The channel tunnel will be made one way so trains will only travel from England to France in the event of any exit from the European Union according to Justice Secretary Michael Gove.
Speaking on this morning’s episode of the Marr show, Mr Gove said “It only goes both ways now because of European bureaucrats who want to meddle in our affairs. As a result, Johnny foreigner, his pet dog and the kitchen sink are piling over here in droves and we’re the ones who are paying it.
“Some of them are foreign, some look foreign, and some might have papers saying that they’re British but drink foreign drinks like cappuccino or eat immigrant foods like bananas and potatoes.
“If in doubt we will just be able to stick them on a train. And we know they’re not coming back. At least not via the same mode of transport.
“There might be slight disadvantages for people travelling via the tunnel to France on holiday and then wanting to return but these people are only going to want to tell everyone about their positive experiences on the continent and try to promote some sort of harmony between our nations. Quite frankly we can do without that sort of person in our country anyway.”
Concerns have also been raised that by permanently shutting one half of the tunnel, the trains travelling to France may then be unable to return to Britain to pick more people up forcing the Government to have to subsidise a new train for every journey.
“This is simply scaremongering. It’ll be fine.” Mr Gove explained.
News Toad 
You are totally missing the point of this. In reality it is a scam to export trains and rolling stock whilst evading export duties. (profits will be cunningly diverted to the British protectorate Island tax haven of Sodor) Just another day’s Tory free-market trading. In order to make it respectable and palatable to the electorate it is being couched in traditional racist/nationalist terms so as not to raise any alarm bells in the liberal pinko press.
In reference to earlier comments I’m wondering what a ‘stute’ actually is. It sounds foreign to me.
Crap attempt at satire.
Sorry to disappoint you Mr Astute Angle. We take reader complaints very seriously. By way of recompense please visit the NewsToad shop and choose yourself a t shirt. You’ll have to pay for it though.
Followed up by another crap attempt at satire.
Look on the bright side. You’ll get a hit or two on your blog from commenting on this one. Personally we like your stuff. It’s like the Daily Telegraph without the good bits.
…and your ‘satire’ is like the Guardian without the good bits.
I gave you that one. Who says you are astute anyway? Do other people say you are astute or is it just you?