Trump administration urges Britons to use shorter sentences on state visit

A spokesman for the White House has confirmed that they have asked all UK citizens to speak in very short sentences ahead of President Trump’s state visit to Britain in October.

Londoner rents space between arse cheeks for £500 pcm

The London housing market has again come under criticism following the news that a Londoner is renting the space between his arse cheeks out for £500 per calender month to one lucky tenant, subject to deposit, credit checks and references. Described as an attractive  “tradesman’s entrance mews” property with its own underpant garden, the accommodation […]

Boris “Anyone saying I’ve gagged them should shut up”

Mayor of London Boris Johnson has insisted today that none of his staff have been gagged over the EU referendum and any that say they have should shut up.

Ranulph Fiennes to climb the Bristol Stool Chart

  British adventurer Ranulph Fiennes has announced today that he intends to prove that advancing years are no handicap by climbing the Bristol Stool Chart unassisted.  Mr Fiennes full name (Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, 3rd Baronet, OBE) will climb to the very top of the chart whilst simultaneously performing the relevant bowel movements at each stage. The […]

Was this a UFO spotted over London?

The Government have refused to comment today on reports that a UFO was spotted on a number of occasions by independent witnesses in different parts of London over the week-end. One witness Mike Diaper who had been taking an evening stroll through Blackheath told us “It was like a yellow light that shot up into […]

Brainwashed couple win right to be married by a cult

A brainwashed couple have won the right to be married by a cult at their main head quarters following a ruling from the supreme court today. Grinning in a scary fashion with huge huge eyes the Bride to be Louisa Hodkin told a packed press conference “It’s been a long drawn out case, but at last […]

Nigella’s ‘Not very hungry cook book’ set to be Christmas best seller

Nigella Lawson is set to top the charts of best selling books this Christmas with her latest literary offering ‘The not very hungry cook book’ “I wrote a lot of it in the London borough of Chingford. So I was originally going to  call it Ching food. But the ‘not very hungry cook book’ had […]

Royal baby indoctrinated into state sponsored cult

The official indoctrination of Prince George into a bizarre state sponsored cult has taken place in the Chapel Royal at St James’s Palace in London. According to a Palace insider “it was a tough choice between Christianity, Islam, scientology and Neptune God of the sea but in the end Christianity offered the best rates with […]

Page 3 to start showing men’s bollocks

The Sun newspaper has confirmed today that under recently increasing pressure from protest groups to ban boobs on page three, it has decided to keep them but offset them with a picture of a mans bollocks to make it fair. “It’s not fair that men have to buy the sun when they want to see […]

Daily Mail vindicated as immigrant takes all our jobs

The Daily Mail has had to hire extra temporary staff to deal with the huge amount of post containing letters of apology from members of the British public. It appears this morning that despite many warnings from the Daily Mail over several decades, Jesus Xavier Disraeli aged 34 from Bolivia, arrived in Britain unchecked, collected […]