Pope urged to wear swimming trunks

pope swimming trunks

The Pope has been called on today to ditch his antiquated religious garb from the middle ages and wear swimming trunks round the clock on the off chance that he fancies a dip in the sea.

Corbyn urged to stop sitting on roof of trains

corbyn sitting on train

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has told critics he will carry on sitting on the roof of trains and ducking at tunnels indefinitely, even if he becomes Prime Minister and whether there are seats available or not.

Government deny strangling kittens whilst media focus on the Olympics

theresa may strangling cats

Prime Minister Theresa May has strenuously denied accusations that the cabinet have been strangling kittens whilst the media focus their attention on the Olympic games.

Lineker presents MOTD whilst taking a shit

lineker taking a shit

Gary Lineker kept his promise and introduced the opening Match of the Day of the new season whilst taking a shit.

Labour to expel all its members

owen smith

The Labour party is to expel all its members before they can vote in the forthcoming leadership election and choose the wrong leader, according to a senior party source today.

Modern medicine to blame as non-vaccinated people catch measles at festivals

measles at festivals

Pharmaceutical companies and so-called Doctors have been asked to account for the fact that people have been catching measles at festivals despite being at one with the earth and never having been vaccinated.

George Osborne’s dominatrix given knighthood

george osborne's dominatrix

George Osborne’s regular dominatrix has been awarded a knighthood today for services to pleasuring over privileged former public school boys with a piece of birch.

Bloke having crisis on Facebook found enjoying himself in pub

man in pub

A man having an apparent crisis on Facebook has been found safe and sound, not upset at all and enjoying a pint in his local.

“Promise our wages won’t go up” British workers implore May

british workers

British workers have asked Prime Minister Theresa May for cast iron guarantees that their wages will carry on falling, and to ensure that they don’t have enough money to pay bills and get ideas above their station.

“Someone should have warned us about a recession” say Brexiters

ian duncan smith brexit

Furious Brexiters are criticising economists and credit agencies today for not warning them that stepping out of the largest free market in the world would somehow cause a clusterfuck of a recession.

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