Prime Minister Gove to punish everyone

Michael Gove has promised today that should he obtain the role of Prime Minister he will exact venomous revenge on all humankind rather than just singling out a particular minority to punish.

Britain “overrun with Mexican bandits”

Britain is set to be overrun with Mexican bandits who have been sneaking in whilst everyone has been too busy worrying about Romanians and Muslims to take notice. Justice Secretary and prominent Leave campaigner Michael Gove has warned that if left unchecked up to 70% or 80% of Britain’s population could consist of horse riding […]

Channel tunnel to be made one-way following Brexit

The channel tunnel will be made one way so trains will only travel from England to France in the event of any exit from the European Union according to Justice Secretary Michael Gove. Speaking on this morning’s episode of the Marr show, Mr Gove said “It only goes both ways now because of European bureaucrats […]

Government to force youth to watch chitty chitty bang bang

All disaffected youth are to be made to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as part of moves announced today by the Government to cut crime to levels to those found in 1960’s musicals. Justice Secretary Michael Gove said “We need to return to a golden age where Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins and The […]

Gove hints at releasing Florence Welch in time for Glastonbury

Justice Secretary Michael Gove has given his strongest hints yet that lead singer of Florence and the Machine, Florence Welch could well be granted parole in time for festival season. “We all like listening to Florence and the Machine at home but it’s not quite the same as watching it in a field whilst drinking […]

New cabinet thinly veiled front for Dalek invasion

David Cameron’s new cabinet is merely a front for a Dalek invasion designed to destroy the word and everything in it according to according to former Doctor Who Christopher Eccleston. Speaking to John Humphreys on his Today Programme Mr Eccleston said “You don’t get to be Doctor Who for a whole series without noticing when […]

Schools to arrange pupils in height order

Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has dismissed claims that the Government is planning to oblige Secondary schools to arrange pupils in height order, so each pupil can be taught in an environment where their classmates are roughly the same size. “Do I look like Michael Gove in a dress? We’re not changing anything. Nothing at all. […]

Gove still hanging around schools

Former education secretary Michael Gove is still hanging around schools despite not having held the position for some time according to several headmasters. Speaking outside a local secondary school Mr Gove told us “I’m doing a spot check but they won’t let me in. They say I have no authority now, but I can do […]

Prince Philip appointed schools inspector

David Cameron has announced tough new measures against non-Britishness in schools which will involve a new Ofsted task force headed by the Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference the Prime Minister explained “Segregating pupils and force feeding religious ideology is completely unacceptable in our schools. OK, the school I […]

Cameron urged to intervene as May begins to eat Gove

Michael Gove has this afternoon strenuously denied reports that he is being gradually eaten alive by Home Secretary Theresa May. Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political chat show ‘Afternoon Bollocks’ the Education Secretary explained “Theresa is a superb Home secretary. Fantastic. First rate. Top hole. And frankly anyone who thinks she is slowly and methodically eating […]