Government earmark £4 billion to rebuild Richard Branson’s island

Branson's windfucked island

The Government is set to earmark four billion pounds to rebuild Richard Branson’s hurricane damaged island in a forthcoming statement due to be announced by Theresa May at her speech at the Conservative conference.

Arriving in Manchester Mrs May said “It’s very important that poor people see Richard lounging around in a hammock on his own private island so they have something to aspire to and are more likely to pull their socks up.”

Whilst the Prime Minister herself refused to answer any further questions, a source close to Mrs May has denied any connection between the funding and a forthcoming holiday on the island for the entire cabinet. Similarly, rumours of any connection between the systematic under funding of the NHS and the rise of Virgin Healthcare have been cited as pure coincidence.

“Obviously there isn’t a magic money tree. Richard will have to pay back every penny. Not literally, but culturally in terms of being a shining beacon of capitalism. Which he’s already done. There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” Another Conservative delegate explained.

However, Mr Branson has been told he cannot rely solely on Government funding to spruce up his private island. ITV is to host a charity night in which celebrities will urge the public to give what they can to restore Mr Branson’s island along with guest rooms and hospitality areas.

U2 frontman Bono said “Roight now he’s basically Robinson Crusoe alone on a windswept desert island. In fairness he’s actually staying in a 5 star resort on the mainland until his island has been fixed, but we want him back on his own island quickly and only you can help by donating. Oi can help by singing a song. And oive been invited to stay on the island when it’s finished. To make sure the work has been done. Or something.”


  1. Reblogged this on sdbast.

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