Conservative MPs celebrate acquittal with dominatrices and asphyxiation

Conservative MPs throughout Britain are celebrating escaping criminal charges for financial irregularities by hiring a dominatrix who will tell them that they are still very naughty.

Theresa May “We’ll target all those who spread hate, except us”

The home secretary Theresa May has vowed that the Government will “systematically confront and challenge extremist ideology” as she detailed new curbs on “all those who spread hate, except us.” Speaking to a packed press conference Mrs May said “It’s absolutely fine for us to demonize immigrants, poor people, single mothers and the sick and […]

Government pass law making it illegal not to be conservative

George Osborne has confirmed today that he will be passing a law banning any future Governments not being Conservative. Speaking ahead of his annual Mansion House speech on Wednesday, George Osborne outlined his plans to ensure future governments “act like a bit of a git” even when there is no evidence based reason for doing […]

Conservative voters confident they won’t ever get ill

Conservative voters are looking forward to the next 5 years of a Conservative Government, confident that they themselves will never get ill and as a result won’t be affected by the inevitable demise of the NHS. One voter we spoke to trying to get a last GP check up in told us “I don’t want […]

Cameron urged to intervene as May begins to eat Gove

Michael Gove has this afternoon strenuously denied reports that he is being gradually eaten alive by Home Secretary Theresa May. Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political chat show ‘Afternoon Bollocks’ the Education Secretary explained “Theresa is a superb Home secretary. Fantastic. First rate. Top hole. And frankly anyone who thinks she is slowly and methodically eating […]

Iain duncan Smith “Benefit claimants should eat each other”

People between jobs and struggling to survive on subsistence benefits should minimise food bills by simply tucking into themselves and other benefit claimants, according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “They all need to get together and decide by rolling dice or playing twister who should be first for the pot. For solitary […]