God refuses to attend Trump’s inauguration

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Donald Trump has suffered the biggest snub to his presidency so far after God has reportedly ruled out attending the President Elect’s inauguration.

Trump “We will build a giant Mexican and Pink Floyd will have to pay for it”

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Donald Trump will commission the construction of a gigantic Mexican bankrolled by progressive rock band Pink Floyd according to the President Elect this morning.

“I never mocked that disabled reporter” says man who mocked reporter for being disabled

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Donald Trump has gone on record today to deny mocking reporter Serge Kovaleski for being disabled even though he did and it was all recorded and everybody saw it.

Trump to keep an open mind on gravity

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The Donald Trump administration will keep an open mind on the concept of gravity, following concerns from the President elect that Newton’s laws may just be misinformation most likely started off by the Chinese.

Farage “USA and UK should use me as a condom”

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Britain should use Nigel Farage as a condom in its dealings with President elect Donald Trump according to the former UKIP leader.

Jimmy Saville awarded Time Magazine’s person of the year

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The late entertainer Jimmy Saville has been awarded Person of the Year for 2016 by US magazine Time.

Trump “Nigel Farage must be Queen of England”

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Nigel Farage should be made Queen of England in order to preserve Britain’s special relationship with the USA, according to president elect Donald Trump.

Boris Johnson “We must all climb into Trump’s arse”

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We must all climb into Donald Trump’s arse and deferentially do his bidding, blindly following his every xenophobic whim according to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

Trump to just build half a wall

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Donald Trump will most likely build just half a wall on the US Mexico border instead of a whole one according to sources close to the President elect.

Putin outlines Trump’s induction week

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Russian Premier Vladimir Putin has sent Donald Trump his firm offer of the job in the White House and outlined the itinerary for his induction week.