“£5 notes made from free range cows” assure Bank of England

5-notes-beef

The Bank of England have assured the public today that all cows used to produce the new £5 note lived a wonderfully free life, gambolling through the meadows, before being slaughtered and used to emboss the Queen’s head on legal tender.

Daily Mail to cease trading as Google and Facebook ban fake news

daily-mail-facebook

The owner of the Daily Mail has today confirmed rumours that the paper will cease all further publications in response to a crackdown on fake news.

Waitress “unable” to exchange tomato for extra sausage on full English

Portrait of happy young waitress filling coffee in cup from machine at cafe

The Equality and Human Rights Commission has reported one of the worst cases of Disability discrimination following the sad tale of a waitress with afflictions so severe that she was unable to exchange tomato for an extra sausage on the menu of a full English breakfast.

Daily Mail readers’ anger at plans for black Milky Bar Kid

black-milky-bar-kid

Daily Mail readers have threatened to boycott Nestlé products following reports that the next Milky Bar Kid is thought to be black.

BREXIT joy as pound worth same as Britain in 1972

brexiters-celebrate

UKIP members and leave voters have been popping corks this evening following news that the value of the pound reached the same as it was in 1972, just before Britain joined the EU.

Man on phone can’t give any prices until a salesman comes to your house

man-on-phone

A man on the phone has explained that he is simply unable to reveal the prices of any of his company’s products until a salesman comes to your house.

“Here you are. Here’s €13 billion” Apple tell EU

tim cook apple

Technology giant Apple has handed over €13 billion to the European Commission today telling officials they were surprised they hadn’t asked earlier.

Post boxes to stop wearing Burkas

POST BOXES

  Post boxes are going to have to stop wearing Burkas and start dressing like everybody else according to leaked minutes of a recent Government meeting. One Government insider told us “They don’t make any effort to fit in. They’re just all clad in red apart from the small rectangular gap at the top through […]

“Promise our wages won’t go up” British workers implore May

british workers

British workers have asked Prime Minister Theresa May for cast iron guarantees that their wages will carry on falling, and to ensure that they don’t have enough money to pay bills and get ideas above their station.

Leadsom “Male zoo keepers will just try to shag the animals”

Andrea godbothering leadsom

Zoos should only employ female zoo keepers, as the male ones would only try to shag the animals, according to former Prime Ministerial candidate Andrea Leadsom. “I’m only saying what we all know. Would you leave a man in charge of your zebra? Not if you don’t want him to be up to his nuts […]