Donald Trump has vowed to return the USA back to native Americans, exile anyone not descended from original inhabitants, including himself, and move to Mexico where he will stop any future epidemics of mass migration such as the one that started in 1607 by Europeans, by building a wall which he himself would be paying for.
Speaking to a packed rally Mr Trump said “I want to make America great again. You know like it was before the Founding Fathers arrived, oversaw the genocide of native Americans and took their land. And then we’ll stop it happening again by building a wall. And as I’ll be a foreigner, read my lips, I will be paying for it. I’ll see to that.
“I inherited my wealth and I don’t like the thoughts of immigrants like me expecting a free ride. Native Americans first!”
A spokesman from the National Congress of American Indians said “We’ve never campaigned to send everyone back so this is rather unexpected. On the other hand it’ll be nice to have a break from the fat shouty men with guns.”
President of Mexico Enrique Peña Nieto has urged Mr Trump to consider exiling himself to Scotland instead, where they still hate him but he at least has some tenuous family connection.
“We’re quite happy to accept Mr Trump’s offer of funding for a dividing wall between Mexico and the USA. But not if he’s going to be on the same side of it as us. We’d rather pay for the wall ourselves and catapult him over it.”