Prison extremists to be played Black Lace songs

anjem choudary black lace

Islamic extremists in prison will be required to listen to songs by 1980s holiday dance outfit Black Lace, piped in so loud that it will drown out any attempts to exert a radicalising influence on other inmates.

Corbyn urged to stop sitting on roof of trains

corbyn sitting on train

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has told critics he will carry on sitting on the roof of trains and ducking at tunnels indefinitely, even if he becomes Prime Minister and whether there are seats available or not.

Government deny strangling kittens whilst media focus on the Olympics

theresa may strangling cats

Prime Minister Theresa May has strenuously denied accusations that the cabinet have been strangling kittens whilst the media focus their attention on the Olympic games.

Labour to expel all its members

owen smith

The Labour party is to expel all its members before they can vote in the forthcoming leadership election and choose the wrong leader, according to a senior party source today.

George Osborne’s dominatrix given knighthood

george osborne's dominatrix

George Osborne’s regular dominatrix has been awarded a knighthood today for services to pleasuring over privileged former public school boys with a piece of birch.

“Promise our wages won’t go up” British workers implore May

british workers

British workers have asked Prime Minister Theresa May for cast iron guarantees that their wages will carry on falling, and to ensure that they don’t have enough money to pay bills and get ideas above their station.

“Someone should have warned us about a recession” say Brexiters

ian duncan smith brexit

Furious Brexiters are criticising economists and credit agencies today for not warning them that stepping out of the largest free market in the world would somehow cause a clusterfuck of a recession.

Red people should piss off back to their own country

red people

Britain is being overrun by bright red people with peely skin, who should piss off back to their own country, according to foreign secretary Boris Johnson.

Surrey residents prepare to vote in labour leadership elections

surrey residents

Much of the population of Surrey are preparing to vote in the labour leadership elections following revelations that there is a £25 charge to keep the riff raff out.

Leadsom “Male zoo keepers will just try to shag the animals”

Andrea godbothering leadsom

Zoos should only employ female zoo keepers, as the male ones would only try to shag the animals, according to former Prime Ministerial candidate Andrea Leadsom. “I’m only saying what we all know. Would you leave a man in charge of your zebra? Not if you don’t want him to be up to his nuts […]

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