God refuses to attend Trump’s inauguration

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Donald Trump has suffered the biggest snub to his presidency so far after God has reportedly ruled out attending the President Elect’s inauguration.

Trump “We will build a giant Mexican and Pink Floyd will have to pay for it”

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Donald Trump will commission the construction of a gigantic Mexican bankrolled by progressive rock band Pink Floyd according to the President Elect this morning.

“I never mocked that disabled reporter” says man who mocked reporter for being disabled

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Donald Trump has gone on record today to deny mocking reporter Serge Kovaleski for being disabled even though he did and it was all recorded and everybody saw it.

May “We’re having an Okey Cokey Brexit”

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Britain will be having an Okey Cokey Brexit where it puts its left foot in, out, in out and then shakes it all about according to Prime Minister Theresa May.

Government to roll fat people down hills

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Obese people could face cuts to their benefits if they do not agree to be rolled down a steep hill, under new plans being outlined by Home Secretary Amber Rudd. Ms Rudd has published a report looking at how benefit payments can be linked to claimants’ lifestyles, in particular their “willingness to move rapidly from […]

Poor people to ask Philip Schofield before spending benefits

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Poor people will be required to consult Phillip Schofield before spending any of their benefits according to new legislation passed today.

English Defence league to assist with English tuition for new immigrants

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The English Defence League is to offer free English tuition to all new immigrants in a new project designed to facilitate communication and ease racial tension.

UK ambassador to EU resigns as EU countries refuse to speak English

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The UK’s ambassador to the EU quit due to not understanding what anyone was talking about it has emerged today.

Bloke on Motorway makes New year’s resolution to try indicating just fucking once

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A motorway driver has today made a new years resolution to try actually indicating just fucking once before moving from lane to lane without contemplating the possibility of anyone else on the road. Ronald Shitbucket who drives his MPV mainly at week-ends told us that he was looking forward to starting the new year by […]

“Thanks Beardy! You’ve got me until 2025!” says May

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Theresa May has the best part of a decade to do whatever the fuck she likes unchallenged and unhindered thanks to the British public’s steadfast refusal to trust a man with a beard.