Independent Scotland to be a musical

A new Independent Scotland will operate as a musical according to SNP leader Alex Salmond’s white paper released today.

Speaking to a packed Press Conference Mr Salmond explained  “I have a vision of a new Scotland, singing and dancing together from first thing in the morning to just before bed time. Obviously I will be deciding the songs and I’ll also be lead vocalists for most of them.”

Fellow Scot and advocate for United Kingdom Alistair Darling has however been critical of the paper. “Unfortunately this is nothing new. Salmond gets like this every time he watches Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. But there’s no meat on the bones as usual. He hasn’t named the songs, the notes and there’s no sheet music to speak of. He somehow believes that on gaining independence every Scotsman will have the set list and lyrics, and magically burst into song in unison. He’s living in a dream world.”

Indeed Prime Minister David Cameron has also warned the Scottish electorate that Scotland as an independent musical production may not run as smoothly as predicted by the SNP. “They needn’t think they’re having Susan Boyle or Michael Ball if they go it alone. And all musical instruments are actually English, except for bag pipes. They’re better off sticking with us and they can play any instruments they like, as long as they’re second hand and not after 9pm.”

The last country to vote to turn itself into a musical was Switzerland where it is still officially law to conduct all business in song. In reality, musical communication is restricted to discussing ownership of goats on mountain tops and the law is rarely enforced elsewhere.