Islamic State claim responsibility for BMW drivers

Islamic State have today claimed responsibility for a spate of BMW drivers driving aggressively and erratically cutting up other road users and getting points on their licenses.

Portsmouth Council authorise new high rise shaped like a penis

Portsmouth City Council leader Donna Jones has spoken of an exciting vision for Portsmouth, involving the construction of a high rise block shaped like a giant penis.

Government promises affordable homes to be bought by city types and rented out

The Government has vowed to build more affordable housing which can be bought up quickly as second homes by people who work in the city.

May under fire as husband selling wheelbarrows for public to load worthless cash into

Theresa May has been accused of foul play today following revelations that her husband Philip May has cornered the market in wheelbarrows for people to fill up with soon to be worthless currency when they need to buy a loaf of bread.

Lidl “You can paint your house with our gravy for less”

People will be able to re-decorate their houses on a shoestring according to budget supermarket giant Lidl following revelations that their gravy contains paint.

“£5 notes made from free range cows” assure Bank of England

The Bank of England have assured the public today that all cows used to produce the new £5 note lived a wonderfully free life, gambolling through the meadows, before being slaughtered and used to emboss the Queen’s head on legal tender.

Daily Mail to cease trading as Google and Facebook ban fake news

The owner of the Daily Mail has today confirmed rumours that the paper will cease all further publications in response to a crackdown on fake news.

Waitress “unable” to exchange tomato for extra sausage on full English

The Equality and Human Rights Commission has reported one of the worst cases of Disability discrimination following the sad tale of a waitress with afflictions so severe that she was unable to exchange tomato for an extra sausage on the menu of a full English breakfast.

Daily Mail readers’ anger at plans for black Milky Bar Kid

Daily Mail readers have threatened to boycott Nestlé products following reports that the next Milky Bar Kid is thought to be black.

BREXIT joy as pound worth same as Britain in 1972

UKIP members and leave voters have been popping corks this evening following news that the value of the pound reached the same as it was in 1972, just before Britain joined the EU.