Conservative MPs celebrate acquittal with dominatrices and asphyxiation

Conservative MPs throughout Britain are celebrating escaping criminal charges for financial irregularities by hiring a dominatrix who will tell them that they are still very naughty.

One MP who did not ask to remain anonymous but was wearing a leather mask said “On one hand going to prison would have screwed up my political career. On the other hand I’m very rich, I like the idea of being locked up, and I could have written a book. The dominatrix who I hired to celebrate my acquittal has told me that I’m a useless little worm and I need to be thwacked with a piece of birch. ”

Indeed, the sudden overwhelming demand for dominatrix services is thought to have taken the industry by surprise, with many MPs having to resort to traditional Conservative party pastimes of temporary asphyxiation from a light fitting whilst having a fiddle wearing stockings with an apple stuck in their mouth.

Former Conservative MP and Evening Standard editor George Osborne said “That’s my evening fucked then. The lucky bastards. Just me and the cocaine then.”