Trump state visit downgraded to “One cup of tea then you fuck off”

Donald Trump’s forthcoming state visit to Britain has been downgraded to “One cup of tea then you fuck off” according to Government insiders.

Whilst the Prime Minister herself has refused to comment on the matter, several sources within the cabinet have apparently voiced disquiet at the prospect of an orange, toupee wearing, misogynistic fascist being paraded around London in a horse drawn carriage.

One source told us “On one hand it benefits Britain immensely to foster the special relationship between ourselves and America. On the other hand he won’t be President for much longer, or alternatively he may have started a nuclear war. Either way bollocks to it.”

Mr Trump himself is thought to be upbeat about the arrangement. “Believe me being asked over to Britain for “A quick cuppa” is the highest accolade every awarded to a US President in Britain’s 300 year history. It’s true. Obama and Clinton were never awarded a quick cuppa. They had to stay and have dinners and meet the Queen.” He explained.

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has confirmed that whilst not quite a state visit all efforts will be made to make President Trump comfortable.

“He can have a cup of tea a disposable cup at the airport before he gets back on his plane again. I’m sure he’ll be very busy and have other countries to go to. He won’t meet the Queen as she doesn’t want to, though I believe she is keen for his cup of tea to be made with the piss of one of her Corgis. And you can’t get more British than that.”