Elephants listening in on Donald Trump with their huge flappy ears

Elephants have been listening in on Donald Trump with their huge flappy ears and most likely handing the information to Barack Obama, the media or British Intelligence, according to tweets published by Mr Trump earlier this morning.

Trump to keep an open mind about flat earth

The concept of a spherical earth may be misinformation propagated by so called scientists who like the media have a liberal-elitist agenda according to US president Donald Trump.

Trump to ban journalists from press conferences

Donald Trump is to ban journalists from all future press conferences until they learn to stop asking the wrong questions and start writing down the things that he tells them.

Queen to offer Trump British delicacy of Dog Eggs on state visit

President Trump will be invited to Buckingham Palace to savour the exquisite British dish of dog eggs when he arrives on his state visit according to sources close to the Queen.

Trump to deport toddlers

US President Donald Trump is to begin a mass deportation of toddlers following reports that statistically they shoot more people in America than Islamic terrorists.

Trump “I’m ordering a pizza and Domino’s are going to pay for it”

Donald Trump is ordering a pizza this evening and Dominos are going to pay for it, according to a tweet from the President.

Trump begins arresting and waterboarding musicians

US citizens have been urged today to come forward regarding the whereabouts of Bruce Springsteen, Elton John and U2 who are all reportedly on the run following news that President Of the USA, Donald Trump, has ordered the arrest and subsequent waterboarding of all musicians apart from the ones that played his inauguration.

God refuses to attend Trump’s inauguration

Donald Trump has suffered the biggest snub to his presidency so far after God has reportedly ruled out attending the President Elect’s inauguration.

Trump “We will build a giant Mexican and Pink Floyd will have to pay for it”

Donald Trump will commission the construction of a gigantic Mexican bankrolled by progressive rock band Pink Floyd according to the President Elect this morning.

Trump “Nigel Farage must be Queen of England”

Nigel Farage should be made Queen of England in order to preserve Britain’s special relationship with the USA, according to president elect Donald Trump.