Public urged not to participate in Panda on the Veranda tradition.

Members of the public have been urged today to shun the Christmas tradition of leaving a live panda outside on some decking for the month of December apparently due to the poor survival rate of the rare bear like creatures in sub zero temperatures.

Damian Green porn allegations in doubt as internet history empty

First Secretary of State Damian Green has never been on the internet ever according to his internet history, completely disproving allegations that he may have been watching porn.

50 metre fatberg to be used to make world’s largest burger

A 50 metre fatberg recently removed from a London sewer is to be used to cook the world’s biggest burger, London mayor Sadiq Kahn has confirmed today.

Public urged to check bank accounts for old pound coins

Members of the public are being urged to contact their banks as it’s thought some people’s entire balance may consist of old pound coins.

Bloke talking about a film’s release for a year disappointed when it’s just a film

A man wittering on about a film on social media for over a year has expressed his dismay at having seen it and the film being just ok.

Far right march against global warming

Far right groups throughout the western world have been marching against global warming, following concerns that an increase of as little as 2 degrees could mean the entire human race being black.

Conservatives to replace May with some other odious shitbag

The Conservative party are to replace Prime Minister Theresa May with some other shitbag according to Government sources.

Government earmark £4 billion to rebuild Richard Branson’s island

The Government is set to earmark four billion pounds to rebuild Richard Branson’s hurricane damaged island in a forthcoming statement due to be announced by Theresa May at her speech at the Conservative conference.

Britain First downgraded to Britain Second

Far right pressure group Britain First have been downgraded to Britain Second by credit reference agency Moody’s.

Theresa May “I’ll almost certainly still be in office by Christmas”

Theresa May will still be Prime Minister by Christmas and may even remain in power for longer than Donald Trump according to party insiders.