Hawking blames fault in voice simulator as Health secretary called Jeremy Cunt

Professor Stephen Hawking has blamed a fault in the software on his voice simulator after he appeared to refer to the Secretary of State for Health as Jeremy Cunt.

“Many people have impurities in their arses” David Wolfe warns

Much of the western world is suffering with impurities in their arses, caused by modern living and conventional science, according to alternative medicine advocate David Wolfe.

Trump threatens North Korea with Fire and Phooey

China has appealed for calm this morning as US President Donald Trump has threatened to match any North Korean aggression with fire and Hong Kong Phooey.

Man sacked following revelations he never attended the school of hard knocks

A man has been sacked with immediate effect following the discovery that he never actually attended the University of life or the school of hard knocks as claimed in his interview.

Overweight maniacal despot with nuclear weapons threatens Kim Jong-Un

North Korean President Kim Jong-un has appealed for United Nations support in dealing with a rogue overweight despot who terrifyingly now has access to nuclear weapons. 

Butchers prepare for busiest day of the year as vegans take day off

Butchers are preparing for their busiest trading day outside Christmas as vegans throughout Britain approach their annual day off this week.

Rolf Harris confirmed as Strictly contestant

Rolf Harris has confirmed that he will be entering Strictly Come Dancing as a contestant for the forthcoming 2017 competition. 

Blair to get police caution over Iraq war

Tony Blair is set to get off with a caution over starting the Iraq war as it is his first offence according to a spokesman for the High court.

Defend Europe ship forced to defend Libyan Captain

A spokesman for The Defend Europe ship has today defended having a Libyan Captain and Crew due to difficulties finding Europeans to man it.

Brexiters celebrate British independence by dousing chickens in toilet duck

Brexit supporters throughout the country have been celebrating British Independence by dousing their chickens in toilet duck, thought to be a prerequisite of any trade deal with America.