland Heath was probably due to lack of conkers due to the late autumn or perhaps someone scrumping more than their fair share of apples from nearby farms and gardens.

Cameron to start new life as a farmer

cameron-farmer

Former Prime Minister David Cameron is to start a new career as a farmer, following his resignation as an MP today.

Parents fury as son sent home from school for Oompa-Loompa attire

oompa-loompa-attire

Angry parents have today slammed the decision of their son’s headmaster to send him home from school simply because he was dressed up as an Oompa-Loompa, as ludicrous and akin to the actions of Adolf Hitler on a bad day.

Reiki healer jailed for misdiagnosing and treating wrong chakra

spitiually guided life force energy

A Reiki healer has been jailed today after a court heard that she misdiagnosed and subsequently transmitted Reiki to the wrong chakra which could have seriously affected her patient’s flow of chi.