Sweep to be offered job of King if Royals don’t want it

British household favourite Sweep is thought to be the bookies’ favourite to become King of England, should rumours be correct that no actual Royals wish to do it.

May to deny evolution in return for DUP support of hard Brexit

The world is 4000 years old and the human race started with one white couple in Africa, an apple and a snake, the Prime Minister has confirmed following this morning’s meeting with the DUP.

Trump administration urges Britons to use shorter sentences on state visit

A spokesman for the White House has confirmed that they have asked all UK citizens to speak in very short sentences ahead of President Trump’s state visit to Britain in October.

May vows to exact absolute revenge on Labour voters

Theresa May is still going to win the General election despite all the recent kerfuffle and she is going to start her term by rounding up Labour voters and sending them to Tory correction centres.

Vote for shit education and no NHS because Corbyn might not launch a nuclear missile

Prime Minister Theresa May has warned members of the public that they must vote for child poverty, food banks, expensive social care, underfunded education, no NHS and a reduced army and police force as in the event that we are obliterated by a nuclear strike,  Prime Minister Corbyn may not launch one back to destroy […]

Sun readers somehow furious at Labour plans to tax people earning over 80k

Sun readers have endorsed their favourite newspaper’s call to arms following Labour plans to tax people earning over £80,000 a year a bit more.

Conservatives to be nice to bunnies and kittens and give everyone free cake

The Conservative party will be lovely to fluffy animals, kiss babies and give everyone a free slice of cake according to their manifesto released this morning.

Labour to take Britain back to the 1970s, when people could afford to buy a house

The Labour Party have been slated by the press today following accusations that they wish to take Britain back to the 1970s where there were loads more pubs, beer was 35p a pint and everyone could afford to buy a house.

Conservative MPs celebrate acquittal with dominatrices and asphyxiation

Conservative MPs throughout Britain are celebrating escaping criminal charges for financial irregularities by hiring a dominatrix who will tell them that they are still very naughty.

Conservatives to bring back Jim’ll Fix it

The Conservative party will bring back Jim’ll Fix It on BBC1 if re-elected, according to Prime Minister Theresa May.