Britain is to opt out of the EU policy of moderate drinking at meal times in favour of the traditional British policy of getting as drunk as a monkey on an empty stomach on a Friday night.
Trump to give USA back to Native Americans, move to Mexico and pay for a wall
July 31, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Donald Trump has vowed to return the USA back to native Americans, exile anyone not descended from original inhabitants, including himself, and move to Mexico where he will stop any future epidemics of mass migration such as the one that started in 1607 by Europeans, by building a wall which he himself would be paying for.
Trump “If I’m elected I’ll leave the country”
January 25, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Prospective Republican candidate for the presidency Donald Trump has said that he would leave the country in the event that he became President of the USA. Also known as Donald Trumpety-Trump the famous tycoon who inherited his wealth told a press conference that his refusal to endorse gun controls, and his habit of blaming the […]
Sturgeon “Scotland must decide its own bed time”
August 27, 2015 by Leave a Comment
Scotland should be able to decide what time it goes to bed at night free of diktats from Westminster, according to Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. Speaking at the Edinburgh Television Festival, Ms Sturgeon said that Scotland’s strict bed time routine orchestrated by Westminster politicians meant that many Scots, having had by law to get […]
Cameron “Scotland must go to its room”
September 19, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Scotland must go to its bedroom and stay there until it’s taken a good hard look at itself and is ready to join the rest of the United Kingdom without being Mr Shouty, according to Prime Minister of England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland, David Cameron “We’ve all had a good jolly. But it all […]
New Hearing Aid designed to cut out unwanted shouty Scotsmen
September 17, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Can’t hear the television for Alex Salmonds? Avoiding social situations for fear of Gordon Browns? Missing the punchlines of jokes because of Alistair Darling? Fortunately help could be at hand as Swiss hearing aid manufacturer Phonak have announced the general release of a new hearing aid that improves speech intelligibility by cutting out unwanted shouty […]
Westminster offer Scotland gift of fire
September 9, 2014 by 1 Comment
Westminster have outlined plans today to offer Scotland the gift of fire in the event of a no vote. In what is seen as part of a cynical last ditch attempt to persuade Scotland to remain part of the United Kingdom, Gordon brown was brought out of retirement to offer Scottish voters not only some […]
Independent Scotland to get half of the Queen
September 7, 2014 by Leave a Comment
An independent Scotland will most likely get half of the Queen according to legal experts. A spokesman for the palace told us “We’re all up for it but we’re not entirely sure about dividing up Royalty. It’s uncharted territory. Unless she’s very stretchy it would mean putting her on the border where negotiations would take […]
Salmond promises a free beaver to every Scotsman
August 26, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has built on his lead from yesterday’s shouty debate with Alistair Darling by guaranteeing a free beaver for every Scotsman the moment Scotland achieves independence. Speaking at yet another press conference Mr Salmond said “We’re sick of restrictions to public policy set by Westminster. We’ve done the maths and every […]
Salmond “We’ll keep the pound even if it means joining the United Kingdom”
August 7, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond has said that Scotland will keep the pound even if it means joining the United Kingdom to do it. Speaking at a packed press conference Mr Salmond explained “It is Scotland’s pound. It doesn’t belong to George Osborne, it doesn’t belong to Ed Balls. It’s ours and we are keeping […]
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