Osborne “Economy is being torn to shreds by weasels”

The economy is being torn to shreds by weasels with sharp and pointy teeth and can only be revived by far more stringent austerity measures, according to stark warnings issued today by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne. Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme Mr Osborne said “I know I said that I […]

Osborne “We’re not subsidising northerners and their fancy water houses”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has this morning ruled out any state assistance for northerners with fancy water houses which enjoy running water of up to 3 feet high through the downstairs rooms. “I’m all for a northern powerhouse but  if they think we’re paying for their oop North surrogate Venice then they can […]

“I’ve been a very bad chancellor” George Osborne tells dominatrix

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has told an undercover  reporter posing as a dominatrix that he has “been a very bad chancellor” and should be “given a proper going over with a leather thwacky thing” for his mismanagement of the economy and total reliance on cutting public services. In contradiction to his confident air […]

Cameron and Osborne to review powers of Lords they’re not related to

 David Cameron and George Osborne have today promised a thorough review into the powers of the Lords, apart from the ones that they’re related to or are related to people they went to Eton with. A Downing Street spokesman said the Government would examine “how to protect the ability of elected governments, namely us, to […]

Public Sector to receive loans not wages

Public Sector workers will be required to pay back any remuneration they have received during their employment as part of George Osborne’s loans not wages policy announced during his emergency budget speech today. Addressing parliament and flanked by a smiling Iain Duncan Smith the Chancellor said “We’ve stopped financial assistance for students from poorer families […]

Osborne “We can increase productivity if everyone wears a helmet”

Britain is likely to increase productivity if everyone stands around wearing some sort of helmet and high visibility jacket, whether they have a job or not, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Himself wearing a safety helmet and proudly nowhere near the vicinity of any building site, the Chancellor took time out from […]

Drinkers’ joy as pint of Peroni down from £4.58 to £4.57

Drinkers throughout the UK have reacted with pure unbridled joy at the news that a pint of Peroni in their local chain pub will now be reduced from £4.58 to £4.57 after Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne announced a reduction of a whole penny per pint in beer duty as part of today’s budget. […]

Osborne “Nobody allowed to eat sweets except me”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne is most likely to spend the vast majority of a potential second term in Government languishing in a huge pile of spangles, toffos and sherbet fountains as rumours circulate that the new budget will prohibit everyone from eating sweets except him. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show this morning […]

Osborne announces cuts to pretending to give a shit

A Conservative only Government will attempt to reduce the deficit by holding back funds previously earmarked for the Department of Half Heartedly Pretending to Give a Shit, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Osborne said “Do you realise how much it costs to tell people […]

George Osborne “Poor people must give us a kidney”

Poor people will be expected to donate a vital organ to cover any welfare payments according to new measures announced by George Osborne today. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch” Mr Osborne told Lorraine Kelly in a pre-conference briefing. We have lazy benefit claimants who are not contributing to society yet feel they […]