Pope urged to wear swimming trunks

pope swimming trunks

The Pope has been called on today to ditch his antiquated religious garb from the middle ages and wear swimming trunks round the clock on the off chance that he fancies a dip in the sea.

Prison extremists to be played Black Lace songs

anjem choudary black lace

Islamic extremists in prison will be required to listen to songs by 1980s holiday dance outfit Black Lace, piped in so loud that it will drown out any attempts to exert a radicalising influence on other inmates.

Corbyn urged to stop sitting on roof of trains

corbyn sitting on train

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has told critics he will carry on sitting on the roof of trains and ducking at tunnels indefinitely, even if he becomes Prime Minister and whether there are seats available or not.

Government deny strangling kittens whilst media focus on the Olympics

theresa may strangling cats

Prime Minister Theresa May has strenuously denied accusations that the cabinet have been strangling kittens whilst the media focus their attention on the Olympic games.

Lineker presents MOTD whilst taking a shit

lineker taking a shit

Gary Lineker kept his promise and introduced the opening Match of the Day of the new season whilst taking a shit.

Trump shock at news shooting his opponent means he’ll just get another opponent

donald trump shocked

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has told of his shock today at finding out that if someone shoots Hilary Clinton he won’t automatically become President and the Democrats will just choose another opponent for him.

Labour to expel all its members

owen smith

The Labour party is to expel all its members before they can vote in the forthcoming leadership election and choose the wrong leader, according to a senior party source today.

Modern medicine to blame as non-vaccinated people catch measles at festivals

measles at festivals

Pharmaceutical companies and so-called Doctors have been asked to account for the fact that people have been catching measles at festivals despite being at one with the earth and never having been vaccinated.

George Osborne’s dominatrix given knighthood

george osborne's dominatrix

George Osborne’s regular dominatrix has been awarded a knighthood today for services to pleasuring over privileged former public school boys with a piece of birch.

Trump to give USA back to Native Americans, move to Mexico and pay for a wall

Trumpety Trumpington Trump

Donald Trump has vowed to return the USA back to native Americans, exile anyone not descended from original inhabitants, including himself, and move to Mexico where he will stop any future epidemics of mass migration such as the one that started in 1607 by Europeans, by building a wall which he himself would be paying for.

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