Trump to ban journalists from press conferences

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Donald Trump is to ban journalists from all future press conferences until they learn to stop asking the wrong questions and start writing down the things that he tells them.

Trump to ban magic carpets and lamps

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President Trump is to ban all immigrants arriving in the USA on a magic carpet and has authorised extreme vetting of those carrying oil lamps, to make sure they don’t contain genies.

Queen to offer Trump British delicacy of Dog Eggs on state visit

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President Trump will be invited to Buckingham Palace to savour the exquisite British dish of dog eggs when he arrives on his state visit according to sources close to the Queen.

Trump to deport toddlers

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US President Donald Trump is to begin a mass deportation of toddlers following reports that statistically they shoot more people in America than Islamic terrorists.

Trump “I’m ordering a pizza and Domino’s are going to pay for it”

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Donald Trump is ordering a pizza this evening and Dominos are going to pay for it, according to a tweet from the President.

Trump begins arresting and waterboarding musicians

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US citizens have been urged today to come forward regarding the whereabouts of Bruce Springsteen, Elton John and U2 who are all reportedly on the run following news that President Of the USA, Donald Trump, has ordered the arrest and subsequent waterboarding of all musicians apart from the ones that played his inauguration.

God refuses to attend Trump’s inauguration

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Donald Trump has suffered the biggest snub to his presidency so far after God has reportedly ruled out attending the President Elect’s inauguration.

Trump “We will build a giant Mexican and Pink Floyd will have to pay for it”

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Donald Trump will commission the construction of a gigantic Mexican bankrolled by progressive rock band Pink Floyd according to the President Elect this morning.

“I never mocked that disabled reporter” says man who mocked reporter for being disabled

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Donald Trump has gone on record today to deny mocking reporter Serge Kovaleski for being disabled even though he did and it was all recorded and everybody saw it.

Trump to keep an open mind on gravity

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The Donald Trump administration will keep an open mind on the concept of gravity, following concerns from the President elect that Newton’s laws may just be misinformation most likely started off by the Chinese.