Public urged not to participate in Panda on the Veranda tradition.

Members of the public have been urged today to shun the Christmas tradition of leaving a live panda outside on some decking for the month of December apparently due to the poor survival rate of the rare bear like creatures in sub zero temperatures.

Diesel powered juggernaut promoting diabetes causing drink to celebrate Jesus’ birthday

A large diesel powered lorry is to drive around the country hijacking a religious festival to promote it’s own corporate agenda, with free samples of a drink that erodes your teeth and causes diabetes.

African people to pay Bono’s tax bill

Grateful people from Africa are to pay Bono’s tax bill as plans to hold a benefit concert for him in Nairobi are underway.

Gary Barlow “I taught the Queen everything she knows about tax evasion”

Take That front man Gary Barlow has admitted giving Her Royal Highness the Queen tips on tax evasion over several visits to the Palace where the pair talked about their immense fortunes and ate roast swan. 

Damian Green porn allegations in doubt as internet history empty

First Secretary of State Damian Green has never been on the internet ever according to his internet history, completely disproving allegations that he may have been watching porn.

50 metre fatberg to be used to make world’s largest burger

A 50 metre fatberg recently removed from a London sewer is to be used to cook the world’s biggest burger, London mayor Sadiq Kahn has confirmed today.

Trump condemns “failing intelligence test” after achieving 85 IQ

US president Donald Trump has condemned the IQ test as a “failing examination” following reports that he achieved a score of 85.

Public urged to check bank accounts for old pound coins

Members of the public are being urged to contact their banks as it’s thought some people’s entire balance may consist of old pound coins.

Bloke talking about a film’s release for a year disappointed when it’s just a film

A man wittering on about a film on social media for over a year has expressed his dismay at having seen it and the film being just ok.

Conservatives to replace May with some other odious shitbag

The Conservative party are to replace Prime Minister Theresa May with some other shitbag according to Government sources.