God wants you to have diabetes

God wants you to have diabetes and he shows this by sending us his only rabbit, laden with mass produced chocolates, made by faceless corporations, according to Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby.

God refuses to attend Trump’s inauguration

Donald Trump has suffered the biggest snub to his presidency so far after God has reportedly ruled out attending the President Elect’s inauguration.

Don’t make a fuss about my birthday says God

In a rare statement God has gone on record to say he’s not that arsed about his birthday this year and really doesn’t want people to make a fuss. Speaking via the medium of vicars the supreme being explained “I don’t want anyone taking time off work on my account, I’d rather people just treated […]

“I’m not bothered if people are gay or not” God tells Catholics

In a further blow to Catholic church synod members who today voted against the Pope in his proposals for wider acceptance of gay people, God has gone on record in a rare statement to say that he’s not actually that bothered if people are gay or not. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference the […]

UKIP support gay marriage as weather nicer today

A UKIP councillor who blamed the recent storms and heavy floods across Britain on the Government’s decision to legalise gay marriage has suggested that God may have changed his mind as many parts of Britain enjoy a sunny day. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference, Councillor David Silvester from Henley-on-Thames explained: “Obviously all the […]

Ladyboys acceptable in surprise Australian compromise on gay marriage

In a surprise turnaround from the Australian High Court this morning, the new legislation banning gay marriage and annulling recent gay marriages is to be reversed again under a number of strict conditions.  The law will now allow marriage between two men in the Australian Capital territory as long as one of them looks like a […]

Religions given till the end of the month to prove it

Religious leaders from all faiths have been asked to prove the existence of their various deities by the end of the month or refrain from wittering on and wearing silly hats, according to new Government measures announced this morning. A spokesman for the Coalition confirmed “Obviously we were going to have to legislate it sooner […]

Lord Carey “Persecute homosexuals or we’ll get God on you”

Lord Carey has this morning issued Prime Minister David Cameron with a stark warning “Start persecuting homosexuals again or we’ll set God on you”. Speaking at his annual pre-chocolate egg day address,  the Former Archbishop of Canterbury told us “God loves everyone. But he loves us more because we go to church and wear special […]

Lack of prayer blamed for shit ‘snow day’

Households throughout the country have had to unexpectedly cancel their day in the pub, as the lack of snow this morning has left many with little choice but to go into work. The Right Reverend Justin Welby the soon to be Archbishop of Canterbury has told the nation that people only have their blasphemous selves […]

Mayans warn “Last chance to buy end of the world proof pants”

Mayans have warned the Earth’s entire population that if they want to avoid certain destruction as a result of the end of the world then they should act fast to purchase their special ‘End of the world proof underpants’. President of the Bromley branch of the British Mayans association Dave Smith told us “It’s a […]