New Culture Secretary steals from treasury, lies to press and strangles cat.

Sajid javid

Following his appointment this morning after the shock resignation of Maria Miller, the former Financial Secretary to the Treasury Sajid Javid has been defending his position to critics who say he should resign amidst accusations of stealing from the treasury, lying to the press and strangling a cat.

One parliamentary insider told us “The writings on the wall. All he would have had to do while he was at the treasury is borrow a quid out of petty cash here and there. If he did so, it may be likely that he might think he can get away with larger amounts. If he then does embezzle funds from hard working tax payers then it is likely that he would try and put any press investigation off the scent. And anyone who is comfortable lying to the press is just as likely to strangle a cat hypothetically speaking.

“If he went as far as strangling a cat, it is more than likely that he also interfered with it in an inappropriate manner. And if he did interfere with a cat then it’s more than likely that he wouldn’t think twice about interfering with a panda.”

A random member of the public told of his shock at hearing the news. “I can’t believe he bummed a panda. He hasn’t even been in his job a day yet. It’s just one rule for them another for us I should imagine.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage told us that he wasn’t surprised by the news. “They’re all at it. Bumming pandas left right and centre. What you need is a borderline racist former city broker at the helm. That’ll make it all better.” He explained.

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