“I’ve been a very bad chancellor” George Osborne tells dominatrix

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has told an undercover  reporter posing as a dominatrix that he has “been a very bad chancellor” and should be “given a proper going over with a leather thwacky thing” for his mismanagement of the economy and total reliance on cutting public services.

In contradiction to his confident air shown in the House of Commons this morning whilst delivering his Autumn statement, the chancellor told our reporter “Every time I make more cuts, it buggers up the economy more. But I keep doing it. I’m such a naughty politician. You should invade me with a strap on.”

In a recorded conversation, the chancellor appears to suggest that not only is he not convinced by his own policies, but he feels some sort of punishment must be due for implementing them.”I haven’t reduced the deficit. I have battered the poor for my own enjoyment. I should be made to wear PVC underwear. With the nails pointing inwards. I’m such a devious little worm” he told us.

Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell has criticised Mr Osborne for sending mixed messages to the public. “He can’t make his mind up. He says one thing to us, and a completely different thing to a scary looking woman in a black PVC catsuit, high healed boots and a whip. We may well have to make the same sort of cuts when we’re back in power, but we’ll still stand by them when we’re being tortured and ridiculed by sadomasochistic sex workers. And that’s the difference between them and us.”

We had an interview arranged with Liberal Democrat leader Tim Fallon to discuss the matter. But we forgot.