Elephants listening in on Donald Trump with their huge flappy ears

Elephants have been listening in on Donald Trump with their huge flappy ears and most likely handing the information to Barack Obama, the media or British Intelligence, according to tweets published by Mr Trump earlier this morning.

“Now not the time for independence vote” Theresa May tells America

Theresa May has rejected calls for the USA to hold a referendum regarding independence from Britain today saying “now is not the time.”

Trump to keep an open mind about flat earth

The concept of a spherical earth may be misinformation propagated by so called scientists who like the media have a liberal-elitist agenda according to US president Donald Trump.

Trump to ban immigration from Skull island

President Trump has today signed a new executive order placing a 90-day ban on people from Skull island just in case one of them is a forty-foot high monkey.

Hong Kong Phooey detained by US immigration

Popular 1970s crime fighter Hong Kong Phooey has reportedly been detained by US immigration as part of the latest crackdown ordered by President Donald Trump.

Trump to ban journalists from press conferences

Donald Trump is to ban journalists from all future press conferences until they learn to stop asking the wrong questions and start writing down the things that he tells them.

Trump to ban magic carpets and lamps

President Trump is to ban all immigrants arriving in the USA on a magic carpet and has authorised extreme vetting of those carrying oil lamps, to make sure they don’t contain genies.

Queen to offer Trump British delicacy of Dog Eggs on state visit

President Trump will be invited to Buckingham Palace to savour the exquisite British dish of dog eggs when he arrives on his state visit according to sources close to the Queen.

Trump to deport toddlers

US President Donald Trump is to begin a mass deportation of toddlers following reports that statistically they shoot more people in America than Islamic terrorists.

Trump “I’m ordering a pizza and Domino’s are going to pay for it”

Donald Trump is ordering a pizza this evening and Dominos are going to pay for it, according to a tweet from the President.