Man on phone can’t give any prices until a salesman comes to your house

man-on-phone

A man on the phone has explained that he is simply unable to reveal the prices of any of his company’s products until a salesman comes to your house.

“Here you are. Here’s €13 billion” Apple tell EU

tim cook apple

Technology giant Apple has handed over €13 billion to the European Commission today telling officials they were surprised they hadn’t asked earlier.

Post boxes to stop wearing Burkas

POST BOXES

  Post boxes are going to have to stop wearing Burkas and start dressing like everybody else according to leaked minutes of a recent Government meeting. One Government insider told us “They don’t make any effort to fit in. They’re just all clad in red apart from the small rectangular gap at the top through […]

“Promise our wages won’t go up” British workers implore May

british workers

British workers have asked Prime Minister Theresa May for cast iron guarantees that their wages will carry on falling, and to ensure that they don’t have enough money to pay bills and get ideas above their station.

Leadsom “Male zoo keepers will just try to shag the animals”

Andrea godbothering leadsom

Zoos should only employ female zoo keepers, as the male ones would only try to shag the animals, according to former Prime Ministerial candidate Andrea Leadsom. “I’m only saying what we all know. Would you leave a man in charge of your zebra? Not if you don’t want him to be up to his nuts […]

Portsmouth park to become shrine to Margaret Thatcher

thatcher statue

A park in the centre of Portsmouth is to become a shrine to former Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher including a 30 foot statue surrounded by right wing topiary.

Jim Bowen to open Yorkshire fracking site

jim bowen

Jim Bowen is to open Yorkshire’s new fracking site and commentate on the fracking as if it were an episode of Bullseye, according to a vote passed today by North Yorkshire county council. One Councillor explained “We need to show the public that contrary to common opinion, fracking is lovely, smashing, super, great, fantastic and […]

Cameron nicks a car for his wife

david car stealing cameron

David Cameron has shown himself to be a man of the people by twocking a car from a nearby estate, which he apparently plans to give to his wife. Reg Grundy from the Blackbird Lees estate in Oxford said “I couldn’t believe it. I saw someone out of my front window trying to break into […]

Londoner rents space between arse cheeks for £500 pcm

arse

The London housing market has again come under criticism following the news that a Londoner is renting the space between his arse cheeks out for £500 per calender month to one lucky tenant, subject to deposit, credit checks and references. Described as an attractive  “tradesman’s entrance mews” property with its own underpant garden, the accommodation […]

Cameron “I didn’t do it but I won’t do it again”

david cameron

Prime Minister David Cameron has assured a concerned British public that he has never benefited from offshore tax havens and has also promised that this will absolutely be the last time and he will never do it again.