Public urged to check bank accounts for old pound coins

Members of the public are being urged to contact their banks as it’s thought some people’s entire balance may consist of old pound coins.

Weak and pissy lager in weaker and pissier than advertised shocker

Weak and pissy lager giant Carling has apologised following revelations that their weak and pissy lager is actually weaker and pissier than advertised, shocking all but people who have ever tried it.

Isle of Wight residents boycott Asda after new bags read “Isle of Shite”

Isle of Wight residents are threatening to boycott the new Asda superstore after their new bags for life were found to read “Isle of Shite”.

Man sacked following revelations he never attended the school of hard knocks

A man has been sacked with immediate effect following the discovery that he never actually attended the University of life or the school of hard knocks as claimed in his interview.

Islamic State claim responsibility for BMW drivers

Islamic State have today claimed responsibility for a spate of BMW drivers driving aggressively and erratically cutting up other road users and getting points on their licenses.

Portsmouth Council authorise new high rise shaped like a penis

Portsmouth City Council leader Donna Jones has spoken of an exciting vision for Portsmouth, involving the construction of a high rise block shaped like a giant penis.

Government promises affordable homes to be bought by city types and rented out

The Government has vowed to build more affordable housing which can be bought up quickly as second homes by people who work in the city.

May under fire as husband selling wheelbarrows for public to load worthless cash into

Theresa May has been accused of foul play today following revelations that her husband Philip May has cornered the market in wheelbarrows for people to fill up with soon to be worthless currency when they need to buy a loaf of bread.

Lidl “You can paint your house with our gravy for less”

People will be able to re-decorate their houses on a shoestring according to budget supermarket giant Lidl following revelations that their gravy contains paint.

“£5 notes made from free range cows” assure Bank of England

The Bank of England have assured the public today that all cows used to produce the new £5 note lived a wonderfully free life, gambolling through the meadows, before being slaughtered and used to emboss the Queen’s head on legal tender.