Conservatives to replace May with some other odious shitbag

The Conservative party are to replace Prime Minister Theresa May with some other shitbag according to Government sources.

“It’s a long standing conservative tradition to elect a leader who is an odious shitbag and then act surprised when the public realise that they’re an odious shitbag and then replace them on the premise that they are an odious shitbag and then elect another odious shitbag. It’s all very complicated and that’s why normal people need to leave all this important stuff to us.” Leadership hopeful Jacon Rees-Mogg told us today.

“And if I’m not the perfect example of this I don’t know who is. I’ll win by a landslide, become Prime Minister, outlaw abortion and make all working class people wear caps, and then I’ll be heralded as the biggest mistake since Iain Duncan Smith.” He added.

It’s thought that Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson is unlikely to win any leadership contest following recorded instances of being personable.

“Listen she’s either an affable person pretending to be a Conservative or she’s a Conservative pretending to be affable. There’s no way in fuck that she’s both.” One cabinet member told us.

However Prime Minister Theresa May has followed the tradition of insisting that she isn’t finished just before she’s finished.

“I have the full support of my cabinet. And that means I’m toast.” She explained.