Chris Evans in hiding as Princess Beatrice vows to stab all famous gingers

princess-beatrice-chris-evans

Princess Beatrice is to stab and maim all famous gingers with a sword, starting with Chris Evans, the moment she has visited Ed Sheeran in hospital and finished the job she started according to Royal sources.

Conservative Government to make tough decisions due to financial mess inherited from themselves

philip-fucking-hammond

The Government are going to have to make some tough decisions due the appalling state of the public purse that they inherited from the last Government, which was themselves, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond.

Government to escape to private island following Brexit

we-want-our-cuntry-back

Theresa May’s Government are planning to escape to a privately owned tropical island following a hard Brexit according to Conservative party insiders.

Post Brexit Britain to bring back white dog poo

Brexit white dog poo

Theresa May has today promised that a post Brexit  Government will take Britain back to simpler times when dog poo was white and you could find some on almost every residential street. “We need to return Britain to a bygone era where everyone wakes up to a bowl of frosted sugar smacked winnits and walks […]

Post boxes to stop wearing Burkas

POST BOXES

  Post boxes are going to have to stop wearing Burkas and start dressing like everybody else according to leaked minutes of a recent Government meeting. One Government insider told us “They don’t make any effort to fit in. They’re just all clad in red apart from the small rectangular gap at the top through […]

Pope urged to wear swimming trunks

pope swimming trunks

The Pope has been called on today to ditch his antiquated religious garb from the middle ages and wear swimming trunks round the clock on the off chance that he fancies a dip in the sea.

Corbyn urged to stop sitting on roof of trains

corbyn sitting on train

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has told critics he will carry on sitting on the roof of trains and ducking at tunnels indefinitely, even if he becomes Prime Minister and whether there are seats available or not.

Government deny strangling kittens whilst media focus on the Olympics

theresa may strangling cats

Prime Minister Theresa May has strenuously denied accusations that the cabinet have been strangling kittens whilst the media focus their attention on the Olympic games.

Lineker presents MOTD whilst taking a shit

lineker taking a shit

Gary Lineker kept his promise and introduced the opening Match of the Day of the new season whilst taking a shit.

Labour to expel all its members

owen smith

The Labour party is to expel all its members before they can vote in the forthcoming leadership election and choose the wrong leader, according to a senior party source today.