Corbyn refuses to deny being present for 1970s

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has refused to deny that he was present for the entire 1970s when the IRA was active, people were more racist and Jim’ll Fix it was on the TV every Saturday.

Conservatives to be nice to bunnies and kittens and give everyone free cake

The Conservative party will be lovely to fluffy animals, kiss babies and give everyone a free slice of cake according to their manifesto released this morning.

May promises workers’ rights like a python promising not to constrict anyone

Prime Minister Theresa May has promised to uphold workers rights, as presently required under EU law, in the style of a python promising not to constrict anyone or a crocodile vowing to become vegan.

Labour to take Britain back to the 1970s, when people could afford to buy a house

The Labour Party have been slated by the press today following accusations that they wish to take Britain back to the 1970s where there were loads more pubs, beer was 35p a pint and everyone could afford to buy a house.

Conservative MPs celebrate acquittal with dominatrices and asphyxiation

Conservative MPs throughout Britain are celebrating escaping criminal charges for financial irregularities by hiring a dominatrix who will tell them that they are still very naughty.

Conservatives to bring back Jim’ll Fix it

The Conservative party will bring back Jim’ll Fix It on BBC1 if re-elected, according to Prime Minister Theresa May.

May “Gerard Depardieu is interfering in our General Election”

Foreigners from across the sea are interfering in the UK General election in a plot masterminded by Gerard Depardieu according to Prime Minister Theresa May.

Royal children are better than yours

The Royal children are better than yours, their birthdays are more important and when they are old enough to think things, the things that they think will be more important than the things your children think about things.

People unite behind more reliance on food banks and no NHS

Theresa May looks set to win the forthcoming General election due to the overwhelming popularity of more people needing food banks and her plans to completely dismantle the NHS.

Paultons Park to admit only blonde haired blue eyed children

Paulton’s park are to restrict access to children with blonde hair, blue eyes and high cheekbones accompanied by parents of a similar appearance unless they’re a foreign nanny.-