Public urged not to participate in Panda on the Veranda tradition.

Members of the public have been urged today to shun the Christmas tradition of leaving a live panda outside on some decking for the month of December apparently due to the poor survival rate of the rare bear like creatures in sub zero temperatures.

Dave Lee Travis working as Santa in John Lewis

Former Radio One DJ Dave Lee Travis has put the blame firmly on the media today , following news that he is now forced to accept seasonal work as Santa Claus in the High Wycombe branch of John Lewis.

Police break up for Christmas holidays

Police forces throughout the country have been arresting their last burglars this afternoon before signing off at about 3ish for a well earned two week Christmas break. “I’m sure it’ll be fine” One custody sergeant told us  “Theresa May thinks we only need about two policemen to keep the country safe anyway, and there’s bound […]

Still more time to run around panic buying shit

Despite the fact that the shops are shut for a day on Friday there are still a few more days to run around panic buying shit according to retailers. A spokesman for the National Association of Generic Shopping Centres said “If you ran around yesterday buying ill thought out presents and you’ve woken up this […]

Putin bans Turkey at Christmas

Russian people are going to have to have either goose or duck for their Christmas dinner following reports that President Putin has banned all feasting on flappy necked birds between Christmas eve and Boxing day. “Anyone planning to celebrate Christmas with a roasted bird that goes by the same name as a country we have […]

Company lightens minumum wage hell with compulsory christmas hats

A large company has today taken the edge of its employees’ anguish at working for the minimum wage at the most expensive time of year by making them wear Christmas hats. In a memo to all employees a spokesman for the company’s senior management and directors said “We’re not giving you a pay rise or […]

Coca Cola to sue Church over ownership of Christmas

A spokesman for Coca Cola has confirmed that the company’s lawyers have written to church leaders asking them to cease and desist from hijacking Christmas day for their own religious ends. “It’s about time these bible thumpers stopped hijacking our special day.It’s all very nice this away in a manger business but it’s hardly in […]

Don’t make a fuss about my birthday says God

In a rare statement God has gone on record to say he’s not that arsed about his birthday this year and really doesn’t want people to make a fuss. Speaking via the medium of vicars the supreme being explained “I don’t want anyone taking time off work on my account, I’d rather people just treated […]

McCartney apologises for Pipes of Peace

Campaigners are said to be delighted today as after 31 years of failing to show any remorse  Paul McCartney has apologised for inflicting the song and video Pipes of Peace on an unsuspecting and largely trusting public. Whilst still largely unrepentant for the song’s original impact in the early 1980s the former Beatles front man […]

Fury as man on benefits spends £640k on Christmas decorations

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith is reported to be incandescent with rage following reports that a man on benefits has adorned his house with Christmas lighting and decorations to an estimated value of £640,000 all at the expense of the public purse. Colin Darr of Whiteley Hampshire recently hit the headlines after managing […]