Osborne “Nobody allowed to eat sweets except me”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne is most likely to spend the vast majority of a potential second term in Government languishing in a huge pile of spangles, toffos and sherbet fountains as rumours circulate that the new budget will prohibit everyone from eating sweets except him.

Speaking on the Andrew Marr show this morning Mr Osborne said “Some people will vote for us no matter what we do. And we have come to the conclusion that it’s because they like pain. After all who doesn’t? But not everyone can afford a dominatrix like I can, so it was a choice between banning central heating or sweets. We have to make these tough decisions.”

One Conservative voter told us “It’s all Labour’s fault. They were in power when there was a global recession started by the mis-selling of sub-prime mortgages in America. At least the Conservatives have got the guts to sort it out by stopping me eating rollos.”

However the potential legislation is thought to have a number of loopholes in order to not upset the over 60s vote. Werthers originals, arsenic bonbons and laudanum refreshers will still be freely available. as will be racist licorice and other assorted confectionery on the strict proviso that the prospective customer is getting on a bit and brandishing a copy of the daily mail.

One shop owner told us “Basically if you call a snickers a marathon bar then you’re going to find you’re still entitled to some degree of confectionary consumption.”