Britain set to vote ‘Wanking Monkey’

Party leaders are said to be ‘upset and disappointed’ at the results of the latest polls released today which suggest that most of the British public are intending to shun all major and minor political parties at the forthcoming General election, and instead vote for a wanking monkey.

Corbyn urged to stop sitting on roof of trains

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has told critics he will carry on sitting on the roof of trains and ducking at tunnels indefinitely, even if he becomes Prime Minister and whether there are seats available or not.

“Labour will bring back analogue TV” warns Cameron

A Jeremy Corbyn led Labour Government will bring back analogue TV, returning Britain to a world where you change channels with a dial whilst someone else arses about with the aerial trying in vain to get a decent picture, according to stark warnings from David Cameron. In an impassioned speech the Prime Minister warned that […]

Labour to shit on the poor compassionately and fairly

Acting Labour Leader Harriet Harman has promised that despite a minor rebellion from do-gooders, Labour will now concentrate on taking a monumental shit on all poor people, albeit compassionately and fairly. Speaking to a heaving press conference the hapless interim said “We must listen to the voters and defecate on poor people from a great […]

Cameron “Labour will ban bacon”

David Cameron has warned the electorate in no uncertain terms that a vote for Labour on May 7th will mean bacon sandwiches without any bacon in them, probably eggs and bacon without the bacon either, as Labour would most likely ban bacon the moment that they got into power. Speaking to Andrew Neil the Premier […]

Salmond to be given Surrey

Alex salmond will be given Surrey as his own private kingdom to do with whatever he chooses should the SNP hold the balance of power in any future coalition with the Labour party. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Salmond explained that whilst he would still be campaigning for Scottish independence he would himself […]

Ed Balls “We’ll give everyone a job by taxing bad people”

A Labour government will tax all bad people and give every single person a job according to new measures announced today by shadow chancellor Ed Balls. “Nobody likes bad people so it’s only fair that they contribute to a state orchestrated facade of full employment. We’ll be asking the public to demonise various stereotypes on […]

Stupid George Osborne to issue autumn statement in winter

George Osborne has today fended off accusations that he is incompetent and irresponsible as widespread criticism mounts that he is issuing an Autumn statement in Winter. Shadow Chancellor Eddie Balls told us “It’s ridiculous. Everybody knows that December is in Winter. If he can’t get that right then how can he be left in charge […]

Paul Flowers “I’ll take less drugs and learn to do sums”

Former Cooperative bank chairman Paul Flowers has assured members of the public that should he end up in charge of a bank again he will take far less drugs and learn to do sums. “I think the best thing is to learn from your mistakes. I’ve lost my job as a priest, a local Government Labour […]

Government accused of favouritism towards hard working people

The Government have today been accused today of pandering to the wishes of hard working people. Speaking at a press conference this morning shouty number cruncher Eddie Balls warned that hard working people would not longer be able to expect an easy ride under a Labour administration. “First it was the bankers, then politicians, now […]