Michael Gove has promised today that should he obtain the role of Prime Minister he will exact venomous revenge on all humankind rather than just singling out a particular minority to punish.
Mr Gove has denied rumours that he may serve his entire term in a tight latex onesie whilst brandishing a firm piece of birch, but conceded that he may home in on any individuals who have disagreed with him in the past before moving on to all public servants, and then everyone else.
“It’s all been a bit half-hearted so far, disabled people here, public sector workers there. We just need to go all out and fuck everyone over apart from a select few of our wealthy and political friends. Who we’ll then fuck over once their backs are turned and we all turn on each other like rabid dogs.
“Boris would have entertained you and made you laugh while he screwed you over. I will be doing this purely for my own pleasure. I’ll be the only one laughing now.” He explained.
Mr Gove has until September to blackmail, outmanoeuvre or arrange a special accident for his rival Theresa May in order to fully secure the top job. However he is thought to have widespread public support.
“It’s great to have someone so honest in politics. He’s like a breath of fresh air.” One voter told us.