Leadsom “Male zoo keepers will just try to shag the animals”

Andrea godbothering leadsom

Zoos should only employ female zoo keepers, as the male ones would only try to shag the animals, according to former Prime Ministerial candidate Andrea Leadsom. “I’m only saying what we all know. Would you leave a man in charge of your zebra? Not if you don’t want him to be up to his nuts […]

Portsmouth park to become shrine to Margaret Thatcher

thatcher statue

A park in the centre of Portsmouth is to become a shrine to former Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher including a 30 foot statue surrounded by right wing topiary.

Jim Bowen to open Yorkshire fracking site

jim bowen

Jim Bowen is to open Yorkshire’s new fracking site and commentate on the fracking as if it were an episode of Bullseye, according to a vote passed today by North Yorkshire county council. One Councillor explained “We need to show the public that contrary to common opinion, fracking is lovely, smashing, super, great, fantastic and […]

Cameron nicks a car for his wife

david car stealing cameron

David Cameron has shown himself to be a man of the people by twocking a car from a nearby estate, which he apparently plans to give to his wife. Reg Grundy from the Blackbird Lees estate in Oxford said “I couldn’t believe it. I saw someone out of my front window trying to break into […]

Londoner rents space between arse cheeks for £500 pcm

arse

The London housing market has again come under criticism following the news that a Londoner is renting the space between his arse cheeks out for £500 per calender month to one lucky tenant, subject to deposit, credit checks and references. Described as an attractive  “tradesman’s entrance mews” property with its own underpant garden, the accommodation […]

Cameron “I didn’t do it but I won’t do it again”

david cameron

Prime Minister David Cameron has assured a concerned British public that he has never benefited from offshore tax havens and has also promised that this will absolutely be the last time and he will never do it again.

Francis Bacon self-portrait vandalised by monkey with a sponge

Francis Bacon portrait

Sotheby’s  have admitted they will be lucky to get any serious bids for a rare self-portrait by Francis Bacon after it appears to have been vandalised by some sort of demented monkey with a sponge, thus leaving it looking nothing like him. A spokesman for the prestigious auction house said “It’s all smudged. This is […]

Coca-Cola to include cocaine again

coca-cola cocaine

Coca-Cola are to get round the sugar tax by replacing some of the sugar in its drinks with cocaine according to a statement released by the ultra-sugary drinks giant this morning.

Northern towns to revert to being in black and white

northern towns

Northern provincial towns from Hull upwards are set to return to being in monochrome following more difficult decisions from the Government this morning.

Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall consummate their marriage

Murdoch Hall nuptials

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch and former model Jerry Hall are reported to be consummating their marriage at this exact moment according to sources close to the pair. Reports that neither have been seen live on any internet footage for a matter of minutes in the aftermath of their earlier nuptials have led to widespread speculation […]

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