Conservatives to be nice to bunnies and kittens and give everyone free cake

The Conservative party will be lovely to fluffy animals, kiss babies and give everyone a free slice of cake according to their manifesto released this morning.

May promises workers’ rights like a python promising not to constrict anyone

Prime Minister Theresa May has promised to uphold workers rights, as presently required under EU law, in the style of a python promising not to constrict anyone or a crocodile vowing to become vegan.

Labour to take Britain back to the 1970s, when people could afford to buy a house

The Labour Party have been slated by the press today following accusations that they wish to take Britain back to the 1970s where there were loads more pubs, beer was 35p a pint and everyone could afford to buy a house.

Conservatives to bring back Jim’ll Fix it

The Conservative party will bring back Jim’ll Fix It on BBC1 if re-elected, according to Prime Minister Theresa May.

People unite behind more reliance on food banks and no NHS

Theresa May looks set to win the forthcoming General election due to the overwhelming popularity of more people needing food banks and her plans to completely dismantle the NHS.

Putin unsure how to screw up UK General election any more than it is

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin is thought to be stumped as to how he might sabotage the forthcoming UK general election without inadvertently making it better, according to Kremlin sources.

Theresa May “The bible says I must take disabled people’s cars away”

Theresa May has only passed legislation to take mobility cars away from disabled people because it says so in the bible according to an interview with the God fearing Prime minister.

Independent Scotland to govern Gibraltar

An independent Scotland could govern Gibraltar thus allowing both to remain in Europe according to Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon.

“You’re on your own now” says every single economist ever

Every single economist and financial analyst ever has wished Britain the best of luck in it’s exit from the single market, but has ruled out sticking around to watch it happen. A spokesman for credit rating agency Standard and Poors said “I’ve been warning against a clusterfuck of a recession for years and now its […]

“Now not the time for independence vote” Theresa May tells America

Theresa May has rejected calls for the USA to hold a referendum regarding independence from Britain today saying “now is not the time.”