Roadside drug tests ineffective if users eat onion

Mandatory roadside drug tests to be introduced in London, Hampshire and greater Manchester have been criticised as a waste of public funds, following the revelation that the tests which take a sample of saliva, are ineffective if the user has recently eaten an onion.

The onion which must be eaten raw and in its entirety is likely to make the consumer produce tears which in turn also evacuates all traces of drugs from the system. A theory that a drug user could still pass a test by causing themselves to cry by other means such as watching the film ET has been discredited as the wrong type of tears.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told us that whilst the onion method might be effective, officers will be trained to move in quickly on vehicles whose drivers they believe are flouting the law, hopefully before they have time to consume the whole onion.

“Anyone with an onion on their passenger seat or in their glove compartment is going to be regarded with deep suspicion. We will be working very closely with supermarkets, green grocers and allotments. Once your card is marked we’ll keep on testing you. And you may not always have an onion handy.”

The method is not thought to be effective in terms of alcohol breath tests. However, the Home Office have admitted that they will not be able to prosecute every single drink driver.

Indeed, part of the statement issued reads “There will always be loopholes, such as reducing the amount of alcohol on the breath by blowing through a sock. And legally we can’t charge you for drink driving if you are driving somebody else’s car.”