Trump to deport toddlers

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US President Donald Trump is to begin a mass deportation of toddlers following reports that statistically they shoot more people in America than Islamic terrorists.

May under fire as husband selling wheelbarrows for public to load worthless cash into

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Theresa May has been accused of foul play today following revelations that her husband Philip May has cornered the market in wheelbarrows for people to fill up with soon to be worthless currency when they need to buy a loaf of bread.

May “We’re having an Okey Cokey Brexit”

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Britain will be having an Okey Cokey Brexit where it puts its left foot in, out, in out and then shakes it all about according to Prime Minister Theresa May.

UK ambassador to EU resigns as EU countries refuse to speak English

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The UK’s ambassador to the EU quit due to not understanding what anyone was talking about it has emerged today.

“Thanks Beardy! You’ve got me until 2025!” says May

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Theresa May has the best part of a decade to do whatever the fuck she likes unchallenged and unhindered thanks to the British public’s steadfast refusal to trust a man with a beard.

“Strikes show nearly as much contempt for the public as I do” says May

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Prime Minister Theresa May has voiced her secret admiration for the forthcoming strikes as she feels they treat the public with contempt, which is something she holds deep to her heart.

Conservative Government to make tough decisions due to financial mess inherited from themselves

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The Government are going to have to make some tough decisions due the appalling state of the public purse that they inherited from the last Government, which was themselves, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond.

“Yes we are controlled by secret lizard people” admits May

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David Icke is right and MPs are under the direct control of lizard people, Prime Minister Theresa May has admitted today.

Britain to pull out of drinking in moderation

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Britain is to opt out of the EU policy of moderate drinking at meal times in favour of the traditional British policy of getting as drunk as a monkey on an empty stomach on a Friday night.

Captain Cook to fuck off back to his own country as Australia bans immigration by boat

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Captain Cook, all his descendants and anyone who looks a bit like him will have to fuck off back to their own country following a landmark ruling today to ban all immigrants who attempt to enter the country by boat.