A spokesman for Coca Cola has confirmed that the company’s lawyers have written to church leaders asking them to cease and desist from hijacking Christmas day for their own religious ends.
“It’s about time these bible thumpers stopped hijacking our special day.It’s all very nice this away in a manger business but it’s hardly in keeping with the brand.
“When will these vicars realise that Christmas isn’t about an all seeing omni present deity who likes us to celebrate the birth of his only son, or at least the only one he’s admitting to? It’s about our massive fucking fleet of coca cola trucks spreading the word of corporate, mass produced, ultra sugar laden, phosphoric acid containing beverages, marketed as a lifestyle and synonymous with an annual festival where everyone raises their chance of getting diabetes and families fall out with other.”
Coca Cola CEO, Muhtar Kent, said that he would be prepared to compromise as long as long as churches omitted all reference to the baby Jesus and instead talked about everyone having happy holidays.
“We actually invented Father Christmas so unless these churchy people have very good lawyers they’re going to have to butt out of our annual festival of tooth decay and stealing water from the third world. Maybe if these vicars want to have a special day they could move it to February” He explained.
One priest we spoke to hit back angrily at the planned litigation. “it’s ridiculous for Coca Cola to say that Christmas is all about them. If anything it’s about John Lewis” He told us.