Ed Miliband to ban multiple votes for northerners

eddie miliband 3

Ed Miliband has pledged today to finally end the practice of individuals having extra votes on Labour party matters simply due to coming from the Northern half of England.

At present every Labour party member is entitled to one vote. However if he lives or comes from anywhere between Derby and Carlisle he will be entitled to another vote. If he or she refers to bread rolls as ‘balm cakes’, he get’s another 2 votes and if he’s ever bought a pair of clogs he gets another 2 votes on top of that. Should the party member own a whippet they will then have their total number of votes multiplied by 8. It’s thought that the whippet factor was instrumental in Ed Miliband’s controversial leadership victory over his brother David.

All northerners are enrolled in the Labour party at the age of three in a ceremony not dissimilar to a Jewish Bar Mitzvah. In later years they join a sub group called an onion, which is a bit like the Freemasons or the Church of Scientology. Ed Miliband has been adamant that although this system returned him as  party leader, he doesn’t want it to used to determine any future leaders.

“I want to see an end to ‘machine politics’. I’m not saying we don’t want northerners in the party. They just have a nasty habit of voting and we need to nip this in the bud.  It’s just ridiculous that Eric Pickles has more say in whoever usurps me than I do. He’s a Tory cabinet minister but he get’s a block vote because he comes from Keighley and has a passing fancy for eccles cakes. You couldn’t make it up.”

Tory Party chairman Grant Shapps said Mr Miliband had been “pushed into giving this speech” and that “nothing had changed as he’ll simply continue to keep the Labour party firmly in the ownership of a handful of whippet fanciers from Freckleton.”


  1. Northerners have a nasty habit of voting……laughs at Toady 🙂

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