Labour must avoid electing a leader with facial hair at all costs, according to leadership hopeful Andy Burnham, who has warned of catastrophic consequences to party members who choose to put their trust in a man with a beard.
“One of the founding principles of the Labour movement is that you should never trust a man with a beard. They might seem principled but believe you me they’d take a piss in your garden as soon as look at you.
“I don’t mean any particular candidate by this. If Yvette Cooper grew a beard then I would avoid voting for her.
“It’s no coincidence that no-one with a beard has reached Number 10 since Benjamin Disraeli. And I’m not even sure if he had a beard.” He noted.
A resolute Mr Burnham has promised that should he become leader it will herald a new umbrella of inclusion and not just a series of vote winning knee-jerk policies designed to keep him in power at any cost.
“I will grow a beard. If that’s what it takes, I will do it.” He explained.
Non-lefty leadership hopeful Liz Kendall said a bearded leader could leave the party high and dry.
“It’s all very well voting in a leader sporting a chin rug. But let’s face it, you don’t know when they’re going to fuck off and join ZZ Topp.”