“Is it alright to bring back Chalky?” Jim Davidson asks

Jim Davidson is set to bring back his side-splitting 1970s character Chalky following news that the Government have given the thumbs up to being racist again.

“Thank you for voting Conservative” say FTSE 100 bosses

FTSE 100 Chief Executives have written an open letter to the public thanking them for voting Conservative, as it means they have already earned the national average salary after only going back to work yesterday. 

There won’t be a no deal Brexit recession because laughing smiley face

There won’t be any sort of recession following a no deal Brexit because “laughing smiley face” and “we won get over it”, according to experts.

Autumn dismissed as “project fear”

The season of Autumn has been dismissed as “scaremongering and project fear” according to a number of prominent politicians.

Trump state visit downgraded to “One cup of tea then you fuck off”

Donald Trump’s forthcoming state visit to Britain has been downgraded to “One cup of tea then you fuck off” according to Government insiders.

Boris Johnson “We must all climb into Trump’s arse”

We must all climb into Donald Trump’s arse and deferentially do his bidding, blindly following his every xenophobic whim according to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

Red people should piss off back to their own country

Britain is being overrun by bright red people with peely skin, who should piss off back to their own country, according to foreign secretary Boris Johnson.

New cabinet to meet at night

Theresa May’s new cabinet are to hold their meetings in the middle of the night, when most of the British public are tucked up safe and sound, according to sources close to the new Prime Minister.

Prime Minister Gove to punish everyone

Michael Gove has promised today that should he obtain the role of Prime Minister he will exact venomous revenge on all humankind rather than just singling out a particular minority to punish.

MPs urged to keep quiet about the fact that we’re not actually going to leave the EU

MPs have been urged to keep quiet about the fact that we’re not actually going to leave the EU at all, until the political wind changes and people forget all about it.